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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should never open my mouth again?

307 replies

SophieSellerman · 15/08/2018 18:48

On the phone to British Gas first thing this morning. Give them bill reference, using the phonetic alphabet because I am very clever. Only I somehow manage to say "Y for Wanky".

Then visit my chiropractor, who has Form where women are concerned. We talk about cars. I tell him I am windswept because I had the convertible roof open.

"You do know it isn't sunny?" says he.

"Yes, but I like to have it off as much as possible," I reply.

I would like to think he hadn't noticed, but his reply suggested that he had.

IABU to think I am a liability and ought to be gagged for the whole of the rest of eternity?

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 15/08/2018 20:14

😂😂

We need to come up with a whole phonetic alphabet.

I'm crying at Q for cucumber

youarenotkiddingme · 15/08/2018 20:15

N for (k)nob?
C for semen

cakesandphotos · 15/08/2018 20:16

Once had a customer who said u for Eunice

My grandma spells it Unice. Maybe it was her!

I used to work in a boarding school and my boss told a common room full of heat 10 girls that as we were going to Alton Towers early the next morning she would arouse them all at 7am. She knew as soon as she said it but ploughed on stoically! Grin

KisstheTeapot14 · 15/08/2018 20:17

OP thanks for the giggling fit, I really needed that today.

Our DM - and her mum until she passed away - full of funny sayings, and (an essential skill to pass on, I feel) laugh at themselves with great frequency.

What was your hol like?

'Oooh it was like a damp squid' (squib)

What happened to your finger?

'I cut it chopping veg, just bled like a stick insect' (stuck pig)

ladydickisathingapparently · 15/08/2018 20:18

I once told a colleague not to disturb another colleague as he was in his office “working on his column.”

I also had a slightly embarrassing conversation with an elderly neighbour regarding her “back passage.” Across her garden, you understand.

GrumpyCatIsMySpiritAnimal · 15/08/2018 20:21

I once asked for cockporn instead of popcorn!

lazyarse123 · 15/08/2018 20:21

Not a mistake exactly, but i work in a shop and we have 3 tills and one colleague always says "can i take you on this one", i'm sure he doesn't rea!ise but it cracks me up every time. I daren't mention it.

MartyMcFly1984 · 15/08/2018 20:24

I worked with a bitch/woman who once said the y for wanky line. It was about 2001 and I still laugh out loud when I remember it. It rendered me useless for the rest of the shift, with the manager sending other staff over to see if I was ok when I couldn’t speak on the phone. Possibly the best afternoon of that job by a mile

TheChineseChicken · 15/08/2018 20:25

'Working on his column' just made me snort

LazyDoll · 15/08/2018 20:25

At least you weren't a police radio operator (as I was) calling up officers by call sign Charlie Wanky 132 GrinBlush only went out on the air to the ENTIRE shift ....

toxic44 · 15/08/2018 20:29

In a rush, I ran into the shop at the local golf club (I don't play) and blurted to the man, 'Do you have those little towels you wipe your dirty balls on?'

Gizlotsmum · 15/08/2018 20:30

I came up with u for unicorn.. had the poor woman on the other end of the phone laughing...

LowPainThreshold · 15/08/2018 20:30

Me, my best friend and her mum had dinner last night and were discussing BF's new boyfriend, who, when travelling, puts his toothbrush in a ziplock bag and wont eat anything that's dropped on the floor. Friends mum said 'well obviously he only likes to put VERY hygienic things in his mouth'. The silence that followed was deafening. Then BF caught my eye and we lost our shit laughing which just made it so much worse.

askmenothing · 15/08/2018 20:32

This will totally out me to anyone who knows me but I am a lecturer and was formally disciplining a student who was blind. In frustration I said "you could do this with your eyes closed, if you put the effort in" immediately realised when the support staff taking notes snorted!

Sunnysidegold · 15/08/2018 20:33

Oh we have had the "didn't recognise you with your clothes on" line here too. At swimming pool with kids, one kid recognised another from nursery and we got chatting to his mum who was lovely. Husband doing the drop off the following week "oh morning Jane, didn't recognise you with your clothes on". He doesn't embarrass easily thankfully.

GreatWesternValkyrie · 15/08/2018 20:33

I’m useless with the phonetic alphabet, you’ll get N is for Naughty, D for Dog, G for Giraffe - useless. I’ve also asked the hairdresser to book me in for a blow job. More than once 🤭

Ravenesque · 15/08/2018 20:34

Biology class in first year at secondary school (is that year six in modern speak?). There was a question to which the answer was organism. I put my hand up and shouted "Orgasm!" I was mortified, not just because I'd said it, but because that meant I knew what it was and that at eleven I shouldn't know that. The teacher somehow managed not to lose it, but her face showed she was having trouble holding it in.

In recent years I've said so many things wrong, often rude wrong, that there are too many to mention and I forget lots of them, but I have brain damage now, so I'm a great person to be around when I'm tired, because then hilarity ensues.

Everyoneiswingingit · 15/08/2018 20:36

Filthy minds the lot of ye! Grin

Original poster
SophieSellerman · 15/08/2018 20:36

I should not have returned to this thread, as I have Serious Things to do tonight. But I am laughing too much at cockporn, Grumpy. Keep them coming, folks. I feel like less of a complete w is for wanker now. Grin

OP posts:
OverCapacity · 15/08/2018 20:36

@toxic44 Iove it! Grin how did he respond ?

ladydickisathingapparently · 15/08/2018 20:39

Oh I’ve just remembered the conversation between two elderly ladies who were discussing a young relative who had “come out” just as he started his first posting with the Navy. I do believe one uttered the words “oooh I bet he had a rough passage.....”

LazyDoll · 15/08/2018 20:44

KissTheTeapot I'm giggling a LOT at your families sayings Grin

Original poster
SophieSellerman · 15/08/2018 20:49

Toxic44 and LazyDoll, just stop it. 🤣

OP posts:
SheldonCooper77 · 15/08/2018 20:50

My DH had to call the plumber out because our "cockstop" had broken. I still laugh out loud when I think about it.

Kelsoooo · 15/08/2018 20:50

Ooh I’ve found my people.

Today at work, I popped into somewhere I usually visits in a professional capacity (I’m a rep) for cat food on my way home.

The store manager came over for a quick hello, but first gave me a really weird look.
Him; I thought I recognised you...but wasn’t sure
Me; you’re not used to seeing me with so many clothes on

(Context, usually wear dresses which are above knee length, he only talks to me because of my tattoo, he doesn’t speak to other reps)

A few moments later;

Him; I really can’t be bothered with today, I need to get my body moving, some interest in it (referring to being sat in his office, he wanted to be on his feet)
Me; I’m sure your body has plenty of interest in it

And to cap it off, same conversation

Him; day off tomorrow, going shopping
Me; ohh how lovely, hope you’re spoiling everyone
Him; I always do
Me; god I need someone like you in my life

I sounded like some smutty carry on film.

I wouldn’t mind but normally I’m the professional one. I was tired and frazzled? Does that work as an explanation? Had to contact him when I got home too ..l made sure that was incredibly formal 🤣🤣🤣

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