To think I should never open my mouth again?

[SophieSellerman]

On the phone to British Gas first thing this morning. Give them bill reference, using the phonetic alphabet because I am very clever. Only I somehow manage to say "Y for Wanky".

Then visit my chiropractor, who has Form where women are concerned. We talk about cars. I tell him I am windswept because I had the convertible roof open.

"You do know it isn't sunny?" says he.

"Yes, but I like to have it off as much as possible," I reply.

I would like to think he hadn't noticed, but his reply suggested that he had.

IABU to think I am a liability and ought to be gagged for the whole of the rest of eternity?

"And Graphista, I used to make my cadets recite it backwards to make sure they really knew it" haha! So cruel love it! It's one of those things that when you're using it daily frequently its second nature, but seems to slip from the memory quite quickly with lack of use.

At one point I could easily have spelled out a fairly long sentence on demand. Have to pause occasionally these days.

There is, or anyway used to be (not sure if it's still around) a fabric shop in east London called Touching Cloth. Made me every time I saw it.

"cheesy poonani"

Nikita, there used to be a deli near us called Farts and Fitbits. Or that's what it looked like with the curly writing outside, anyway.

y for wanky is brilliant, as are nearly all the posts on here
I have been known to say the odd stupid thing. "Do you have time for a quick chat?" came out of my mouth as "do you have time for a quickie?" to my boss. Also had to stop reading a book to my child as "massive tentacles" came out as "massive testicles". Also said at work I was tired after lunch because of a "post coital dip" instead of post prandial. I shouldnt be allowed to speak in public.

I work for an engineering company ordering materials etc for hose fittings, I regularly order nipples and flanges.

I called on of our main suppliers and said "Hi Bob I'm just calling about my 4 inch nipples" . I had to hang up and call back later as I got a fit of the giggles.

Also said b for belly button when I worked in a call centre.

At the local library there was a session for babies and toddlers called bounce and rhyme, my friends and I decided to go and on the first week I said to the lady behind the desk "we are here for bump and grind" it was known as bump and grind from then on within my friendship group and I cringed a little every time 😂

Just had moment today with my DM in the car, I was describing a leg pain I’d got suddenly last week and said “lakey eggs” about three times before I had to ask why she was pissing herself laughing, she asked through suffocating giggles if I meant “achey legs”, when I realised what I’d been repeating I lost it and she had to pull over. we are easily amused by each others silliness though

'Farts and Fitbits'

My DH once loudly ordered a 'chocolate fuckcake' at a family meal out, with about 10 adults and several children present.

My ex-boss did much better though. We once had a boardroom meeting with one of the really big cheeses over from America, where we were discussing some work our department had done on the development of a well known medicine for sexual dysfunction. My very straight-laced, headmistress-like boss enthusiastically chimed in that this work was 'the biggest clinpharm package I've ever seen!' without a hint of irony. You know when you're fighting back the silent tears of laughter so hard it hurts your head and throat? Yeah, that. Had to go straight outside after the meeting and bawl for a good 20 mins. It still reduces me to tears to this day

Chocolate fuckcake had me in tears 😂😂
It also reminded me of DSis trying to order a sticky toffee pudding by asking for “a stiffy .......” then going into a heap of giggles without finishing the sentence because she realised what she’s said. Lol

MIL has done the "Can you smell my pussy?" to our new kittens who were playing with her shoes at the time. I nearly burst.

Best one of my own was after being the designated driver one night out and having caffeinated soft drinks all evening. Cheerfully wrote in the group chat next day "I had so many cocks that I couldn't get to sleep at all, feel a bit sick this morning". Whoops.

xwhoamix Oh God, you've reminded me of another. I took DD (then aged about 8) to a Cathedral service. Sitting next to DD was one of DS's teachers, whom we knew reasonably well, but not well enough.

During the 'silent prayer' bit, DD let out the most gargantuan fart. I think she expected it to be a silent but violent type (which would have been bad enough) - but it was like a sodding trumpet fanfare.

I was stuffing my fist in my mouth as I was trying so hard not to laugh, made all the worse by DD shaking with suppressed laughter at the side of me. But the worst thing of all was DS's teacher who steadfastly pretended that she hadn't heard it. Thinking about her studiedly blank expression even now has me in bits again.

I just had to come inside from the garden as I was laughing and crying so much - “I’m ringing about my 4 inch nipples’ or “mind your nuts’ or “can you smell my pussy” ? Just about did me in and I’ve had to come inside for a bit of kitchen roll.... how can I save this thread forever.- it should be given out on the NHS !

What a brilliant idea, Monkee4.

Genius thread!!

PIL called in tonight after a walk just after we'd finished eating. DH had cooked - just macaroni cheese but he makes a great macaroni cheese- and DS was telling them how much he liked his tea. MIL asked if DH really made it and I said 'Yes, he's a great cock' and didn't even realise I had said it until DH smiled and said and said 'cook love, great cook'. I still didn't catch on and asked 'What did I say'. He just said 'Well not cook.' and it clicked. I was mortified. I haven't heard the end of it from him in the last three hours.

DS(17) noticed I had dropped some chocolate on my top that had melted. I said automatically ‘yes, I tried to suck it off’... he clearly didn’t hear properly so when he said ‘what?!’ I pretended i’d Said something else!

In a rather ‘interesting’ conversation with a much older male colleague about the pear trees in our garden. I said ‘I only have one pear, but it’s a very big pear’ (not helped by the fact I do have rather ample assets). I imediately went scarlet and was hoping he hadn’t picked up on what I had said. Not sure if he did, but another male colleague who happened to be walking past at the time certainly did!

My Parents went camping for their honeymoon and it was very windy. My Dad often likes to tell the tale of when he was blown off on honeymoon. I don’t have the heart to tell him what he is saying.

My DH would be wishing he could say the same, @RoseLillian

I shouldn't be allowed to post, never mind speak. Obviously I meant to put my post from a few min ago in the Christmas bargains thread! Deletion has been requested.

Well I read this thread a while back and I laughed...thanks for the laugh BUT - OMG this morning....I was talking to a family friend on the doorstep and I heard myself say... "Would you like to see my puppies" I have never seen him look so gleeful!!! I quickly said um the er bitch is doing them really well and erm they are 2 weeks old now and their eyes are open, socialization is very good for them.....

@Wornoutboots, I was wondering if there was some kind of double entendre involving zipped coin purses . No need to be deleted, as it gave me a laugh.

Saffy