To wonder why people don't adopt more?

[TheOtherMother4]

To clarify, I don't have any children of my own and really don't want to offend anyone but I was thinking about the lengths people go to for IVF, especially in countries such as the USA where it can't be covered by a health service and was wondering why people don't adopt more often. I understand that it may not be the same if you were unable to conceive naturally but surely if you wanted a child that badly then you could adopt and drastically help an existing child's life. Just wondering.

Lots of local authorities are now looking at placing newborns/young babies with approved fostering-to-adopting families so the baby stays with them and they go on to adopt (if that's the ultimate goal).

My friends were approved for concurrent parenting, which was positioned by the LA as a means to adopt a baby - as they were told many times that the likelihood of the baby going back to the birth mother was very small

The LO came to them at 5 weeks and then at 11 months he went back to BM. They were utterly heartbroken

It's amazing if it's seen as fostering with the possibility of adopting at the end

It's much more problematic if it's sold to prospective adopters as a way of adopting a baby, who aren't emotionally equipped for the fact this might not be a route to adoption, and the LO leaving their home. They weren't adequately prepared for this outcome, I hope that other LA approach this differently to their experience.

This is an excellent thread with so many realistic perspectives about adoption from the different people involved in it.

I am adopted myself and have recently supported and been a referee for my oldest and closest friend as she and her husband adopted.

To answer the OP, I would say that the reason more people don't adopt is because it is a BRUTAL process. No aspect of my friend and her husband's life was not examined, discussed and considered in their bid to adopt. The social workers throughout the process changed multiple times, there was little consistency and much repetition. As others have said, the children / more rarely babies available for adoption have not come from happy homes. My skin still crawls when I think about what happened to the two my friend has adopted. This means that even at their very young ages, they come with big issues that may or may not be resolved and that is a hell of an undertaking. The ongoing support from social services is absolutely shite, now that they've established my friend and her husband are not child absusers - there is next to no support, other than a few parenting classes a year, which simply isn't sufficient for children with complex behavioral issues.

As an adopted person myself, I would say the process and legacy is brutal too, but that's a whole other post.

it must be hurtful when you bring up an adopted child and treat them as your own then they go and seek out their birth parents and they get a connection with them?
Kind of like the saying blood thicker than water?

@bananafish81 That is so incredibly sad for your friends. It's not perfect, and there isn't any way of knowing for sure baby will stay with you forever from so early on as the LA have 24 weeks to investigate and assess, and sometimes that assessment means the baby/child goes back to it's biological child.

It's rubbish.

My parents have fostered many babies, including 2 I can think of whose parents relinquished their rights at birth and had no contact, and in those cases foster-to-adopt would have been ideal. Luckily both babies were adopted by 2 couples who couldn't have biological children and as far as we know, all is very very well. (AS FAR AS I KNOW)

it must be hurtful when you bring up an adopted child and treat them as your own then they go and seek out their birth parents and they get a connection with them?
I see this attitude in current adoptive parents and though mine are little, we have contact with birth family, so it won't be "seeking out" just "continuing".
But I'd say this attitude on the part of adoptive parents shows they don't understand adoption or their children.
It's not either/or. Adoptees have two families and it's natural to want to know both.
Again, I've seen this in mums who don't see why their children should want to/get to know relatives on the child's dad's side, too.

(I do think this is part of the approval process that needs beefing up, too)

It's not either/or. Adoptees have two families and it's natural to want to know both.

And this is why it's not helpful to position adoption as a simple solution for infertility

Because it's a different experience to parenting a birth child and so the 'why don't you just adopt' comments to infertile couples suggest that it's exactly that, an either/or. It's not a consolation prize for not being able to have a birth child. Adoption is about finding adoptive parents for children, not simply a child for infertile couples.

it must be hurtful when you bring up an adopted child and treat them as your own then they go and seek out their birth parents and they get a connection with them?

I agree with drspouse that it is a tragedy if adoptive parents have this response to an adopted child seeking their birth parents. That an adoptee seeks a biological parent/s shouldn't mean that they are invalidating anything that their adopted parents have done or that they don't think they are not parents etc. It can be the desperate longing to connect in someway with people they are related to, to understand their heritage, what happened, why they were adopted and many, many more reasons. It is not a rejection or the notion that 'blood is thicker than water' of the adoptive parents.

I think pretty much everything has been covered in this thread op.

I adopted and I always try to lend my voice to threads where lots of negatives come up, to try to balance it out.

I know three other families who have adopted, as well as myself. Nobody has violent children. We have a mix of abilities, some of our children have specific problems but nothing that cannot be dealt with. There is a lot of love and, actually, my time is spent trying to find my daughters shoes rather than reading about attachment disorder.

The conditions and difficulties are very very real. However it is not a certainty. I don’t know what the future holds and I’m certain the teenage years will be bloody hard. But she is totally mine, I would die for her.

The horror stories around adoption are many. However what I have learnt is that those of us who have a “normal” life don’t tend to write about it on the boards and this gives an unbalanced view.

it must be hurtful when you bring up an adopted child and treat them as your own then they go and seek out their birth parents and they get a connection with them?

I'm adopted too from the period where closed adoptions were customary.

It's extremely hurtful when adopted parents don't put the child's needs first and recognise that everyone has the right to know their personal history.

Lots of adoptive parents did react in just this way.

Modern adoption tries to support children maintaining awareness of their backgrounds and I venture that if a prospective adopter said that in any meetings with SS in this country today they'd be discounted.

But you're correct that the empathy and understanding that is required to parent an adopted child is HUGE and very particular and a lot of people wouldn't cope. Nothing wrong with admitting that.

It's about finding parents for children, not children for us as an infertile couple.

bananafish81 This statement alone tells me a lot about your ability to potentially parent an adopted child. I think you'd be wonderful.

I haven't read the full thread but I know a couple whose adoption, sadly, broke down. They adopted two siblings but unfortunately the local authority hid the extent of the children's physical, emotional and learning needs from them and outright lied to them when they asked if there was any evidence that the children had experienced sexual abuse. Consequently, they were completely unprepared for the very extreme and disturbing behaviours that presented themselves in both children and received next to no support in dealing with this. My friend lost so much weight, half her hair fell out, she became a shadow of her former self. When they eventually made the heartbreaking decision to give the children back I honestly feared she might try to end her life.They received a letter of apology from the agencies responsible about how the case was handled along with assurances that "lessons have been learned" but that was little consolation. Neither of them have ever gotten over it.

I'm sure that their case isn't the norm, far from it, but I do wonder how unusual it is and it frustrates me no end when I hear of infertile couples being asked "why not just adopt?" as though it's the easiest thing in the world.

I have friends who have been through fertility treatment (some with success, some sadly not) and others who have adopted. Before I knew more about these situations, I might have said the same as you, OP. Not any more.

Seriously? It's an extremely hard system. Few very young babies. Most of the children are actually quite damaged, which often isn't visible early on, and parenting them and the additional needs they thus have is extremely draining.

You have to be a very very strong person to be able to do it.

It’s something I’ve always thought that people who already have children and thus experience of parenting would be far better qualified to do.

There’s a lot of misinformation on here about adoption. The UK adoption process was revamped last year and it now takes only 6 months to get approved, this is really not much longer than a full course of IVF from start to finish (I speak from experience having had 3 failed IVF attempts and adopted 2 children). Yes you then need to wait to get matched, we were matched with a ten month old within a month of our approval. Our DS had a sister born one month later and we adopted her too at 5 months old. It is not difficult to adopt babies or young toddlers if that’s what you want, it’s a common misconception. Our children have no health concerns, are developing normally and no emotional issues. They have very secure attachments with us and I would challenge anyone that says ‘it’s not like having your own’. They ARE my children, just because they were born to other people doesn’t make them any less mine. I am the one raising them and loving them. They will grow up knowing they are adopted and have letterbox contact with their birth parents on an annual basis so will know who they are and I will support them if they want to contact them when they are older. It does not mean they will love me or their dad any less. If anyone is considering adopting, don’t be put off by this post. It is just as rewarding as being a biological parent, and nowhere near as emotionally difficult as failed IVF.

No one is this underinformed and unimaginative, surely?

Instead of being rude to the op, why not just give your answer to the question? Or let the other answers do the job.

I personally would have said, yes I'll adopt rather than go through ivf, but dp didn't want to so we didn't. Perhaps I'm underinformed and unimaginative too so please inform me ....

I wouldn't be able to bring up a child who isn't part of me. I look at them all the time and see bits of us.. When I feel myself getting wound up I look at them and get the rush of love because they're mine. I'm not saying everyone feels like this, just my experience. And I wanted to carry my own babies. Plus it sounds hard.

The UK adoption process was revamped last year and it now takes only 6 months to get approved

There is no U.K. wide adoption process, the process in Scotland takes longer than 6 months and in certain circumstances can be quite lengthy. The process in England is targeted to take 6 months but there can be significant delay within the process. Some people move through it quickly and some don’t.

When I feel myself getting wound up I look at them and get the rush of love because they're mine.

I also get a rush of love when I look at mine - not just a rush but that pain in the guts feeling of complete and utter love. They are my children and I am their mother. I adopted them when they were 10 months old.

Everyone is different. I don’t think anyone should have a hard time because they don’t honestly feel adopting would be the same.

Everyone is different. I don’t think anyone should have a hard time because they don’t honestly feel adopting would be the same.

Quite, why should they when that is obviously the way most bio parents feel otherwise they would have adopted themselves.

Because you need lots of space, enough money and to be able to commit to lots of time off work while they settle.

Not to mention the severe neglect and abuse they have suffered.

Angels I did say that it's just my experience, not talking on behalf of anyone else.

If people don't think that adoption is for them for whatever reason, then that's fine. It probably isn't. But there are lots of misconceptions on this thread that some posters are stating as fact, so if someone were to be considering adoption, then please don't let some of these comments put you off from finding out more.

*We adopted two babies - very young.
*No health problems.
*No attachment issues.
*We have no contact with birth parents because (after 9 years) they have never ever responded to us - although we keep writing.
*We see our DC's siblings twice a year and they all love the experience. Honestly it's just like meeting up with extended family.
*We do not have lots of space or a big house. We live in a three bedroom semi with a small lawned garden
*We have a dog. He's quite naughty
*We don't have loads of cash. Even less now we have two kids
*I just took exactly the same amount of maternity leave as a biological mother would. The pay was the same.
*We are not even slightly religious.
*My sister has biological children as does DH's brother. There is no difference in our families at all. They're all cousins/grandchildren whatever

The adoption process is intrusive and difficult and challenging and heartbreaking. It can be lengthy and there are days and hours where you wonder why and how and when. It is like intensive couples therapy and some of the probing is very personal.

But this is all a memory and all part of the process that allowed me to become a parent to my two wonderful wonderful children.

If they ever want to contact their birth parents, then we will support and enable that process - why wouldn't we? That's not a statement on their love for us - that's a question of their identity. We are as secure in their love for us as they are in ours and they are the product of two families. That's fucking awesome actually