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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has disowned me

228 replies

expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 10:24

Hi guys!

First time posting on here but really need some help and advice. I am 34 weeks pregnant with a little boy and excited to get started but also terrified.

Two weeks ago my mother decided that she wanted to be in the room with me for the birth. I hadn't planned on this and had been planning for it just to be me and DH. He feels very uncomfortable around my mother as she has very strong opinions about things and doesn't think he's good enough for me. I hesitated when she began talking about being in the room because I just want to relax, chill out, be with DH and I thought perhaps she could be in the hospital in case I DO need her in there at some point.

However, since I did not immediately whole heartedly agree with the utmost enthusiasm that she would be in the room; she has now decided to cut me, my husband and the new baby out of her life completely. She has cancelled a trip away that we were having, has ignored me for two weeks and says things like 'perhaps your husbands mother can be in the room with you'.

I am devastated as I am very scared about the birth and my options have been 'have me in the room or don't have me in your life at all'.

Can I do this without her? I am so scared. Did any of you have your mothers in the room? Have I really messed up here?

Thank you in advance for your advice

xox

OP posts:
Original poster
expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 14:54

Thank you BkackAmericanoNoSugar

I feel very apprehensive about starting my own family as my own mother has made me feel like being a parent is awful and that I really disappointed her. So.. as a result I am expecting the worst. Even though I try my best to be kind always and I enjoy being kind; things that have been said to me by my mother have stuck

For example 'you just wait until you have kids and then you'll understand' , 'you could have tried harder to be better', 'your brother is kind but all you have done it cause me pain' etc. etc.

By the way, my brother lives at home with her and is happy to let her do everything for him.

OP posts:
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/08/2018 14:58

It's actually a good thing that you are apprehensive because you are thinking about parenting and hoping to be a good one. If you were like your mother you would be assuming that you are perfect in every way and expecting your child to confirm that for you.

Original poster
expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 14:58

Haha very true!!

OP posts:
badtime · 16/08/2018 15:18

expectant, your mother seems to define 'kind' as doing whatever she wants. That's not what it means, and you can judge for yourself what you think is kind behaviour, and she doesn't get to decide. She is basically gaslighting you.

FWIW, my mother used to beat me and tell me that I would understand when I have children. She was as full of shit as your mother is. (Although, of course, I do understand. I understand that she is a very damaged person that couldn't actually give any consideration to anyone but herself.)

Caroelle · 16/08/2018 15:22

OP you have had a very good lesson already in how not to be a parent. My mother is like this, we’ve had no contact foe 16 years. Your body, your child, your decision. This is a very controlling woman, time to draw a line, hard as it may seem when you really need a support. Otherwise you will be back on here within weeks asking if you being AIBU becuase you mother is trying to dictate to you about how you feed the baby, what nappies you use, where the baby will sleep. And it will go on and on. You and the baby are the most important people now, not her. Take care.

AlbusPercival · 16/08/2018 15:25

If you want someone for support as well as your DH I’d highly recommend a doula.

They aren’t as expensive as you think and I’d never have a baby without one

Strawberry2017 · 16/08/2018 15:31

She sounds awful - yes you can do this without her.
What would her next ultimatum be? Let her get away with it once and you are pandering to her forever.
She's evil

Congratulations and good luck. X

Original poster
expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 15:37

I do believe she gaslights people. It's tricky because it's such a hard thing to prove.

But whenever she has lost an argument she will revert to 'you're mental to think that! You need to see someone about the way you think because you're not right in the head'

I would never say this to her. I would never say this to anyone! I would always try to see someones point of view.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 16/08/2018 15:40

“as my own mother has made me feel like being a parent is awful and that I really disappointed her.”

That’s because she is a shit parent. She is a narcissistic bully who throws a toddler tantrum when she doesn’t get her own way. When you have a baby it is all about you, not her.

Hidingtonothing · 16/08/2018 15:45

So she berates you for not being 'kind' but has no problem with cutting you and her DGC out of her life completely because you won't do what she wants? Do you think she is 'kind' OP?

Wonkypalmtree · 16/08/2018 15:52

I don't know anyone that had their DM present, make your plans for you and DH

FingerlingUnderling · 16/08/2018 15:52

It took me 81 hours to have DD. Anyone other than DH would have sacked off hanging round the hospital waiting for her to arrive. Then I had to go into theatre for the last bit and spent a long while in recovery as i had enough anaesthetic to fell a horse and could not feel my arms. Again DH was left (literally) holding the baby and my mum being there would a. not have helped, b, crowded the room and c. she wouldn't have been allowed in theatre or the recovery area. So logistically, it can be very tricky to have lots of people with you. Also, now I am an adult I have no desire to have my mum see me push out a baby, poo myself etc!!

For those reasons, YANBU. Plenty of expectant mothers like having their mums or others around and plenty don't. So many family members seem to think pregnancies are about them. Its your body, your experience and your mum will have to lump it. Let her have her childish sulk and ensure you tell your midwife you do not want your mum in the room with you just in case she pitches up when you are in labour!

Confusedbeetle · 16/08/2018 15:53

She has no right to be in the room unless you felt you had a need for her to be there. End of. A woman has the right to choose who is present at the birth. Why on earth would she want to be there if you hadn't asked for her? This is about you, not her. There is a new fashion going on as grandmothers feeling entitled. It is a bit shocking. All my children would be appalled at the thought

SometimesMaybe · 16/08/2018 15:58

Do you know what OP, I think you sound lovely. You are clearly a well rounded, thoughtful kind individual. You will be an ace mum and I’m sure you will love it!

Why don’t you make this not only the start of a new life for your child but also for you. Read up on dealing with difficult parents, join the Stately Homes thread and perhaps look into counselling.
It sounds like it’s hard to stand up to your mum but when it really has mattered (your partner, your labour) you can do it. So you have a strong starting point.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Apollo440 · 16/08/2018 16:18

As a bloke I can say that the greatest bonding moment with my wife was being with her for the birth of our children. I thought I loved her with all my heart before the event but I just had to find a higher pedestal afterwards! I also realise there is nothing I can do to repay her (remembering it's my turn to wash up doesn't cut it). It is quite humbling.

A friend who went through a difficult time in his marriage told me what stopped him having an affair was that he couldn't put aside being with her when their child was born. Being there caused his pause for thought, the issues resolved and 10 years later they are the happiest couple you are ever likely to meet.

Don't miss the opportunity of a lifetime.

ciderhouserules · 16/08/2018 16:20

Op - this is clearly no about who is allowed, or expected, or even wanted to be at 'the birth'.

This is about the most important person in the world, to your mother, and this is not you. Or even the baby. It's her!

She may have gone away, for now, but people like here never give up the power they have over you. She will be regrouping (she didn't expect you to disagree with her) and she will be back, stronger and more violent. That's why I said read the Stately Homes thread - she will come back with flying monkeys, or a 'health scare' or some thing - she will be planning some way to get you back kowtowing and putting her first!

You need some strategies. You need support. When the baby is here and you are feeling hormonal, guilty, FOG and the rest of it - you need to recognise what she's up to.

keyboardkate · 16/08/2018 16:33

"Hi mum, sorry you are taking our family decision personally, but it will be me and DH in the delivery room, we both agree that's best for us as a prospective family.
If you decide to change your mind at any point about cutting us off, we will be delighted for you to see the baby and visit us. love ....."

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/08/2018 16:35

I have made huge life decisions based around the sole target of keeping my mother happy. Silly really as that happiness never lasts

That's the thing, isn't it? Give in to one demand/expectation and the next is on its way almost immediately because they've learned you'll play along

Since she won't change willingly that change has to come from you, and her response to it is her own affair ... though I'd caution you to look out for the sudden "illnesses" and other crises such folk often pull out of the hat in an effort to draw you back in

Original poster
expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 16:40

Puzzledandpissedoff - oh she's ALWAYS ill, I have always caused her so much stress that she 'can't cope' with my 'disgusting behaviour'. Or tries to hurt herself.

I'm sounding callous now. I suppose underneath all the sadness there is some residual anger there, as would be expected with a relationship that has been based on one person trying to make another happy for so long.

You're all so right - I need to own my life - tough parts and all!

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 16/08/2018 16:41

Oh, so much good advice here, OP. I do agree that the mums who are uncertain about their abilities as mothers usually have the edge, as they put more effort in.

Personally, I wasn't sure if I would be someone who hit their baby, so I got advice about how not to lose my temper with my baby.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2018 16:53

Aha.... so you are the 'scapegoat' and your DB is the 'golden child'
You are doing the right thing by standing your ground.
I've only read your posts so it may have already been said but do...:

Read up on FOG (fear obligation guilt)
Also read up on narcissists. Your mother is one.
Get THIS BOOK it will help you understand your mum better and teach you how to deal with the madness.

No Contact sounds perfect for now though.
Enjoy the peace.
It won't last long.

Also read up on 'Flying Monkeys' they will be dropping by in their droves soon enough.
Also learn about the technique called 'grey rock'

You are 31, so of course you can do this.
Congrats and good luck.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/08/2018 17:02

she's ALWAYS ill, I have always caused her so much stress that she 'can't cope' with my 'disgusting behaviour'. Or tries to hurt herself

No surprise at all, I'm afraid - but trust me, she won't give up easily and the longer you stick this out the worse the "illnesses" will get until she's finally forced to come to terms with the new reality

And Hellsbells makes some very good points (as ever) about narcissists and their use of flying monkeys ...

mayhew · 16/08/2018 17:15

I'm a midwife
A: only a minority of women have their mother present
B: narcissistic family members (it's all about them) are an utter pain in the arse in delivery rooms
C: if someone in the room is causing a labouring woman stress, it negatively influences her labour. I've known women who can't push their baby out until that person leaves the room.

I think it's a good thing that this episode has given you a moment of clarity so that you can stop her ruining your early motherhood. Imagine the feeding advice!

Original poster
expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 17:28

Thanks mayhew; it's great to hear that from a midwife so that I feel more confident in my decision

OP posts:
InsuranceGirl · 16/08/2018 17:39

expectantmummy87 I’m also going to become a FTM soon and I’m 31 too.

I called my Mum after reading your thread as she was with my older sister when she gave birth (but my older sister was a teenager and single). It made me wonder if she thought the same would happen with me even though I’m older and in a stable relationship.

My Mum’s response was “I’ll be in there if you really want me to but I really think it’s something that should be you and your partner because it’s a really special moment”. She then told me about her giving birth to me and my sisters, and how it was just her and my Dad, but her Mum was out in the waiting room for the first child, the rest she was at home looking after the sibling/s.

It’s your Mum’s loss if she is going to have a strop because you don’t let her be in the room. The one thing my Mum did say (when I then explained this thread) was to make sure on your birthing plan it says who can and cannot be in the room as otherwise people might try and bully their way in, and if your Mum is having a strop she might try to get in.

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