To wonder why people don't adopt more?

[TheOtherMother4]

To clarify, I don't have any children of my own and really don't want to offend anyone but I was thinking about the lengths people go to for IVF, especially in countries such as the USA where it can't be covered by a health service and was wondering why people don't adopt more often. I understand that it may not be the same if you were unable to conceive naturally but surely if you wanted a child that badly then you could adopt and drastically help an existing child's life. Just wondering.

People used to say this to me all the time when we were going through IVF - I used to want to punch them.

If adoption is such a great (and easy option) then why save it for the infertile - why not everyone?

I hugely admire those who’ve adopted but I knew it wasn’t for me.

Look, like I said, I didn't want to offend or upset anybody and I am NOT trying to make light of such issues, it was just something I was thinking about and people have been very helpful in pointing out all the possible ways in which adoption is not often a viable option.

I have a family member who is a foster carer. The kids they have cared for have very complex needs and not all are suitable for adoption because they have such severe attachment issues and/or multiple health issues. Those that have been successfully adopted can still have ongoing issues and the adoptive parents have no support. It is nothing like having your own child and requires quite exceptional parenting skills.

Because lots of children in the care system arent suitable for adoption.
There are lots of failed adoptions too. Its not an easy thing for anyone one to do you cant just rock up at a foster home and pick one out.

I met an Australian Social Worker who said that in Australia they no longer do adoptions. They instead do long term fostering until the child is 18.

Another factor a friend of mine was fostering relinquished babies (drugs, religious reasons, one night stands etc.). The adoption process was very drawn out and on average took a year for a baby to be adopted.

unable to conceive naturally but surely if you wanted a child that badly then you could adopt

Why do you think adoption is just for people suffering infertility? Why don’t you think that people without fertility problems should adopt if they want a child badly?

It’s rare for newborn babies to be given up for adoption. There are options available (contraception, abortion) which means there are simply less unwanted babies. The majority of children requiring adoption are sibling groups, disabled children, or those who have been through trauma. All of these things means they are often not suitable to be adopted out to would-be first-time parents. If a family is not coping with a child/children and SS is involved then SS will try and help the family as much as they can before removing them. This means that if children are eventually removed they are likely to be older and less “desirable” for potential adopters.

This means, in crude terms, that demand simply outstrips supply. It’s hard to adopt and you have to jump through a lot of hoops. I have been on anti depressants since my eldest was young, so I doubt I would be approved to adopt even my own children.

I think these days, most children up for adoption come from different circumstances than say 50 years ago when teenage pregnancies and single parenthood was more of a stigma. Many have very troubled early starts to life, the ramifications of which can be profound.

"Why don’t you think that people without fertility problems should adopt if they want a child badly?"

thank you!! we did it - admittedly years ago - because on my side I was all "fucking hell, overpopulation" and DP was adopted himself.

just couldn't see the point in adding more humans and thought it was good to look after those who didn't have parents. I'm still on the Pill!

I have heard that adoption has become much harder but I presume that meant the criteria. I didn't realise, till joining MN, that so many people were concerned about various issues with children.

‘Those who don’t have parents’

If you’re an adoptive parent, I’m Taylor Swift.

Wow, some of you are horrid. I suspect the OP is massively naive about this subject and is trying to educate themselves by asking. At least they are trying to understand rather than just spouting off

Nice to meet you, Taylor.

Sorry, I should have chosen my words better - those who don't have parents in a position to take care of them. I suspect that won't make you happy either.

Honestly, I wanted my own baby or none. I wasn't confident I could love a child that wasn't biologically mine the same so I would never dream of risking giving a vulnerable child a home as they deserve better. I might have surprised myself, but I didn't want to take the risk. I have nothing but admiration for people that go through the gruelling process of adoption and then embrace the child as their own but like most things in life, some people are suited to it and others aren't.

For most people to adopt a baby/toddler especially in the UK, you have to adopt from abroad
This hasn't been true for at least 5 years. I know plenty of adopters who've had babies/toddlers placed with them.
We are overseas adopters but chose that route due to family connections.
I hear lots of people saying they don't feel they could love an adopted child "like their own" so it's probably best they don't adopt!

You are more or less certain to have a child with SN.

You also need to be open to the relationship of your child with their birth family. I see this issue a lot in current adopters (why should they still have a claim, my child never lived with that sibling so why should they meet, my 6yo doesn't want me to write to birth family so I won't).

Seriously?

Expensive, difficult to be accepted, takes years, hard to adopt babies / young kids unless you’re willing to consider those with additional needs which not all people are able to cope with.

Let me say this loudly.
ADOPTED CHILDREN ARE YOUR OWN
If you don't think this, yes, best you don't adopt.
But get it straight in your head for every time you talk to an adoptive family.
Please.

I was adopted, and I don't know how to put this? Stop being such an igronant prick.

Well, here in Australia it’s simply not an option. In countries where it is an option, it’s a very long, expensive, emotionally taxing process, and you’re not guaranteed a child at the end of it anyway.

It can be very expensive, a very long drawn out process

But so is IVF?

I'm not sure why you're getting quite such a hard time OP, I do think adoption needs to have more awareness. My two best friends adopted a boy four years ago who was 10 at the time. They were his absolute last chance of being out of foster care for life and building a family of his own. The process wasn't easy, surely no one would want it to be as children in care often have very specific needs, but four years later to see them all together is such a life affirming experience and very heart warming.

Sorry if it offends you drspouse but it’s how I see it.

No, I wouldn’t be so crass as to say it to adoptive parents. But that’s not really their kid at all.

YABVU.

It takes a strong person/couple to adopt, it's very tough and no matter how stringent and detailed they try to make the process many adoptions still break down. It takes a certain kind of person to do it and it has nothing to do with 'wanting' a baby or child enough. It's also for a good reason that you have to wait a certain time after stopping fertility treatment before being apply to proceed.

“This is offensive to people with infertility problems and people who have adopted. You make light of both issues with this post.”

This.

Adoption isn’t a consolation for not having ‘your own’ child. Adopted children deserve to be wanted for themselves.

And I am no more selfish for having a baby via IVF than all the parents who naturally conceived their child. But they never seem to get stick for it.