Row with Mother in law

[Mckenzie123]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

I don't see how you can possibly have the same "rules" for a 12/13 year old and a newborn, they're virtually different generations.

I didn't mean that literally, more in the sense of relationships ie mum and dad make parenting decisions, for ex, and gran supports this but does occasional treats. Otherwise you get a situation where OP parents her new baby and gran has a more traditional role, but gran continues to try and make parenting decisions for the 12 year old. It's divisive. The kids need to see that they are equal. I don't think I'm explaining what I mean clearly but hopefully you see what I mean.

" iron out this inherent belief that he (and mil) have that she is not a 'real' mother and their views outrank hers."
Has this actually been stated or is this just guesswork?

The kids will never see the situation as being equal purely because of the age gap. The younger will only be 5/6 when the older is an adult and possibly even leaving home. I think when the new baby arrives will be the real test of roles.

It seems to me to be clear from the OP - they constantly undermine her and OP says mil behaves as if she knows ds better than she does. That's not normal and I think unlikely for a gran to do with a mum who has been in the child's life since birth. Although I suppose she could be mil from hell and try to take over when the new baby comes - time will tell.
It just seems to me that if you have an adoption situation like this, extrnded family have to respect it and let the parent parent.
OP sounds nice and supportive of ds and dgp relationship. This was just one time too many where she felt as if her parenting choices weren't listened to.

They constantly undermine her but she gets on with her mil 95% of the time. Can't be both. And while I agree that grandparents should be grandparents and parents parent in 99.99% of cases- I do think that in the case of children who have been abandoned by their mother there has to be a more nuanced approach.

And if this is a typical case of what she means by undermining, then absent further information, I think she might be over reacting. She is obviously trying to do her absolute best. But this is a more than usually complex situation, and, even more than usual the child needs to be centred. As I said, I speak as the aunt of 4 children abandoned by their mothers. It is a can of worms, frankly.

You're absolutely right, @BertrandRussell it's a very complex situation. Early loss affects children deeply, and can lead to Attachment Disorder. We're having all sorts of difficulties with DD1 (now 9). Both our DDs were not only removed from their birth parents, but they also lost their foster carers at age 1.

It's the reason why I persevere with my difficult relationship with my DM, because she has been a key person in our DDs' lives.