To think I should never open my mouth again?

[SophieSellerman]

On the phone to British Gas first thing this morning. Give them bill reference, using the phonetic alphabet because I am very clever. Only I somehow manage to say "Y for Wanky".

Then visit my chiropractor, who has Form where women are concerned. We talk about cars. I tell him I am windswept because I had the convertible roof open.

"You do know it isn't sunny?" says he.

"Yes, but I like to have it off as much as possible," I reply.

I would like to think he hadn't noticed, but his reply suggested that he had.

IABU to think I am a liability and ought to be gagged for the whole of the rest of eternity?

However. It has reminded me of the awful moment when I was an exchange student in a foreign country. The word for 'paws' is strikingly similar to the word for 'cunt'. So, yes, I did merrily chat away about stroking the cat's cunt. I wish to this day that I had been left in blissful ignorance.

Toxic 🤣🤣⛳️🏌️‍♀️

ladydick
Loving your new username! So that would be P for Penis, right?

My radio dispatch outbursts were so frequent it was embarrassing. We talked so much and for such long stints I'd get tongue tied. The traffic officers were in pieces when they vehicle checked an index for a BMW X5 and I reported it back as a BMW Land Rover (wtaf) . Occasionally I'd get massive mind blanks for the phonetic alphabet which was somewhat tricky being our mainstay of radio talk.

when i used to teach maths I got my words confused when saying the plural of compass. yes i know it's COMPASSES so whyyyyy did I say COMPI. Like, "I need your cum-pie now!"
Year 10 too.

I’m a member of a hobby related club and was organising a competition for them. I needed someone to keep the scores and a fellow member said “oh, Bill is very good at that sort of thing”. So I marched up to Bill, who was chatting to a group of other members, and said loudly “Hi Bill, I hear you want to score with me next week”.....

I’m sure I’ll live it down eventually ......

A workman came to investigate damp in my flat.
He said he had a machine that measured damp in his van, and went to get it.
He returned with a gadget not much bigger than a pack of cigarettes and I said, "Oh, is that it? Somehow I thought it would be bigger."
He told me lots of women tell him that.

One of my gems was 'L for Leather'

I once asked for cockporn instead of popcorn!

Proper lulz.

Nah, never mind. I once told my friends (sixth form) that I didn’t like our geography teacher because he gave people hard testes.
Tests, ffs, he gave people hard and difficult tests. Grrr.

This was a colleague of mine, we're nurses. She has a tendency to make rhyming phrases and unfortunately asked a male patient if he needed a blanky wanky😂
Luckily he and everyone else found it very amusing

So, yes, I did merrily chat away about stroking the cat's cunt.

I'm WEEPING!

My brother was helping Spanish police with their enquiries (we found a major drugs haul washed in on the tide, a whole other story)...liaising on the phone he had to resort to the phonetic alphabet to be understood...

So, he “invented” his own Spanish version of the phonetic alphabet:
C for Chorizo
P for Paella
V for vino
...and on it went...while I was trying to contain myself quietly in the background

My friend's mum was watching cricket and saw the bowlers carrying out their pre-bowl polishing routine. She said:

'It's no wonder their trousers are so dirty, rubbing their balls like that all the time'.

Also, I’ve posted about this before, but, years ago, when I was a new manager to a department of lovely people in our Manila, Philippines, office I made a teensy cock up.
Wanting to be cool and ya know, down with the kids, I checked out the Tagalog for a cool, friendly greeting to head my first email to them all. Only I accidentally got something lost in translation. Instead of the colloquial equivalent of ‘Hi Guys....’ apparently I started it ‘Hi, Whores!’. They were so polite none of them wanted to tell me. They thought maybe it was them with the issue and it might be a translation of a new cool greeting in Britain that they didn’t know about yet. I only found out months later when one of them plucked up the courage to tell me after a fair few Long Island Ice Teas.......

I have found my people! Snurk! Snigger! I'm not the only one who's asked for stiffy tocky pudding in a restaurant am I???

I cringe even writing this, but...the other month DD (5) had her hair cut and blow dried straight at the hairdressers, for the very first time. We bumped into her school deputy head on the high street afterwards and she commented “oooo, DD looks happy”. “Yes” i replied “she’s just had her first blowjob”.

I used to be a nursery nurse and after getting a new room built onto our building I went to join another staff member and very posh boss to have a look. There were six cuddly bird toys in there and I remarked ‘oh we have six blue tits in here now!’ , without missing a beat very posh boss returns ‘well we haven’t got the radiators working yet’

Also, in my current job, I asked another staff member if he could ‘do me on the till at 3’ makes it worse that I thoroughly hate the bastard who’s in trouble for making sexual remarks at me...

at all these.
And they've made me remember when DH and I met up with my parents for a walk when we were holidaying in the same area. We were walking down an estuary and my parents being keen bird spotters were pointing out different bird life. They pointed to a large black bird and identified it as a Shag. It is still inexplicable to this day as to WHY I decided to do this but I promptly raised my arms as wings to imitate the bird stating 'look I'm a good Shag'. DH was absolutely p*ssing himself and didn't know where to look. My (very) prudish parents tried to ignore me and I wanted the ground to swallow me up

LazyDoll!
That made me lol

These are making me laugh so much, after a shitty day. Thank you, all.
The cat's cunt episode was 30 years ago. I am still cringing.

having a good chuckle at these, especially freerangeeggs blowjob

Someone I know is always coming out with a corker. Once said, I don’t mind people being gay, but some bend over backwards to ram it down your throat...!
(Completely unhomophobic)

A customer service adviser was giving me a reference number to take down when she said C for Quebec.

I turned round and was talking to my co technician one day about how I couldn’t wait to take my bra off when I got home. Our head of department walked in and flustered he tried to joke ‘not at work I hope’

So I just opened my mouth and replied ‘I don’t know you well enough yet’

I had been there four months.