To think I should never open my mouth again?

[SophieSellerman]

On the phone to British Gas first thing this morning. Give them bill reference, using the phonetic alphabet because I am very clever. Only I somehow manage to say "Y for Wanky".

Then visit my chiropractor, who has Form where women are concerned. We talk about cars. I tell him I am windswept because I had the convertible roof open.

"You do know it isn't sunny?" says he.

"Yes, but I like to have it off as much as possible," I reply.

I would like to think he hadn't noticed, but his reply suggested that he had.

IABU to think I am a liability and ought to be gagged for the whole of the rest of eternity?

Just marking place.

And pissing self.

I LOVE 'Q for cucumber'.

I was telling a small group of colleagues about a frustrating person I’d dealt with earlier that day....in the first person...

I ended on “why can’t you just do me and I’ll do you”

Cue raised eyebrows, innuendos and me trying to explain that I meant “you do you and I’ll do me”. That’s what I get for trying to sound cool

Year, it was "Don't we all. Shall we get started, then?"

FML.

Mikkle, the cat's cunt was German, too.

These are all brilliant. My wanky pales into insignificance. I am evidently very juvenile, as any mention of balls on this thread just sets me off...

In my job I talk rather a lot about erections - of the building type.

I'm used to saying it so I don't really notice but every so often I see a client stifling a snigger.

Purplesky I meant to admire your crotchless pant photo, too. Ought to be MNHQ uniform.

Working as a hotel receptionist many many moons ago.

Guest has locked herself out of her room. Guests DS has her key card inside the room but he's fallen asleep. Guest asks me if she can have a spare key card. This family had already had the limited amount of key cards given to them and I was all out of spares. She's not at all happy.

"So what am I supposed to bloody do?!" she barks "My son's asleep!"

"Can't you just knock him up?" I suggest

"...your suggestion is to knock-up my son" she muttered incredulously

Foot + mouth + grumpy-arse bitch = a formal complaint to management about my offensive language

I am not British and have difficult in differentiating can't and cunt prounonciation. I usually try to say quickly in middle of the phrase and people don't notice ( I think) But one day, talking to my manager and a colleague and I paused midsentence while excidely explaining something to my manager. I meant to say You can't...
Welll, they couldn't stop laughing for hours...

I try to say can not now

I used to work with a lady who said "T for Tea"

Doesn't sound as funny now but had me in stitches at the time 😂

I remember when hair serum was first invented, I was complaining to a colleague about my frizzy hair. She told me that there was a new product for hair called semen. I couldn't bring myself to say 'I think you mean serum' as then she would have realised what she had said, so I had to pretend I'd never heard of it. We had a long conversation with her urging me to try putting semen on my hair.

Funnily enough I have never tried hair serum. I don't like the idea for some reason.

On a packed train with a grumpy 2 year old, blowing in his face to make him giggle.

'Don't blow me off!!'

He then banged his head on the back of the seat in front (was little and on laps) and proceeded to tell everyone that went past 'I bonk on there!'.

I was crying by this point, my partner had almost wet himself laughing, there were titters going around the whole carriage, apart from 2 very harumphy Glaswegian ladies who were very much unimpressed (not sure whether it was with the lo or us for being almost hysterical tbh)

I used to eat at a buffet restaurant that did lovely waffles that I would eat with whipped cream, chopped maple and brazil nuts, strawberries and chocolate chips - truly the breakfast of champions. One day we ate at a neighbouring establishment that also had a waffle station and I asked the handsome young waiter ‘ Do you have mixed nuts?’ We both burst out laughing and I didn’t hang around for his reply!

Oooh, another. Not me but young DSS a few years ago. Buying him anew bed in Dreams, salesman says to innocent DSS "so what kind of bed would you like?"

"Oh, I dunno really... just one I can really enjoy myself on"

Cue lots of stifled giggles

A friend worked in the Police control room and had to put it over the tannoy that a police car needed to be moved in the car park. All was going well with reading out the number plate using the phonetic alphabet until she got stuck on the letter "T". The only word she could think of was Torremolinos. The whole control room collapsed in hysterics.

DD grew up in the UK and moved to Ireland in her twenties. She once innocently offered her colleague ‘a ride’ meaning a lift in her mini-cab not realising that ‘ride’ in Irish slang means sex. Luckily said colleague was gay so didn't accept her offer and also enlightened her.

My 5yr old DD was in a performance of Tanka Tanka Skunk in her Reception class. Practicing her solo at home she was proudly banging away on her little drum, shouting wanka wanka skunk at the top of her lungs. I was filled with dread about what would actually come out of her mouth on the day, lo and behold, she shouted wanker at everyone then sat down, chest puffed out like a peacock.

Oh OP, you sound like you could be my best mate 😂😂😂😂😂

The Durex paint one made me think of this: m.youtube.com/watch?v=broAEpmxlLs

Our old postcode ended FB. It was forever misheard by call centre peeps and so I was used to using the phonetic alphabet. One day though it just deserted me and I couldn't remember it, so when call centre man said "was that Sierra Papa?", I replied "no, Fat Bastard!"

A friend of mine once ordered ‘Four skins’ for her and her family. Potato skins she meant!! 😂😂😂

It made perfect sense in context, but my supervisor telling me "Never oil the shaft, SirNils, it doesn't need lubrication!"

I count it as one of my greatest achievements ever that I kept a straight face even on seeing the horror spread over his face as he realised what he'd said.

In work, to a male senior executive, regarding a the completion of a new property development
"Once it's opened we should arrange a conjugal visit"
I meant inaugural 😱.

l was in Asda a couple of years ago, and they had a 'ball pool' reduced to £3. l couldn't see anything to go in it, so l went up to the very young lad who was working just along from it, and asked him "if he had the balls to go with it"....
Fortunately, he laughed.

DH is a police officer and once enthusiastically yelled "All received, over!" to a bemused server at a McDonald's drive thru window.