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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should never open my mouth again?

307 replies

SophieSellerman · 15/08/2018 18:48

On the phone to British Gas first thing this morning. Give them bill reference, using the phonetic alphabet because I am very clever. Only I somehow manage to say "Y for Wanky".

Then visit my chiropractor, who has Form where women are concerned. We talk about cars. I tell him I am windswept because I had the convertible roof open.

"You do know it isn't sunny?" says he.

"Yes, but I like to have it off as much as possible," I reply.

I would like to think he hadn't noticed, but his reply suggested that he had.

IABU to think I am a liability and ought to be gagged for the whole of the rest of eternity?

OP posts:
Daria32 · 17/08/2018 20:49

I’m a language teacher and one year on the day of the German oral exams, I announced to the staff room that I would be ‘giving orals in my room all day, so the classroom was out of bounds’
I didn’t realise what I’d said until one of my male colleagues put his hand up and said ‘where do we sign up?’!! 😂

Justanotherchange · 17/08/2018 20:51

A colleague of mine once called a customer mr Giles pie for gillespie. Still makes me laugh

Hoppinggreen · 17/08/2018 20:57

At a cafe last week as the waiter poured my drink it frothed over the top of the glass.
“I could have sucked it off for you “ I said as he mopped the table
The teen was dying from a mixture of embarrassment and laughter

Pinklady1982 · 17/08/2018 21:02

@justanotherchange that could have been me as I did that when I first started off in the travel industry at 18, and hadn’t heard of quite a few names including that one. There was another I majorly screwed up on but can’t remember it now. What I do remember though is when I was younger (early teens I think) at Christmas I said can I have some fucks bizz in front of the whole family Grin so embarrassed!!

Original poster
SophieSellerman · 17/08/2018 21:03

Denise Grin Grin Grin.

I love these. Wanka Wanka Skunk is a classic, Laura.

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 17/08/2018 21:08

Try working in an engineering office - we have:

Knob
Nipple
Butt reducing elbows
Teat

Male to Male
Male to Female
Female to Female

and any which combination. :0)

Average age in our office is over 40, but all humour is not lost!

haggis973 · 17/08/2018 21:10

My husband's grandmother once told the priest she was going home to sit on her vibrator. We were laughing so much none of us could explain she meant the new massage cushion for her chair! We whisked her out and didn't go back for a long time Smile

Cismyass · 17/08/2018 21:20

Y for wanky Grin What was the response?

TarquinGyrfalcon · 17/08/2018 21:21

We have a very young attractive PE teacher who covers PPA in school.

For various reasons his normal timetable needed to be changed one week, HT breezed into the staffroom and announced Tarquin, Hot PE Teacher will do you twice this week but you'll have to go without next week - she wasn't amused when my colleague and I laughed.

Haggisfish · 17/08/2018 21:29

Stupendous thread!

DoryNow · 17/08/2018 21:47

Bloody hilarious thread- DDog has been giving me side eye as my laughter has been shaking his head in my lap, he has now flounced to the end of the sofa sighing heavily. Grin

My gran was the star turm of the family.

One Christmas she offered to buy me a new coat as my prezzy,
"y'know one of those stimulated fur jobs"

Simulated fur was all the rage that year a la Bet Lynch.

She once asked the vicar if he'd like to see her Clitoris,
"it's such a lovely colour & really big this year"

Clematis Gran .....Clematis.........

MadeForThis · 17/08/2018 21:47

W is for womble

LazyDoll · 17/08/2018 21:54

cheesymonster I'm allllllll over that one. I I've been known to answer calls with 'Police Emergency' after coming off back to back shifts Grin

Iseveryusernametaken · 17/08/2018 22:05

Topcat2014

M

Iseveryusernametaken · 17/08/2018 22:06

Topcst2014

Musicians are as bad, there is a little of tonguing and fingering involved when you're in an orchestra 😂

Zebedee2 · 17/08/2018 22:19

Many moons ago, first academic job so not that much older than the students, also assistant warden in a hall of residence. In the first few weeks of the year we had many drinks (ie cheap plonk) parties so we could meet our residents. Walking round with a wine box topping up glasses, it was getting to the end of the bag so I announced “I’ll have to take it out and squeeze it!” To which one of my fellow wardens replied “I’ll take it out if you’ll squeeze it....” and of course some of the students were from my dept, so I cringed a lot that term!

Sprockermum · 17/08/2018 22:19

I digress a bit here but years ago was interviewed by a Mike Hunt.

DextroDependant · 17/08/2018 22:29

Being a short arse I couldn't reach a box high on the shelf so called over a tall colleague by saying, Bill can you come here please, I need your length.

Just today we were discussing the new Skype call system, a colleague was having trouble expanding the call window.
She said yes I just had Dominic, he came in small and stayed small.

Moonflower12 · 17/08/2018 22:40

Years ago I worked in the conservatory business. We had erections, bellends and finials but a lady I worked with often mistakenly called them phalluses! As a 19 year old this was hilarious! It still is! It was bad enough with asking a contractor if he had problems with his erection, or his bellend but to mention his phallus too....

Realitea · 17/08/2018 22:57

I recently had a sore throat and popped into the chemist for some medication. The rather attractive male pharmacist asked if i prefer something instant or something to suck on. I answered a little too quickly ‘definitely something to suck on’ Blush

Sparklyhousedust · 17/08/2018 22:58

I love this thread! Wasn’t it George Bush Snr who said ‘we’ve had some sex- er setbacks’ in a very public address?

aNutAboveTheBreast · 17/08/2018 23:19

Me: Have you seen any of my sunglasses?
DH: They're congregating conjugating on the book shelf.
Me: Sounds busy.

DS(6) to DD last week when she kept touching his toy: "If you touch it again I'll fist you."

anxiousanxiousness · 17/08/2018 23:51

Going back to the phonetic alphabet, I once heard a colleague say M for Murder. But obviously the line wasn't clear so he kept shouting "M for Murder. For Murder. Murder!"

CantGetDecentNickname · 18/08/2018 01:41

Fellow student at the end of term, tired after many exams rang his hairdressers and asked for a “cut and blow job”! He hadn’t heard the last of it when he turned up for the appointment!

Graphista · 18/08/2018 03:15

I'm SO making an excuse to use

F for off

The next time I've a call centre person pissing me off! Especially cold callers 😂😂

Topcat - I went to work in an engineering firm, my job involved proof-reading and editing reports among other things, I don't have an engineering background myself though - cue WAY too many dodgy conversations along the lines of me saying - "is that meant to say 'nipple/knob/teat' ?

As a nurse was sometimes asked for advice on issues caused by hypochondria (hysterectomy), consecutive (congestive) heart failure, incompetence (incontinence) - and this was from carers not the patients. We all have brain farts on occasion.

I'm sure I've blurted out such on many occasions.

I was introducing a patient to a good-looking dr once and trying to correct his calling her 'Mrs smith' said "actually she's your mistress" Blush

To which she without missing a beat said "I wish dear" and winked!

I of course meant to say "actually she's a miss"