To wonder why people don't adopt more?

[TheOtherMother4]

To clarify, I don't have any children of my own and really don't want to offend anyone but I was thinking about the lengths people go to for IVF, especially in countries such as the USA where it can't be covered by a health service and was wondering why people don't adopt more often. I understand that it may not be the same if you were unable to conceive naturally but surely if you wanted a child that badly then you could adopt and drastically help an existing child's life. Just wondering.

YABU

I am a private person and there’s no way I could cope with every aspect of my life being raked over to determine if I was suitable.

In the UK - because adoption at birth is really unusual and it tends to be toddlers/older children who have all experienced a degree of trauma, neglect, abuse. So there are behavioural and emotional issues which cannot be foreseen sometimes and certainly cannot be fixed with a “firm but fair” parenting approach.

I have nothing but respect for people who have adopted their children.

There are pretty high standards for adoptive parents, I would have to think carefully before being totally upfront about some of my childhood experiences, I would struggle to demonstrate a good enough social network outside of work, we live along way from family, we both worked. We did have a spare bedroom but the same council who would tell a parent that having a dc under two in a one bedroom flat wasn't overcrowding wouldn't let a couple adopt in the same circumstances.

All I know spouse is that I think removing a child from her parents is an act of unspeakable cruelty that should only be done in the most exceptional circumstances.

Long process. Have to have house and life vetted.

Rarely adopt a baby. Likely children will have emotional difficulties, learning difficulties or health issues.

Not always picked up straight away.

Stigma?

Look I've not asked this because I'm trying to judge anyone or because I think that I know anything about this, it's because I'm trying to find out other people's views so surely the people telling me to educate myself can see that that is what I'm trying to do here and that calling me an ignorant prick doesn't really help.

Of course there’ are also people like @idonthaveatattoo who think their genes are so important that they have to be carried on.

It is the biological attachment, besides that adoption process is long drawn out and has it's fair share of heartache waiting along the way. If I was in the situation I would like to adopt an older child. Not as a consolation child but to give love too, your baby is your baby when you take care of them.
I've seen family go through it for 8 years, they eventually adopted 2 girls from England but it took its toll of them as a couple. Even now the first girl has learning difficulties her Mum was an addict, the 2nd is really smart, they do favour the 2nd child I know that is awful and I wonder if she was their biological daughter would it be different. I know they feel guilty over DD1.

I had a lot of problems having children and we registered as potential adopters. We went for an adoption training weekend, after which DH said that he was not prepared to go forward with adoption. Both potential adoptive parents have to be fully engaged with the process, so we withdrew and in fairness social services said that they saw we were having difficulties.

I will give you DH's reasons for not adopting.

1. Adoption happens late in the UK. By the time you get the children they will have suffered an awful lot of harm and will come to you with attachment disorders and an awful lot of baggage that you are going to have to work at for the rest of your life

1. There's no biological connection. I get this argument of DH's now that I have had my own children. I understand DS's gravity - that comes from my father. I understand the problem DS has with his teeth - that comes from me. I understand DD's impatience - that comes from me. I understand their kindliness. I know everything about them because they come from me/us. It's different with an adoptive child

1. DH felt (although i didn't) that he would not be able to love "someone else's child". That's not my argument. For example I love my four godchildren. I would have no hesitation in taking them in and caring for them should it be required.

Anyway you asked for the reasons. They might not be great reasons. I would very much like to foster now but DH again is unenthusiastic. I do feel we have a lot to offer but DH has a very critical health condition and it wouldn't be fair if he wasn't really up for it.

I don’t think my genes are so important they need to be passed on.

However, I won’t deny it, i wanted my own children. So sue me

idont

You have no idea how many times those exceptional circumstances occur.

I worked in Family Legal Aid in the past, only for a year. I cried every day after work. The things that go on behind closed doors are both heartbreaking and disturbing. So many of those children were robbed of a better future and a happier, less dysfunctional, life because of the current stance on not removing children until something absolutely appalling has happened.

Do you realise how many hoops you have to jump through. Adoption is a very intrusive process emotionally.

The adoption process is horrendous. Dh and I went through it years ago. We are a mixed race couple and Dh is Hindu. A social worker basically told us we had no chance due to our combined nationalities and even said there just aren't enough Hindu babies/children, they'd get placed with a full Hindu family before us. They said quite a few nasty jibes and we were completely put off. In retrospect we should have taken it further but I was heartbroken.

I really didn't want fertility treatment but this felt the only way left for us to have a family. I have two beautiful boys who I wouldn't change for the world, but even now still I wish we could have adopted, it was such a fixed idea in my mind I feel like they are missing from our family.

most have serious medical and mental health problems

Source for this untrue statement?

Adopting our DD (now in her teens) is the best thing we ever did.

I really wanted to be pregnant, and to have a chance to breastfeed and to do the whole newborn thing

But I also watched my cousin go to hell and back to adopt a baby who was the 4th child to be taken from the drug addict mother, and then be forced as a condition of the adoption to help that addict keep some contact with the baby
And not to be allowed to visit certain towns in case they bumped into her, and to have to worry and panic at every party and school play that no one was taking photos of him
And for him to have a really awful name that she wasn't allowed to change
And for her to deal with a whole raft of physical and emotional difficulties

IVF was a walk in the park compared to that, and probably a hell of a lot cheaper than the therapy that she has had

I admit I have not read the whole thread but as a CP social worker I would just like to point out we are not placing puppies on gumtree. Damaged children and babies, they need families that can manage that. I would also like to point out that we also do not have an endless pool of amazing foster carers who can magically fix very damaged children. So sometimes it is better to try and make things work within very damaged families. Because care is shit, things have to be very bad if that is the only option. Uness OP you are willing to open up your home?

This as Windswept said

I'm far from an expert (so anyone please feel free to correct me), but from what I understand, it's not the same as it was in 'the old days' where unmarried mothers were stigmatised and made to give their children up for adoption. Therefore these days, there are far fewer children to adopt and the ones who do need homes are often older and have lived through some traumatic experiences already, all of which need a very specific type of person who is willing to give them a home. I think the days of being able to take home a healthy 2 month old are probably gone and a lot of people possibly feel that they don't have the experience necessary to adopt a child who has had a difficult start in life.

The requirements on adoptive parents are high as PPs said. I have always hoped to adopt but with illhealth in the family now it would never be approved, but we could of course have a biological child and we would are not so terrible and incompetant that our child would be taken into care.

I was over optimistic when I was younger and thought that a loving home would conquer all, but experience since has taught me that reality it is often more complex. Heartbreaking for the damaged kids. I would still adopt it if were circs made it possible though.

idont however hard adoption is I have seen distressingly large numbers of dc who cannot remain safely in their birth family. One of the reasons dc are often not babies when adopted is the lengthy process that is gone through to free dc for adoption and it is not done lightly. Sadly not all parents are able to provide in the most basic levels of safety and care for their dc.

I want a biological child, i’m Sorry I just do. I also suffered from very severe depression years ago and I bet that I would never pass the adoption process.

I have also placed children for adoption very successfully and it has been magical. I have several friends who are adopters and their kids are very much theirs but they have been older children (over 12 months) and they are wonderful. However they are having to deal with attachment issues etc and there is always a fight with school or others who just do not get it.

Kudos to anyone who adopts. It's a selfless amazing act. If I had more money, less mental health issues, a bigger house, a biological child of our own and be younger, I'd consider it! But we don't have any of these things.

I do think my and my dp genes are important and for that reason, I'd never adopt. We both want our own biological child. To look like us, share our traits, the beautiful human we made together.

To shame anyone for that is utterly preposterous and bewildering.

Thesearepearls - your DH sounds like a bit of a twat.

idont I repeat, what relationship do you think a child has to their adopted parents?
Those children that call them Mummy and Daddy, are they deluded?
The adults who continue to have a close relationship with them, are they just loose acquaintances?

Because they want to experience pregnancy and have their own biological children just like those without fertility problems.

Nothing worse than those with biological children of their own, saying to those suffering the pain of infertility "Oh why don't you just adopt then?" The reply is "Why didn't you adopt then?" It's alright for them to want their own children but not for those with fertility problems.

Because children in the care system have often come from traumatic backgrounds and have behaviour or physical problems that mean you have to be very mentally strong to cope.

Adopting is a wonderful thing to do but it has to be a first choice, positive option. It isn't easy. I have had ISCI and it was very very very hard but no way did I feel strong enough to ever consider adoption.

Adoptive parents are not amazing or exceptional or selfless - we're just mums and dads.