To think I should never open my mouth again?

[SophieSellerman]

On the phone to British Gas first thing this morning. Give them bill reference, using the phonetic alphabet because I am very clever. Only I somehow manage to say "Y for Wanky".

Then visit my chiropractor, who has Form where women are concerned. We talk about cars. I tell him I am windswept because I had the convertible roof open.

"You do know it isn't sunny?" says he.

"Yes, but I like to have it off as much as possible," I reply.

I would like to think he hadn't noticed, but his reply suggested that he had.

IABU to think I am a liability and ought to be gagged for the whole of the rest of eternity?

My cousin was getting married but unfortunately her father wasn't well enough to give her away in church. At a family meal her father turns to my husband and says "Would you please do me the honour of taking my daughter up the aisle?". He then asks me to make sure that I video it so that he can watch it later.

Dory, your Gran gets the prize for her huge clitoris. 🤣🤣🤣 I have two and they are both still very small.

I also did the cockporn thing only I asked for a large bag of sweet cockporn.

I was once in wilko’s with my mum and I dropped 10p which rolled under the shelves. My mum told me where it went but I just said (very loudly while standing next to 2 workmen) “leave it, I wouldn’t bend over for less than 50p” 😂 the blokes didn’t even try to not laugh x

I text my daughter to say I was going to be late because I was to the hairdressers for a cut and blow Job !!! Bloody phone.

How timely dis thread!

I've been choking on this choice nugget since yesterday evening when I overhead my boss on the phone to (brand new, virtual stranger) client:
' Sounds amazing if that works out, really really hope it all goes well for you, I'll let you get on ...
I'm touching cloth for you.

Phone down, next number dialled, didn't miss a beat - not a clue.

Should I say or should I no?

Loving some of these, my most recent was a conversation with the hospital lab
‘We just wanted to check where you took Mrs ‘x’s’ swab from- so replied with our health centre location...pause...then realised she meant what kind of swab...eh vaginal 😂.
Cue hysteria from all in the room

I panic at the phonetic alphabet. Giving my car registration: "V for...urgh...vendetta?"

Thanks so much! I have cried for the last 20 mins reading these this morning. Just what I neededxxx

this thread is awesome, I'm trying to catch up and blatantly bookmarking to finish later (I have too many examples me of saying daft things to count...)

'Butt reducing elbows'

'I'm touching cloth for you' has made me feel sick with laughing.

Is the phonetic alphabet a real thing? I always just use any word beginning with that letter. Are you supposed to know your phonetic alphabet?

“How many testicles does an octopus have?” Said our teenage question master at the church youth group quiz!
Her face when she realised her mistake was a sight to behold 😱🤦🏼‍♀️
Stifled giggles all round 🤭😂

A colleague of mine once talking to me about her experiences of Mediterranean temper "they'll go up to anyone & shout, fisting in anger." She meant slamming fists on a desk in anger. To this day she doesn't know why we were laughing

These are so funny 😂
Why isn’t there a like button on here?🤔
We need one!

@LuluJakey1

It is real, but civilians don’t have to use it, we can (& do) make up any old nonsense

"Is the phonetic alphabet a real thing? I always just use any word beginning with that letter. Are you supposed to know your phonetic alphabet?"

Yes - it's the NATO phonetic alphabet. Mainly used by military folk. I'm from a military family so had it drummed into me as a child! But also needed it for several jobs (was a trailing military spouse and worked as an attached civilian contractor). There's even specific ways of pronouncing numbers.

Could probably recite it sodding backwards! But it's still funny to hear and read stories of people getting stumped when attempting to use it - or rather the format.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/NATO_phonetic_alphabet

Late DM used to say she'd cracked her nut if she banged her head on something, and it was a phrase I'd grown up with. Unlike my boyfriend who'd never heard it before.

One day he and I were helping dm clear out her under-the-stairs cupboard and he was backing out slowly on his hands and knees when DM, (mindful that she had frequently banged her head on the doorframe) announced:

"Mind your nuts"

Is the phonetic alphabet a real thing? I always just use any word beginning with that letter. Are you supposed to know your phonetic alphabet?

As a former radio operator, I can assure you that it is. You just say the name though, like the old TV programme, Juliet Bravo, rather than J for Juliet, B for Bravo.

And Graphista, I used to make my cadets recite it backwards to make sure they really knew it 😈

I used to work in a call centre & gradually got used to saying foxtrot instead of Freddie & sierra instead of sugar

Considering how few postcode areas there are, relatively, there’s an astonishing number of soundalikes, eg TF/TS, FK/SK, BH/PH. (I made a list once but have forgotten most of them now.)

My own postcode includes AG, which can sound exactly like HE, so if I have to give it on the phone (rare these days) I use alpha golf

Touching cloth! I had no idea. I've googled it now, tho.

Ohhhhh... You are such a wonderful bunch. So I am not the only plonker who should never be let loose in society at large .

I am another one who had to Google "touching cloth". I am glad I don't have a turtle, or I would be completely done for.

TooMany, it took me about 100 years to realise that Juliet Bravo was anything other than a telly programme. I just thought it was her name. [dense]. Then I married XH, who would not have laughed at Y for Wanky. He had been in the Forces and took the phonetic alphabet very seriously (he is in fact the reason I know any of it at all). I do think, though, that it ought to be revised to include Freddie (or Fanny).

Meanwhile, "mind your nuts" is making me laugh too much.

@VelociraptorRex Please share, and make me feel less alone.

• old woman who ordered a "cheesy poonani" (panini) from the deli counter I worked at
• friend's mum asked him and all his mates if they would like some "cockporn" (popcorn)

I am beginning to think that cockporn is the real name for it. And why not? Better than a cat's cunt, any day.

Managed to get through today without incident. I dare say it will not last, though.

Secondary school teacher, and had a boy of about 14 in one of my classes. He was mad about cricket and used to chuck cricket balls about nearly every lesson. The one day he didn't do it I said to him in front of the whole class, I'm glad you haven't got your balls out for once.