To wonder why people don't adopt more?

[TheOtherMother4]

To clarify, I don't have any children of my own and really don't want to offend anyone but I was thinking about the lengths people go to for IVF, especially in countries such as the USA where it can't be covered by a health service and was wondering why people don't adopt more often. I understand that it may not be the same if you were unable to conceive naturally but surely if you wanted a child that badly then you could adopt and drastically help an existing child's life. Just wondering.

Because I wanted my own baby, not someone else’s.

If you adopt a child then they are your child. You don't have to have sex to be a parent, that part basically means nothing.

Expensive? how so ?

Adoption is a hard process with lots of politically correct stuff through the application stages and then somewhat of a lottery of how the child may be in terms of behaviour especially for older children. I have acted as a referee for some close friends and from what I've seen I would struggle with the process myself.

IVF is expensive, emotionally and physically draining. However it doesn't require anything like the deep dive into your life both past and present that adoption does, IVF doesn't come with the level of intrusion and judgment that a social work assessment does. I am a social worker who has had IVF and I wouldn't underestimate what would be adopters are signing up for.

I want a child but you make it sound like ‘oh well you can’t have one so just adopt’ i don’t want to adopt a child I want my own. It’s unlikely to happen!

UK internal adoption doesn't have financial cost though unlike much adoption in the US.

social services try to keep children with parents - single mums keep their dc (good on them for doing so & having choices that their grandmas wouldn't have had. Other young women use birth control or have abortions - its called choice. Very few babies are available for adoption & the dc who are have either/and/or emotional issues and are seriously disturbed/have severe disabilities/ or are much older & these dc need love commitment & experience in these issues & not everybody is suitable or able to do this. It is a normal human desire to have your own child & there is nothing wrong with it, why shouldn't they? - again its called choice

We have adopted a lot of people can’t get through the hoops

Also just look at the step parent threads a lot of people can’t love children that are not biologically theirs

Also many people just don’t have a spar room

Adoption isn’t for everyone. And shouldn’t be. Only people who are 100% sure they can cope with all that comes with being an adoptive parent should chose this path.

For some people the biological link is very important. However when considering the huge failure rate of IVF and the toll it takes on body and emotions, I understand what you are saying. I wouldn't have put myself through that, have always felt that if I or husband had been infertile I'd have thrown myself into career.

A lot of people do adopt though, there are more would be adopters than there are babies and candidates have to jump through hoops to be given a baby. Older children are more difficult to place.

Strange that the adoption procedure is so long drawn out and so rigid, whereas anyone who can, could just have a child no matter what age or financial/housing/emotional circumstances.

Fluffyears

I want a child but you make it sound like ‘oh well you can’t have one so just adopt’ i don’t want to adopt a child I want my own. It’s unlikely to happen!

i so understand but as adopter my children are my own I had fribrods after having a son at 17 that exasperated their growth I found it would be difficult for me to have any more we fostered for a number of years then adopted my girls are mine

Because young single mothers are encouraged to keep their babies these days and (not all cases obvs) we are now getting to the third generation of badly dragged up kids who are bragging about being “full time mummies” while keeping their poor babies in a chaotic and unsuitable home life while there are plenty of people who could adopt a new born vs those few who are emotionally equipped to deal with the trauma of a seven year old brought up in these dire circumstances.

I couldn't even get approved for a PUPPY recently so never in a million years would I be allowed to adopt a baby!

We choose not to put ourselves through IVF dh os a nurse and said not to bother because of the failure rate we would of only got one go

And due to my fribrods I could of mid carryied

It is not true that that in Australian they don't do adoption anymore. It's that the government has made the process so difficult, drawn out and expensive that it's incredibly difficult.

Our government has the position that almost regardless of the circumstances of birth families, they will try and return cildfren to their natural families wherever possible. This can be very traumatic for long term foster families who have tried to adopted the child they have cared for for years to see them returned to their families, who may have superficially cleaned up their acts, only for the child to end up in foster care again - often with different carers.

International adoption has been made equally difficult.
Deborah Lee Furnesss, Hugh Jackmans wife is leading a charge in Australia to change this system. Google her position on adoption in Australia to get some actual information about the problems with adoption in Australia.

The country is so paranoid about what happened during the years of the stolen generation that they have no idea what to do with indigenous children living in horrific conditions as well which complicates foster caring situatuions.

I myself am adopted, and I resent the implication that all adopted children are somehow fucked up with abandonment issues and the other shite about drugs in utero etc you all are mentioning. It is not always the case.

I think that blithely saying that ‘oh, you’re a parent’ misses the point.

The child(ren) you adopt have birth parents.

Could I invest in and love a child knowing that they aren’t really mine? No, I couldn’t sorry. I accept others feel differently. But that’s how I feel.

I am adopted.
I would not adopt. It's an hugely invasive process and requires a level of parenting skill that I don't think I could provide.

OP, can't believe some of the comments you have received here.

My husband and I have adopted two beautiful daughters this year due to infertility issues. I'm not sure it's something we would have considered if we had easily conceived but it has so far worked out really well for us.

Yes there is a process to go through which seems to vary depending on where you are in the UK but it only took us 18 months from initial application to having our daughters move in.

I think there is a huge lack of public knowledge about adoption and fostering with a shortage of families and children who need them which may impact on people's decision making.

Whilst it may not be the easiest road there are also no guarantees any birth child would be perfect!

@idonthaveatattoo so you'd say to an adopted child or adult "oh those aren't your parents"?
My children are not my biological children. I would be daft to think they are.
I am however their legal and practical parent. Certainly, nobody else is, I'm not sure what you think they are to me -pretend children? Not sure they'd be very happy about that.

I tried, I wanted to, I have years of experience as a live-in nanny and proxy parent, tons of relevant special needs experience. I was told if I lived in the area I was, where I had a circle of friends, I'd be ruled out as I had no local family support. But if I moved closer to family I'd have to social circle and thus ruled out. I don't have enough friends to adopt.

A PP who adopted states that no one who knows her would ever adopt. I have friends who adopted a baby, with fetal alcohol syndrome, and over the years have had a lot of the problems the poster mentions. Very little support from public services, or respite.

No, of course I wouldn’t spouse, I’m not so rude. But on a discussion about why people don’t adopt, that is my reason. They would not be mine.

They ARE really yours.
They are not JUST yours but considering how annoying some parents (mums in particular) seem to find the genetic and social input from just their child's parental side, I'm not surprised there are people who are not grown up enough to accept that a child has history and other relatives.

So what relationship do you think a child had to their adopted parents?