To think I should never open my mouth again?

[SophieSellerman]

On the phone to British Gas first thing this morning. Give them bill reference, using the phonetic alphabet because I am very clever. Only I somehow manage to say "Y for Wanky".

Then visit my chiropractor, who has Form where women are concerned. We talk about cars. I tell him I am windswept because I had the convertible roof open.

"You do know it isn't sunny?" says he.

"Yes, but I like to have it off as much as possible," I reply.

I would like to think he hadn't noticed, but his reply suggested that he had.

IABU to think I am a liability and ought to be gagged for the whole of the rest of eternity?

My MIL was talking about some gardens she'd visited that had 'a fascinating display of gonorrhoea'...turns out she meant gunnera (a type of giant rhubarb).

This thread is amazing.
We used to have an old elderly maiden aunt who my mum would visit every week. She was an old school primary school teacher of the pre war variety, children should be seen and not heard and that sort of stuff. Anyway we were on one of our excruciating forced visits, where me and my sister would have to sit side by side, totally silent until asked a direct question, nursing our boxes of Um Bongo and having our allotted slightly suspicious looking biscuits, when my mum asked her if the doctor had been to see her. "Well!", says she in an impeccable posh Edinburgh accent, "he gave me a good poke!". Do you know how hard it is to stay silent when your 83 year old maiden aunt has just implied that her young, 20 something year old doctor has given her a swift one of the wrist? I do.

This aunt would sit with her back to the window, and we would be facing it. She lived in pretty posh bit of edinburgh, but also one with a fair few student lets, one of which was the block of flats directly across the road. Importantly, me, my mum and my sister could see into the windows of these flats, but she couldn't. Again, on an excruciatingly dull visit, I caught rhythmic movement out of the corner of my eye across the street. Do you know how hard it is to keep a straight face while nodding to polite chat about Mrs Miggins from next door, while the Mad Shaggers across the street are vigorously and what can only be termed enthusiastically bonking away against the window?

the British Gas conversation went a bit wrong at that point, because I became all flustered by the Wanky thing and then couldn't read straight. We had to start again. I didn't use the phonetic alphabet the second time round. That's even funnier

Much to my eternal shame the first time I asked for Ben and Jerry's phish food ice cream at rhe cinema, I asked for pish food. Which the Scots will understand is colloquial for piss.

As soon as it was out my mouth I though "fuck me" . The girl just looked at me, and I just looked blank faced back, having decided to brazen it out,

I'm still embarrassed by it, 🤣

This was a near miss for me...

My OH now vapes and has a larger one with a tank sort of thing instead of the ones that look like a pen. I had gone out during my lunch at work, and as I was walking back in, a bloke I only really knew to say hello to was vaping. His vape was one of the ones like a pen.

I was »« this close to saying 'oh my husband's got a big one....'

I had started to say it and realised and managed to day something different!

I said orgasm instead of organism during a biology presentation in fifth year at school.

Concentrated so hard on not saying it that of course I said it.

OMG I thought the laughter would never stop. I’d laugh right along if it happened now but at 16 years old I wanted to die.

karldilkington I am crying laughing!

I was in a law lecture many yrs back, 2nd Yr, commercial law, all very serious, small class of intelligent creatures...or so I thought...during a break we all began nattering and a very good friend announced 'ducks are definitely fish! I know this as a fact'...nattering ended and some of us realised pretty quickly that a certain someone was on the wrong course!
Another law lecture...constitutional law, debating suicide act, one guy (dad was a Barrister) informs the class that there is nothing wrong with the law on suicide as it stood, professor asked him to explain how you prosecute someone who's committed suicide...the guy answers 'you put them in the dock of course!'...whole class exclaim 'but their dead!' he just sat there standing by his statement.
Another lecture this time on intestacy & probate...began talking about mortgages and this bright little thing declared that the tutor was wrong with regards to his calculations on the amount received after sale of house....Apparently regardless of debt still owning via the mortgage this super brain thought the whole amount went directly to the recipients...poor tutor looked utterly exasperated and a tad tormented that these were future solicitors.
The Welsh village I come from, well my English husband tried and tried to pronounce it, unfortunately it always came out as 'fuck you'...well at least he tried 😂

I've enjoyed this thread, I made a thread about overhearing my sister in the phone and this has reminded me of it, still has me creasing up when I think of it

She was giving an order number and said S for Sea, had me laughing anyway but when I composed myself and walked back in to the room she had been told the order number was wrong because it was too many digits and he read it back to her including ....S4C... I was properly crying with laughter and I couldn't speak for about half an hour!

Full Story plus some more of these sort of tales here

Will always remember after a really bad winter my mum saying to her friend, “that’s terrible, all those old folk dying of hypochondria”. Of course her friend was hysterical and my mum was raging calling her heartless!

Gotta be my Dh...

He was looking around everywhere for the time teller and the channel changer

Couldn't stop laughing at him

Interviewed a guy today and he turned up soaking wet as had been on a motorbike in the pissing rain.

He apologised about his boots and jeans being very wet. I replied that it was fine, but he was more than welcome to take them off if he wanted!! Took me a good 30 seconds to realise he hadn’t just been talking about his boots and awkwardly went, ‘er...maybe not the jeans though.’

Argh!

Thank you, all, for making me laugh. I don't have that many laughs during the working day, so I appreciate them all the more!

In 1991 on the bus to college ac friend was showing us her new talking watch. "Oh! That's brilliant, that's so good for deaf people!" I said. We'd arrived at college before one of my mates stopped laughing enough to tell me that the deaf couldn't hear it anyway and that is possibly meant blind people. I was utterly mortified!

The phonetic alphabet is a minefield. I once said over the phone N for "bad N word". I'm a person of colour. I don't use the phonetic alphabet anymore.

We had elderly German relatives visit, before they arrived DH was joking "don't mention the war". So making polite conversation, they asked "when was your house built?". DH: "in the inter-War years". And what's this mound or earth? DH: "there used to be an air raid shelter, built to protect against German bombing raids in the war. This area was bombed quite badly during the war" (it wasn't particularly bad here). Turns out that the relatives' city was bombed really badly by us during the war (they were young children at the time), the top floors and roofs were blown of more or less every building in the whole city. DH never normally mentions the war and is not at all patriotic.

This reminds me of when I was an NQT teaching y9 probability. In the question there were some white and black discs in a bag. I asked the question ‘what is the probably I pull a black dick out?’ Obviously, being teenagers, they took it very calmly spent the rest of the lesson laughing at me whilst I went bright red

Serial, I am never using it again, either. Especially after some of the suggestions on this thread (A for Arse, etc). I will stick with F for Freddie, and all the other letters of the alphabet will just have to find their own way in life (esp. those related to our pets and their cunts).

Nomore, I'm afraid you are reminding me of Basil Fawlty!

Espresso, I think you are doing well if it isn't N for Gnome.

Otherwise, I think there definitely needs to be a MN Phonetic Alphabet. C is for Cheeky Fucker, for starters. F is for FML (or "Off", as a PP said ). J is for Gin. Any others?

A couple of years ago whilst teaching I wrote up the page number for the textbook up on the board - p155. However my hand writing is pretty shocking when writing quickly and my 5s sometimes look like an s. It took several minutes of sniggering much to my confusion before one of the nicer kids whispered 'miss, look what you've written on the board'. We all had a good chuckle.

Going, I'm glad you had some nicer kids to point this out. Our repulsive polyester-frock-clad English teacher some 30 yrs ago wrote REPUGNANT on the blackboard (showing my age here), then sat underneath it. Nobody dared laugh (out loud).