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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has disowned me

228 replies

expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 10:24

Hi guys!

First time posting on here but really need some help and advice. I am 34 weeks pregnant with a little boy and excited to get started but also terrified.

Two weeks ago my mother decided that she wanted to be in the room with me for the birth. I hadn't planned on this and had been planning for it just to be me and DH. He feels very uncomfortable around my mother as she has very strong opinions about things and doesn't think he's good enough for me. I hesitated when she began talking about being in the room because I just want to relax, chill out, be with DH and I thought perhaps she could be in the hospital in case I DO need her in there at some point.

However, since I did not immediately whole heartedly agree with the utmost enthusiasm that she would be in the room; she has now decided to cut me, my husband and the new baby out of her life completely. She has cancelled a trip away that we were having, has ignored me for two weeks and says things like 'perhaps your husbands mother can be in the room with you'.

I am devastated as I am very scared about the birth and my options have been 'have me in the room or don't have me in your life at all'.

Can I do this without her? I am so scared. Did any of you have your mothers in the room? Have I really messed up here?

Thank you in advance for your advice

xox

OP posts:
Original poster
expectantmummy87 · 16/08/2018 13:30

Wishicouldsleep - absolutely. I have made huge life decisions based around the sole target of keeping my mother happy. Silly really as that happiness never lasts.

OP posts:
OVienna · 16/08/2018 13:32

OctaviaOctober Thu 16-Aug-18 13:16:08

Can I do this without her?

For you to even think that suggests your mother has done a number on your self esteem.

This x 1,000,000

Get some support OP.

Bond0O7 · 16/08/2018 13:32

I only had DH in the hospital with me and no visitors it was fantastic and I would do it again too despite the fact our families wanted to be there I just wanted to be comfortable so they understood so YES you can do it without her. Be glad she has shown her true colours before your baby was born rather than on the day!

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 16/08/2018 13:34

just had a thought op ..even if you did decide to have her in the room what use would she really be? The hard work of getting this precious little bundle delivered is still down to you!

SusanneLinder · 16/08/2018 13:34

I was also at my DGS's birth, because I was asked. If she had changed her mind, it would have been fine! I didn't expect or was asked to be at my DGD's birth. Also fine.
DD2 is also pregnant. She has to have an elective C section. Her DH will be with her.
I am quite happy to meet my DGC when DD is ready!
I cannot BELIEVE she cancelled a trip away! And is prepared not to speak to you or meet her grandson! FFS.

Thehop · 16/08/2018 13:37

It’s taken me until baby 4 to stand up to a mother like this. Don’t give in to this ridiculous behaviour.

Heatherjayne1972 · 16/08/2018 13:38

Op. You’re going to be ok
You sound like a strong capable woman.

I bet your mum comes running when your baby has arrived- I’d wait until you’re home and settled before you tell her
You get to call all the shots here it’s your body your baby your rules your choice for the birth and the way you choose to raise your little one
She can like it or lump it

IceCreamFace · 16/08/2018 13:41

God she sounds awful and self obsessed you're much better off without her there! You'll be fine with just DH, you don't need a whole entourage they'll just get in the way of the professionals.

mavismcruet · 16/08/2018 13:42

Can I do this without her?

YES!!! I’d hazard a guess that most women in the UK give birth without their mums there. I did, my sisters did, my friends did. It’s a really normal thing to do. Giving birth isn’t a spectator sport - you should only have the people you need there.

On a slightly side note, I once watched an American tv documentary about women giving birth. They all seemed to have family there, almost having a party around the bed whilst the women were in labour. There was one woman who claimed that she orgasmed instead of having contractions Hmm Her whole extended family was there including her dad videoing her orgasming whilst giving birth Shock

Good luck OP, you can do it!

BlackberryandNettle · 16/08/2018 13:44

Congratulations on your pregnancy! OMG your mother sounds insane and incredibly self-centred. In a way she has done you a favour here - this is your opportunity to seize a bit of control. If she gets back on touch, you need to say that it will be just you and your DH there for the birth but that she'll be the first person you'll call with the news once the baby arrives. Stick to that. Please, whatever you do, do not back down and do not tell her when you go into labour or you'll be dealing with her turning up whilst coping with the labour. Have the baby, then your DH can call her with the news once you've recovered a little.

It sounds like your mother has a pretty strong history of controlling, narcissistic behaviour. She's probably throwing a wobbly now as you are about to create your own nuclear family. There's loads of horror stories of similar parents/in laws on this site! Have a search! Good luck with everything.

calzone · 16/08/2018 13:46

You absolutely can do this.

My mum was there because dh was very ill and didn’t know if would be able to be there. In the end they both attended the birth of ds but I would have been fine without her.

Stillme1 · 16/08/2018 13:52

I can not think why any DM would want to be in the room as her DD is giving birth. I did not want to be in the room but I was in the hospital in case I had to go on. I would have gone in if asked, but I would have only looked at DD's face. I put many nappies on her but now that is a no go area. I don't want to see. I also worried that I might faint or something. That would not have served any good purpose.
At DD birth then H was present but could not see the business end of the event and at one point nearly passed out. The midwives have enough to do.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/08/2018 14:02

I had the tape of my mothers voice constantly playing in my head for most of my life. These days they are silent thanks to some amazing therapy.

As a pre teen my mother discussed her difficult labour and pregnancy in front of me. I was petrified of pregnancy and giving birth as a result. Then she wanted to be there with me. I told her no way. I got an independent midwife though to get me through my terrible fear and by the time we’d worked together I was pretty relaxed about it despite being in a lot of pain through pregnancy, what turned into chronic pain and being on crutches.

I’m so pleased I told her no way. I could just imagine my mothers reaction of disdain just after giving birth when I was so traumatised by the experience that I didn’t want to hold dd for the first half hour/ hour. I’d been ambulanced to hospital after a failed homebirth as foreceps were required then stitches due to an episiotomy / tear. I am disabled now. I was disabled at the time but I didn’t use the terminology at the time.

Well done for standing up for yourself. You’ve started the journey of adulting as in being a proper adult, not beholden to a tyrant and self imposed matriarch. I hope you and your dh are able to keep the United front against her. Along the way I’ve had to be very clear with mine to counter her bullying tactics against my dd. Luckily she is a far better grandparent.

If your mother does come back to you I’d consider allowing her in your child’s life. But on a tight leash. Lots of healthy boundaries. If she can treat your child with love, a child can never have too many people to love them. Perhaps you’d benefit from some therapy as well btw.

BewareOfDragons · 16/08/2018 14:08

Your mother is vile and emotionally abusive.

Enjoy the peace while she sulks on her own.

Don't reach out to her. When she tries to come back and act like she's doing you a favour, decide what you want from the relationship and set firm boundaries and stick to them. Put yourself, your DH and your new baby first. If she doesn't stick to your boundaries, tell her to leave or pack yourself up and leave if you're at hers.

Enjoy your new family on your terms.

sockunicorn · 16/08/2018 14:10

@expectantmummy87 if you give in now it will set a tone and she will make your life hell. this child has 2 parents, not 3. i would step back and not get involved. as others say - she can be involved when she doesnt act like a toddler.

flossingthepussycat · 16/08/2018 14:18

My mum used to be exactly like this OP. She used to block my number all the time, tell me that she didn't't want me in her life at least twice a year, also, that we had nothing in common and that they must have mixed up the babies in the hospital where I was born etc. The trigger was always me not giving her enough attention, not including her in something.

Thankfully she didn't insist on being there during the birth of my children. The thought makes me shudder to my core. But she did ignore me for three months after the birth because i accidentally mislaid the helium balloon she'd brought to the hospital. She said that it was 'symbolic of how little I thought of her.' This was a few hours after I'd given birth. She also created a massive drama during my wedding, walking out sobbing because somebody had spilled something on the floor under her feet, and I didn't see to it promptly enough. I kid you not.

She has changed though recently. My dad died last year and she is now so lonely and needy that she dares not act up, for fear that she will lose us. I will never be able to relax around her, or feel close to her, but I have started feeling sorry for her. I now realise that she would have never cut us out of her life. It was always an empty childish threat.

I agree with the other posters who say that you should probably call her bluff. If you back down, she will continue to throw tantrums. I wish I'd done it much earlier.

Congratulations by the way! You can easily do this with your partner. Please don't let this temporary situation spoil what should be an unforgettable experience xx

Starlight345 · 16/08/2018 14:21

Op . I would say from my birth the most supportive person was my midwife . My now ex was useless. If I had another baby with him I would of done it alone.

You will be absolutely fine . I think in some ways she has done you a huge favour . You will soon learn how capable you are without her.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/08/2018 14:26

Honestly, just enjoy this peace whilst she's off stropping. You need to think about how you want your life to be (not just how you want to give birth). Think about how peaceful and strong you feel without her interference. It may be that maintaining some distance (even if she thinks it's her 'punishing' you) is a good idea.

And no, my mum wasn't in with me when I had my two. By mutual choice.

hoistmeupjudy · 16/08/2018 14:27

What a cow Angry it's incredibly selfish to be acting this way, you and DH should be enjoying this special time, it makes me sad to think you have been upset this way.

You 100% can do this with out her. In fact with form for this type of behaviour I'd be glad she's well out of the way. Be confident that you have done nothing wrong and are not to blame in this situation. No decent parent would behave this way toward their pregnant daughter Thanks

Coyoacan · 16/08/2018 14:28

At the time of the birth, the only people, other than medical staff, who should be there are the ones that the woman birth giving birth wants.

Your mother should be concerned about your wishes at this time and should not be subjecting her pregnant daughter to unnecessary dramas.

I think you should read that book on Toxic Parents and the stately homes thread

BMW6 · 16/08/2018 14:30

Good grief if she is this manipulative and demanding before the birth wtf is she going to be like when you have had the baby??
Is she going to dictate how you should be as a Mother? Is she going to take over, pushing away not just your DH, the Father, but you as well?

You and your DH need to talk about this issue as I can see huge problems ahead. You need to agree an approach to deal with her behaviour and back each other up.

If necessary she needs to be kept at arms length. I doubt she will see the error of her ways, so I'm afraid you will have to make some hard decisions in your future relationship with her.

Idratherhaveacupoftea · 16/08/2018 14:33

No husbands allowed when I gave birth back in the day. I certainly wouldn't have wanted my mother, nor did I want to be at the birth of my grandchildren.

heartsease68 · 16/08/2018 14:45

sad and scary

I know just how you feel, OP. But the feeling that it will be sad and scary without your mum is something you need counselling to address because she is unwittingly using that to control you by withdrawing when you 'need' her. Do get some counselling. Your mum might or might not be there for you in a different way in the future but you need some freedom from this.

Jux · 16/08/2018 14:46

Wow! I'd say "hooray! I don't need to please mum any more, and can think of myself and my family instead of her". Very good.

Of course you can do it without her. You will be fine.

If you can afford it, see a counsellor about it. You need to get that woman out of your head and off your shoulder. You don't need her comments or opinions; you own are perfectly good. Believe in yourself.

Have a happy birth with just dh there; make a lovely family with the 3 of you - and I'm not including your mum in that. Flowers

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/08/2018 14:47

Parents are supposed to give unconditional love, most of us do it automatically. Even when our DC do things that we'd rather they didn't, even when they make poor choices or wear ugly clothes or have friends that we don't like, we still love them. Even when my DS used homophobic language to make himself look cool in his peer group I gave out to him and told him that I still love him but will never tolerate that behaviour and explained why. I didn't sulk or make it all about me and how he was ruining my life.

You will be the same with your baby, you will love him unconditionally and while you are bringing him up to be a responsible, confident and happy adult you will get a deeper understanding of how wrongly your mother has parented you. She loves herself, and any love or approval that she has ever given you has always been conditional on her being happy first. It might seem normal because that's the only childhood you've known, but it's not normal.