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Original poster

To wonder why people don't adopt more?

238 replies

TheOtherMother4 · 16/08/2018 21:26

To clarify, I don't have any children of my own and really don't want to offend anyone but I was thinking about the lengths people go to for IVF, especially in countries such as the USA where it can't be covered by a health service and was wondering why people don't adopt more often. I understand that it may not be the same if you were unable to conceive naturally but surely if you wanted a child that badly then you could adopt and drastically help an existing child's life. Just wondering.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 16/08/2018 22:55

From MN Talk Guidelines:
We'd appreciate it if you could use the same courtesy when posting messages on Talk as you would use when speaking to someone face to face.

Rufus27 · 16/08/2018 22:55

For all those saying you can rarely adopt a baby, we had no choice but to .... we were approved for a three to seven year old, but our LA only had under ones so we ended up adopting an eight month old (and then doing exactly the same thing a year later!).

I can say with absolute honesty that the fact our DC are not genetically ours has never, ever crossed our minds. In our minds, they are 100% ‘ours’ - full stop. They are even beginning to show some of our traits so it’s as much nurture as nature. Yes, they have experienced early trauma and both have a number of ‘unknowns’ but this in no way diminishes our love for them. If anything it makes the bond stronger.

Having said that, I understand not everyone thinks in the way we do and I absolutely respect anyone who says adoption is not for them.

I would suggest anyone considering adoption looks at the Adoption board on MN where there are lots of well informed, helpful contributors.

Mammalamb · 16/08/2018 22:56

These days most children who are put up for adoption have complex needs. Social services don’t just hand children out for adoption these days (quite rightly). The process for adopting is very difficult; we started the process a few years ago and it is not easy.

Loopytiles · 16/08/2018 22:57

Some DC who are removed from their biological parents will have life long health issues, SN and challenges, for example due to their mother’s substance abuse. Public services are not adequate for DC with SN (adopted or not) and their families.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 16/08/2018 22:57

I have no problem with the idea that an adopted child wouldn't be biologically mine but the fact that there is no clean break with the birth parent these days was a dealbreaker for us. Any adopted child really wouldn't be ours. We felt like we would merely be custodians and the day said child uttered the words "you're not my real mum" - as I imagine most adopted children would at some point - my infertile heart would surely shatter irreparably.

Also we were advised to go away and come back once we had grieved for our own unborn children. I honestly don't know how you're supposed to evidence that.

Finally, and I know this is controversial, but I wanted a tiny baby more than anything.

drspouse · 16/08/2018 22:58

Theseare adopted children get a lot from their parents too. I doubt DS would have such a mad dress sense without me and DD and DH are both very similar quiet personalities. Sounds like you don't actually think your DCs are independent people.
I suffered with this in a minor way with my family - a couple of grandparents thinking all the grandchildren will follow in their footsteps due to some odd idea of genetics. I'm very glad nobody will have the chance to put that on my children.

idonthaveatattoo · 16/08/2018 22:58

Dione if someone said to me in real life, tell me why you won’t adopt, I would give them the same answer I have here. The point is I wouldn’t randomly volunteer the information.

MrsPeacockDidIt · 16/08/2018 22:58

After my 3rd failed IVF cycle when it became clear my eggs were never going to result in the baby I so desperately wanted we looked into other options. For me it was about being a family of more than 2 that I wanted rather than a biological child. I spoke to my local authority above it adoption to be told that as a white couple we would not be taken on their books as they would only place children with parents of same race and there were so few white children that they hadn’t closed the list over a year before. I tried a neighbouring borough and told the same thing. We looked into adopting from abroad but the very complicated legal aspects that can stop an adoption at the final hour put me off. We went for 3rd option of donor egg IVF which resulted in our longed for child.

Biology is a huge thing for some people (I met many infertile women on my own journey) but for me it wasn’t. Probably as I was raised in care myself. You honestly don’t know how you will feel about these things until you are placed in that position.

Thesearepearls · 16/08/2018 23:00

Thesearepearls - your DH sounds like a bit of a twat

The DCs call him the voice of reason every time I get all soft and gooey (which in fairness is quite a lot of the time). I think he is honest - that's his defining quality and it's a pretty great quality. If he tells me honestly this is something he can't do, then surely that has to be fair enough

Mammalamb · 16/08/2018 23:01

Thesearepearls. It is much better that your husband is honest than adopting when his heart wasn’t in it. Adoption isn’t for everyone. I don’t think he was a twat

SemperIdem · 16/08/2018 23:01

Rufus

I do know someone who adopted a baby. At the time was fostering babies removed at birth and this baby, they fell in love with, and ultimately adopted. School age now and recently they welcomed a biological child. Both were incredibly upset by some idiots saying things like “so nice that you have your own baby now”...”congratulations on your first baby”. Both feel very strongly that their first child made them parents, it hurts and angers them when people suggest otherwise. Their new baby completed their family, as a second baby often does, rather than made them one.

toomanypillows · 16/08/2018 23:02

I think threads like this are useful as there are so many misconceptions surrounding adoption and IVF.
We had a go at IVF 10 years ago and actually withdrew from the process because we had a kind of draw to looking into adoption and IVF felt wrong for us.
Fast forward and now we have two children. Both adopted as babies - DS was five months old when he came home (he's now 9) and DD was 18 weeks old (she is now 5)
They are full birth siblings but we are their parents. They call us mummy and daddy. They crawl into bed with us on weekend mornings. They blame us when the WiFi won't work and they hold us if they're sad.
We are the people who put plasters on their grazes, teach them how to ride their bikes, enforce homework and go to parents evenings.
We are the ones who scrimp and save to take them on holiday and fashion rotas for school drops off and pick ups. We are the ones who sit down every night and cannot believe how lucky we are.
Tell me again that they are not my children. The love I have for them is fierce and proud and visceral. My heart melts daily and I would do literally anything for them.

Adoption is amazing. It isn't for everyone - it is hard and emotional to get here - but when you are here, the view is incredible.

idonthaveatattoo · 16/08/2018 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

inquiquotiokixul · 16/08/2018 23:04

"Good enough parenting" simply isn't good enough for children whose own parents have fallen so short of "good enough" that the children must be removed. Those children have already had a lifetime's worth of muddling through. They now need absolutely excellent parents. Better than 90% of ordinary mortals. The approvals process is brutal at weeding out hopeful adopters who would be perfectly good enough parents to any child they conceived naturally but who simply aren't good enough to adopt.

Thesearepearls · 16/08/2018 23:06

I feel jealous and humbled at the same time toomanypillows

zwellers · 16/08/2018 23:06

Idonthaveatatoo. Thanks for informing me my wonderful parents who gave me a fantastic childhood really have never considered me theirs. Your single post is the most uninformed and hurtful thing I have seen on mumsnet. Hope you are proud of yourself

Rufus27 · 16/08/2018 23:06

@Semperldem @toomanypillows

Great posts. Thank you both for lowering my blood pressure and restoring my faith Grin

bluemoonchances · 16/08/2018 23:08

Oooooo fuck off OP. Hmm

willstarttomorrow · 16/08/2018 23:08

In my LA these days it is very rare to place children for adoption because we place within families. However where this is not an option I have to get through the court process for newborns to parents within the 5 months. I drive all over the country to visit family and every time I pass a town where a child I was a social worker for in pregnancy and the early months ended up I always wish them well. I know they are okay but they have a little bit of my heart.

Rufus27 · 16/08/2018 23:10

@zwellers

Please, please ignore that poster. Their ignorance is stunning.

Janni01 · 16/08/2018 23:13

@zwellers. Agreed, my parents aren't cruel people and didn't do a cruel thing.

AthenaisdeRochechouart · 16/08/2018 23:14

Adoptive parents get mad and think we are twats

No, I think Thesearepearls' DH comes across as a twat because of the way she described him in her post.

You (idonthaveatatoo) strike me as unpleasant because you say adopted children are not "their own" Well, our dearly loved teenager very much thinks she is ours and that we are her mum and dad. I have no problem with you (or anyone) not wanting to adopt; I object to you thinking my family are deluding ourselves.

Thesearepearls · 16/08/2018 23:15

it is an act of unspeakable cruelty and I wouldn’t wish to be part of it.

It's not rational to say that adoption is an action of unspeakable cruelty. The adopters I know have had a pretty hard time of it TBH. Drug-addicted parents getting straight for a day and demanding their kids back etc. Actually being able to get the kids away from criminals/drug addicts. It's not easy.

I won't post the most heartrending story of adoption that I know because it's very outing for the parents involved who are good friends. Except to say that in their sixties they make the weekly 120 mile round trip to prison to visit their adoptive son whom they love with all their heart. Adoption doesn't always work because the children might be so hurt and damaged that nothing not even the best (and I agree that parents who are approved for adopting are the very best) parents can sort things out.

Metoodear · 16/08/2018 23:19

object to you thinking my family are deluding ourselves.

This with fucking bells on

Love is not biology it’s more their is a reason mother’s who find their children have been swapped at birth often don’t want to swap back

BeenThereDone · 16/08/2018 23:21

Speaking as an adopted person, there are many many reasons for why people don't adopt more nowadays.... It's such a long long process and extremely intrusive not many people are able for the level of scrutiny that every single aspect of your life, family, relationships will be subject to.

There are so many older children with needs most people would not have the capacity to be able to deal. Plus not many newborns being put up for adoption anymore.
There is also the sentiment that alot of people have that they would prefer their own biological child. Even if that means going down the expensive Ivf route. The biological urge to conceive, carry and birth a child is so strong.
And the concern of what would happen if you didn't bond with an adopted child.