To think I should never open my mouth again?

[SophieSellerman]

On the phone to British Gas first thing this morning. Give them bill reference, using the phonetic alphabet because I am very clever. Only I somehow manage to say "Y for Wanky".

Then visit my chiropractor, who has Form where women are concerned. We talk about cars. I tell him I am windswept because I had the convertible roof open.

"You do know it isn't sunny?" says he.

"Yes, but I like to have it off as much as possible," I reply.

I would like to think he hadn't noticed, but his reply suggested that he had.

IABU to think I am a liability and ought to be gagged for the whole of the rest of eternity?

i dont know why but im crying laughing 12FreeRangeEggs !!

Wonderful stuff! Please keep going.

She's just had her first blowjob 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

We are going to Spain soon. The resort has a place in it with part of ds name.

He announced to my mum earlier "Tossa is named after me" 😂

I am no longer allowed to speak to bigwigs in my workplace after one unexpectedly was brought into my office to be introduced to my team. Alas I went off on a tangent and the poor man was apparently bemused (my team blame me for his resignation a week later).

Any hint of a new person coming round, my colleagues remind me I’m only allowed to curtsey and say “pleased to meet you”

My DDs teacher was saying she was very anal about getting homework in. DH said that's ok we like anal.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

...no words...too funny

Yep I do this all the time. On the phone to the Insurance company I said V for Vulva.... I don’t think I have ever used that word before.

At a previous job the team use to take the piss out of me as I didn’t swear like they did. I went out for lunch and they were once again taking the piss que me ordering a Cuntyfloss Icecream instead of candyfloss.

Once at a my dh grandad’s funeral before the service I was trying to be helpful so I was cleaning up- I worked in a pub at the time and I went up to the table where my dh,mil and Gmil were sat and asked ‘Are all these glasses dead?... I don’t mean it like that I mean dead,dead!’ Followed by nervous hysterical laughter and I had to leave the room my dh was furious- his Grandad’s death was very sudden and unexpected.

I was In Macdonalds a few weeks with the kids and was feeling flustered trying to remember all the bloody orders and was asked if I wanted medium or large meal
I asked for a Mlarge 😂
Still don’t know what I actually got

I said nazi instead of nasty - my mum is from jersey and my grandma lived through the occupation. This was in front of a class room of parents and a teacher who may well think I am far right. It was because my daughter completes her homework!

I phoned a call centre and came out with h for h...elephant

MIL and I went to get our nails done. FIL came to pick us up, and complimented MIL’s nails: he told the manicurist that perhaps he should “book in for a hand job too”. MIL won’t let him talk in public now. 😂

When I was late teens I was in the supermarket (supporting my dad who was given the New Year shopping to do). Parents always have a party with friends for Hogmanay and a particular family friend always drinks OVD rum for the bells. I shouted down the drinks aisle at my dad 'Remember X wants us to get him some VD for tonight.) My father totally straight faced shouted back, 'No Peppa I don't think he would like some venereal disease tonight. We will get him some rum though!''

I once asked the only other occupant of a steam room if he minded if I took off the towel, as I wanted it to get a bit more steamy - there was a towel draped over the temperature gauge. In addition to the one I was wearing.

Ds was in reception and learning to write. Homework was to write a row of the letter r. Next time we saw the writing book the teacher had written underneath 'nice r's'!

I had some annual leave but I was not going on holiday until later in the evening. For some reason, I was out doing the gardening. I heard the phone ringing and I flew into the house. It was my boss and he said, I hope I have not caught you at an inconvenient moment and I know you are on leave - no, I said, 'I was just trimming my bush!'

Recently, I was 'lunching' with some of my ds's friends mothers. They had just sat some exams and we were moaning about lack of revision and how we had had to help them. I said that I had found a diagram of the male reproductive system on the floor, but ds had assured me it would not be coming up in the exam, so no need to learn it! One of the mothers was nearly crying at this point and I thought it was just because a couple of other boys had also said no need to learn it as they did not want the embarrassment of their mother testing them on it. It was only much later I realised about the 'double entendre'! I have to say, it is most unlike me to miss a 'double entendre'!

'You're accunt' instead of 'you're account'. To an elderly customer. Oh the shame... It went down infamy in the offfice.

My DS (probably 3 at the time) when asked what he'd had for breakfast that morning, announced to the nursery staff on arrival 'Mummy had special juice this morning. I wasn't allowed any'. IT WAS DIET COKE PEOPLE, DIET COKE!!!! The nursery staff tittered nervously, obviously looking for signs of slurring and wobbly footwork. To this day, I'm convinced I'm on a register somewhere.

My DH had to call the plumber out because our "cockstop" had broken. I still laugh out loud when I think about it.

There is a company of female plumbers called Stopcocks. As I am twelve I continue to find this amusing.

This thread is boss!

I am actually cryi g laughing at cum-pie and im a good shag bird!!

A very very sleep deprived and worried DH told the doctor that we had tried everything for poor DS when he was poorly - even infanticide (Infacol).

Family dinner. My husband's grandma fondly recalls playing golf with her late husband. "Although I didn't really play," she mused, " I just trailed after him and held his balls." Then she just carried on eating, oblivious.

We were all PUCE trying not to laugh. I had to leave the room and cried into a tea towel. It still makes us all crack up now, ten years later.

My friend’s DD had an allergic reaction to something so she took her to the GP she told me the doctor had given her a Hysterectomy! I was crying laughing trying to ask is she meant Antihistamine.

I’d moved into a new house and the hole in the partition in between the sink and washing machine wasn’t big enough to thread the overflow pipe through.

I had a relatively new dp whose dad was a builder, so at his suggestion I phoned his dad up to ask him the (often quoted at every opportunity) favour of bringing his drill round to make my hole bigger

His retort when telling the story is ‘I was round there before She put the phone down’ 😂😂😱

Oh, these are just brilliant. I am so glad I am not the only twonk on here.