To think I should never open my mouth again?

[SophieSellerman]

On the phone to British Gas first thing this morning. Give them bill reference, using the phonetic alphabet because I am very clever. Only I somehow manage to say "Y for Wanky".

Then visit my chiropractor, who has Form where women are concerned. We talk about cars. I tell him I am windswept because I had the convertible roof open.

"You do know it isn't sunny?" says he.

"Yes, but I like to have it off as much as possible," I reply.

I would like to think he hadn't noticed, but his reply suggested that he had.

IABU to think I am a liability and ought to be gagged for the whole of the rest of eternity?

For a while my post code ended BJ, I’m not saying it’s why I moved but not have to phonetic it out over the phone is a big plus.

We were in a huge shopping centre a few years ago and DH wanted to buy a DVD.

We were a bit lost trying to find the right type of shop when he suddenly shouts out "I need to find a virgin"

Everyone around us gave us a wide berth, but he meant the shop

At school in a drama lesson , a male friend and I were doing a scene where we had to pretend to have a devil and angel on our shoulders saying what we really thought. We were newlyweds planning our honeymoon, he said we should go camping, l said.... 'camping, I don't want to go camping, I want to go somewhere hot, lay on the beach and have waiters come on me!' I meant to say 'wait on me' the lesson stopped for a little while

I bagsy Spotty Cock Pecker as my next username. 😂

Two incidents have come to mind.
Talking to a prudish relative who was thinking of going on holiday, but it was later in the year and might be too cold to use the caravan.
Me - So have you decided if you're caravanning or cottaging?
I hoped they were prudish enough not to realise my faux pas, but they looked over their glasses at me and said "That's quite enough of that, dear."
😖
At university I studied biology. We did a module on viruses and I downloaded some electron microscope pictures of viruses and used them as wallpaper for my computer.
Had a study group in my flat and someone asked if it was a picture of the Ebola virus on my computer.
Me - "Yes. I've got rabies too."
Took a while to live that down.

At work to a customer

“If you hold your flaps open, I’ll slide it in”

We were trying to put something into a fancy plastic folder and she was getting in a mess as the flaps kept pinging closed

We looked at each other and bust out laughing.

When I was a teenager my mother invited a random lady she met at the doctors surgery round for a coffee. She said the lady was a bit batty so I hung around to see for myself.

We were all having a drink when one of our cats jumped onto the lady’s lap and my mum apologised.
“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said “he can probably spell my pussy.”

😂😂😂

Opps, should have mentioned she meant her own cat, she was batty but not that batty!

This whole thread is so funny! Can't stop laughing! Thanks for brightening my afternoon.

Bubbaduck - "woofer poofer" - can't stop laughing.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but still makes me laugh A LOT

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Bn25VyP2p6c

These are brightening up my rainy day!

Love the YouTube link, nosleep. 😂

I am silently laughing my head off as my six year old keeps asking "why are you laughing?TELL ME!!!!"

OP - me too! On phone to a trainer from same company, loudly anounce postcode phonetically in front of open plan office, yep, Y for Wanky!

Office thought it hilarious, think trainer did too & he did make effort to maintain composure and hide the snorting/chuckling!

My ex husband outside up the ladder doing windows while speaking to our very elderly neighbour. I stick my head out and tell the entire driveway ( Neighbours chatting) He 'd better be careful coz I'm about to toss him off. Criiiiiinge!!

Walking with a friend on the beach last week, saw a group of enormous crows and said "blimey, look at the size of them, they're massive", then twigged I was surrounded by topless sunbathers. Spent the next few minutes talking loudly about crows just in case anybody had misunderstood

Brilliant thread 😂😂😂

I used to work in the prison service and one of my colleagues used to get mixed up with his phonetic alphabet and say wanky instead of Yankee over the radio network. Used to crease me up everytime 🤣

OMG Ravenesque. Are you my friend from secondary school? She put up her hand and said that exact same thing in response to that question! It took her weeks days to live it down.

What was the chiropractors answer?

Dsis was called into speak to the teacher at pick up time. When asked what he'd been doing at the weekend with his family my nephew said he'd been playing Nazi.
Yahtzee, he'd been playing Yahtzee 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I was grumbling to MIL about the weather and told her 'I am sick of being so hot in bed. It's unbearable. It's been every night for the last three weeks and I can't cope unless I have the window open and a breeze on me from my fan.'
She made an noise of polite interest.

Sophie sellerman, I committed a massive exchange trip faux pas too. I was staying with a bit of an odd family in Germany ( i was 15) and the father commented on the warm weather. I confidently replied ‘ja, Ich bin heiss’. An awkward silence passed but I knew no better until my exchange partner explained later that the correct expression was ‘Mir ist warm’ (I am warm). Apparently, ich bin heiss means I’m on heat.
It didn’t really matter in the end as they had forgotten all about it by the time they noticed the spaghetti bolognaise I had accidentally trodden into their stair carpet.

We went to look around a cattery run by our plus size friend.

As we are following her down to the pens my husband announces ‘gosh, you really are quite large aren’t you?’

It would be hard to beat the mortification I felt when talking to a very eminent scientist about the artificial organism he was working on. Except I actually asked him about artificial orgasms.

Teaching probability and books always have blue and red balls so I said I was sick of them so have x yellow, y pink and z orange. What is the probability I have a pink ball in my hand? At which point I turned cerise and hid under the table for at least 5 mins. It was my first year in teaching, they were a lovely y7 group and one wrote about it in the card given to me when he left in y13!