To wonder why people don't adopt more?

[TheOtherMother4]

To clarify, I don't have any children of my own and really don't want to offend anyone but I was thinking about the lengths people go to for IVF, especially in countries such as the USA where it can't be covered by a health service and was wondering why people don't adopt more often. I understand that it may not be the same if you were unable to conceive naturally but surely if you wanted a child that badly then you could adopt and drastically help an existing child's life. Just wondering.

I had successful IVF but would not have attempted the adoption process to become a parent. I have a very difficult and unstable family and felt that would have gone against me despite me being so bloody conventional.

I was a referee for my friend when she adopted. The process was gruelling and humiliating (she adopted as a single parent) but she saw it as the long game to becoming a parent. One of the tihings that really stuck with me was that she was told - this child may never love you. It could see you as part of the process that split them from their birth parents.

She did adopt and although the child has complex needs there is great love in that home from both sides but still to be told that is so harsh.

an act of unspeakable cruelty

what do you think should happen to these children then?

I don’t think you’re deciding yourself. I’m talking about my reasons for not adopting. Not sure why that’s so hard to follow.

Because adoption isn't about finding babies for parents but about finding families for children- often those who have experienced really awful things before entering the care system. So - it's not easy for anyone.

What happens elsewhere?

We are pretty much the only country who forcibly part children from their parents in such a way.

And sometimes there are excellent reasons for this. Sometimes there are not.

It takes a certain kind of person to parent a dc whole heartedly for decades and understand that they may well contact birth family often via social media in their teens and then adoptive parents are co-parenting to a certain extent. This is obviously not going to happen to everyone but I have seen it cause issues and social media is a growing issue.

❤️ @Thesearepearls

@Idonthaveatatoo - obviously I am not going to go into detail but my two children and their 8 siblings (some full and some half) would disagree with you that their adoptions are an act of unspeakable cruelty. They would probably suggest that their adoptions saved their lives and gave them a chance where they categorically would not have had one.

We write to birth mother and father every single year. Not once have they opened those letters.

But still we write.

We see our children's siblings twice a year and have a relationship with them and with their adoptive parents. We have two families.

Back to the OP: For us, this is our wonderful life and we feel blessed that we not only have our children, but also their siblings in our lives. But I guess this is one reason why some people would choose not to adopt. I can't think of a better way to have a family personally - but I am massively biased.

We are pretty much the only country who forcibly part children from their parents in such a way.

Where's the data? What do you want to happen to the children of parents with chaotic/criminal/drug-addicted lifestyles?

zwellers and janni I agree too. I’m an adoptive parent. I don’t believe this makes me cruel or part of a cruel process. My DD is very much my own. She also has two birth parents who are not bad people. They were given repeated chances to be ‘good enough’ parents and couldn’t step up to the mark. But they loved my daughter, despite being unable to care adequately for her.

Adoption isn’t for everyone, I respect those who say they are not cut out for it, or those who have started the process and decided it’s not for them.

Adoption is one way of creating a family. It’s not better or worse than all the other ways of becoming a family just different (and in lots of ways I’d say it is probably harder, certainly I think more resilience is often required but then there are no guarantees with children however they come to be part of your family).

All I know is that adoption was right for me and for DD. I don’t take offence at anyone asking why adopt, or why IVF, I do take offence at the notion my daughter isn’t ‘my’ child. She is, and I think she would also take offence at the notion she wasn’t somehow my daughter just because I didn’t give birth to her.

You gave your reason for not adopting on page 1 of the thread Idonthave. And that was fair enough. However your posts since this gem No, I wouldn’t be so crass as to say it to adoptive parents. But that’s not really their kid at all have been unpleasant, untrue and about adoptive families, not you.

Our dd came home to us at 10 months and dd2 at 12 months

pillow is right, it's the wrong way of looking at it. The question isn't about infertility and adoption it should be about who are the best parents for the dc who need them.

People should want to adopt children in the first place, children shouldn't be a consolation prize for people unable to conceive naturally.

Similarly the world is not like Annie or Oliver. You don't get a ready made perfect child with a jolly little sing song. Children go into 'the system' for a number of reasons, but mostly because they're vulnerable or have come from difficult or abusive backgrounds. Building a bond with an adopted child is absolutely crucial, and not always easy, and many people don't feel ready for that kind of commitment.

idonthaveatattoo

What happens elsewherethey stay in foster care for life with no permanent family and multiple moves awsome confused]

And we’re not the only country that remove children from their parents if their abuseing the sexually or physically

But make no mistake the country’s that don’t the children sit in foster care and ping pong between BP extended family and foster care

I'm planning to adopt a teen when my other 2 are a bit older because teens barely get adopted, it just breaks my heart!

So its preferable for children to live in foster placements or residential homes rather than have the opportunity to grow up in a family and have a mum and/or dad?

My son was given up for adoption by his dad at age 4. I adopted him age 8. Dad kept a younger child who is now 10 and was removed from dad's care as an emergency nearly two years ago. I won't describe for you the neglect that child has suffered. He is now in the care system, one foster carer and two residential homes in the space of the last two months. I am hoping to be able to foster him in time. It would have been far better for him to have been removed at the same time as my son, to have what my son has - a home, stability, a mum

Children should be with their birth parents unless it’s truly dangerous for them to be.

Don’t say that already happens. I know of babies removed from birth parents while older children remain.

Because adoption isn't easy.

Because it's expensive.

Because it's emotional hell at a time where you feel your own body hates you.

Their never really yours.

Some people just want their own children.

sugaredcornflakes I will be to old when mine are old enough, but I told DP after we get married nexy year, I want to a foster carer. I have a cousin adopted from Romania in the 90S, two friend who have the most loving adult relationships with their Mums. Adoptive mum's if you like, to them and us it is just their mum.

YABU I know three couples who adopted and only one it went well for. One could was approved for a three year old or younger and then told a six year old was available and if they said no they would not be offered another child. They said yes. Adopted the child and two years later the child (with serious issues they were not supported with) was back with Foster parents. Awful for all. The second couple adopted two children at once. Again these children had serious issues and the couple were given no support. One of the couple was driven to a breakdown and adoption failed. It can be a devastating system. For both children and adults. I always thought ugh I would adopt rather than have my own but seeing the hell these lovely people went through (in very different areas of the UK) I wouldn't have even attempted it.

For some dc stable long term foster care is a fantastic option but for others adoption will be likely to work better, there are also some dc who will do better in group homes or supported living. Not every dc has the same need.
It is true that the adoption system the UK has is unusual but the US system of endless fc with a goal of returning home has the parents rights not their responsibility at the heart of it.

@FesteringCarbuncle.

so you are happy for children to live in homes where there are maggots on rotting food, to be sleeping on urine soaked mattresses, to be wearing clothes so small they have cut into their skin, to be left alone for days at the age of 7, because dad has gone out drinking, got arrested, ended up in cells and omitted to inform police there is a child unattended at home. Because none of these things are in themselves 'truly dangerous'

PS I should say the other family I know worked out wonderfully and brilliantly.

I grew up in a family of biological, adopted and foster children.
I'm not under any illusion that there weren't difficult times for my parents but it all seems so much more complication and problematic in these times.
My mother still supports foster parents and adopters and agrees Society, the system and almost certainly a rise in substance abuse has changed it. The damage to some of the children means quite often families can't cope and replacements are common.
In her network there are a lot of families who adopt from Ethopia with happier stories .
Life, I guess is simpler there.