To wonder why people don't adopt more?

[TheOtherMother4]

To clarify, I don't have any children of my own and really don't want to offend anyone but I was thinking about the lengths people go to for IVF, especially in countries such as the USA where it can't be covered by a health service and was wondering why people don't adopt more often. I understand that it may not be the same if you were unable to conceive naturally but surely if you wanted a child that badly then you could adopt and drastically help an existing child's life. Just wondering.

It's not easy to be accepted
It's emotional hell

I don't know, I wonder if it being much harder to be an adoptive parent might possibly play a small part

Do you think there are hundreds of teenage girls sadly waving goodbye to newborns at the hospital in order to give them a better life? Because that’s really not the case for 99% of kids out there needing adoptive parents.

It can be very expensive, a very long drawn out process and it really annoys me when people treat it as some kind of 'oh just adopt' option.
There's potentially a lot of emotional fall out on both sides, children can come into your life from terrible backgrounds and have lots of issues...
It's very different to parenting your own biological children.

I say that as someone who has friends who have adopted [babies, toddlers and older children] and other friends who have had IVF.

At the end of the day, it's very sad that a lot of children out there don't have homes, but it's really not a quick-fix solution and, seeing what my friends have been through (including the utter joy and delight in their children), it takes a very special kind of person.

I'm far from an expert (so anyone please feel free to correct me), but from what I understand, it's not the same as it was in 'the old days' where unmarried mothers were stigmatised and made to give their children up for adoption. Therefore these days, there are far fewer children to adopt and the ones who do need homes are often older and have lived through some traumatic experiences already, all of which need a very specific type of person who is willing to give them a home. I think the days of being able to take home a healthy 2 month old are probably gone and a lot of people possibly feel that they don't have the experience necessary to adopt a child who has had a difficult start in life.

Adopted children have very often come from difficult/chaotic circumstances and many suffer from attachment issues. Adopting a child is certainly not an easy ride, even if you were to be accepted (and the process itself is extremely difficult). There are many many reasons that people don’t adopt.

This is offensive to people with infertility problems and people who have adopted. You make light of both issues with this post.

No one is this underinformed and unimaginative, surely?

Because adoption isn't an easy / convenient solution

Because some people are desperate to try to have a biological family of their own

Loads of reasons

@blairwaldorfsheadband wholeheartedly agree.
OP, have you adopted?

There are very few healthy newborns available for adoption.
Children who are put up for adoption have often suffered significant trauma, placement changes and sadness in their lives. This makes some of them a challenge to care for.
My SIL adopted a baby girl but she is a rarity. The child is a lovely young woman now and has always been delightful but it wasn’t always easy for the adoptive mother emotionally with guilt abnormal parental feelings.

Most children who have been removed from birth parents care will have suffered some form of neglect, trauma and abuse. They will have had disrupted attachments. This means that many off the children will have additional support needs and attachment issues. Legal proceedings can be long, costly, stressful and difficult.

Not to mention the stress of the assessment process.
It really must be a decision made by the heart and the head. A romanticised notion of adoption really isn't helpful.

For most people to adopt a baby/toddler especially in the UK, you have to adopt from abroad. If you don't have family roots in another country and can get a passport from that country then foreign adoption is even harder than it already is. Loads of countries now refuse to allow anyone who isn't a national of that country to adopt.

Because I wanted my own baby, not someone else’s.

whether you choose to put yourself through the assessment and matching for adoption or not, is not related in any way to whether you have a birth child or not.

If you feel you have a vocation to adopt that is fine, but it is very very hard, there are very few children available, and most have serious medical and mental health problems, and it is very hard to be accepted.

you can be fertile or infertile, this has no bearing on whether you are suitable to adopt

Unless you have been through the adoption process yourself, and are therefore privy to all the emotion it entails, I don’t think you have any right to question why other don’t do this.

Because they want their own biological child? Or from the standpoint of a woman, she wants to carry and birth a child?

Adoption isn’t easy either. I always say if having a biological child was anywhere near as difficult as adoption, most people wouldn’t be arsed. There’s so much red tape to jump through, it’s a very long drawn out process. You have to be seriously dedicated to the cause to make it work.

Also worth noting that many adopted children come from extremely troubled backgrounds and they can seriously struggle to feel accepted. It’s not an easy journey for anyone involved (this isn’t always the case of course).

Am constantly surprised how ignorant some people can be.

Yeah, if only everyone knew how easy it is to go along to the childrens' home and pick a newborn baby to keep forever...

PLEASE do not say this to anyone going through infertility.. people saying this to us REALLY upset me and it was quite obvious they hadn’t been through it themselves.
If people wanted to adopt, which is an incredible thing to do, they would.
For us, we wanted to explore having our own biological child first with me carrying them. Luckily ivf worked for us but had it not, we wouldn’t have rushed into adoption as we know full well it’s not an easy process, it’s incredibly invasive and has so many challenges of its own. Have a look into the adoption process and you will see just some of hoops people have to jump through.

There are pretty tough criteria and assessment processes for the adopters, plenty of people who reproduce without assistance would fail this process.
Not everyone either wants or will be able to deal with the signficant challenges that many of the DC who are freed for adoption will through no fault of their own bring with them.
You are very unlikely to be matched to a baby.
Because wanting a DC who is genetically part of you is a basic biological urge for many people.

Personally I wouldn't adopt because most children up for adoption have experienced trauma and/or were exposed to drugs/alcohol inutero and I don't think I could provide the child what it needs. I'm also not a naturally maternal person and I'm not sure I could love an adopted child.

I have great admiration and respect for adoptive parents, what they do is amazing and it's not something anyone could do. Same for foster carers.

High levels of trauma, attachment disorder, FASD
Low levels of support
Adoption has been the hardest thing I have ever done. Nobody who knows me would ever adopt.
Violence, destruction, fight for services, education system that does not understand
I love my DC and I will hang in there as long as I can but I would never recommend anyone adopting
The whole system needs an overhaul

I used to plan to have 2 birth children then adopt a third. Having 2 birth children made me realise that I am in no way suitable to be an adoptive parent (too many issues, too many buttons to press). I look back now and marvel at my naivety.