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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Row with Mother in law

483 replies

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 13:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

OP posts:
RayneDance · 16/08/2018 13:13

Every poster who posts on a thread is invested to some degree.

Thatsfuckingshit · 16/08/2018 13:19

Do you think he would be upset that his dad doesn't side with his mum showing no consistency or boundaries.. Laying the ground for playing adults off one another when he is older? Do you think he finds it odd when granny gets defensive and nasty when op has tried to mention the food?

He is probably wondering why people can't all just get on, why there is so much fuss over fish and chips and why it meant he had to go home. It's fish and chips.

He may even be glad his dad doesn't side with his mum. He may feel his mum is always having a go at granny over small things. You can't know the ins and outs of how he interprets their day to day life, to the smallest detail.

I am don't dislike mils or dials, in general. I try to take each thread as it comes. But Rayne you are saying certain posters are all against Do is, while displaying behaviour That shows you really don't like mils. It's like you can not imagine a situation where it's the OP and not her MIL to blame. Despite the Ops behaviour, which she admits herself was over the top.

Thatsfuckingshit · 16/08/2018 13:20

So initially, you were practically ordering her to cook a meal?!

Can you imagine a MIL being told it was ok to order their dil or son to cook a healthy meal?

Thatsfuckingshit · 16/08/2018 13:21

I think you missed the part in the op where Mil has him regularly and has regularly fed him shit

Are you saying the grandma is his main carer?

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 13:35

Every poster who posts on a thread is invested to some degree

Agree. I constantly get over invested in some threads. Others don't interest me at all even though many have their arse in their hands over them. People can post as often as they wish and it's fine. It's a public forum.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 13:37

She seas him alot to thier work issues.

I think a child diet is a big issue not a small one. For someone who has him regularly it's perfectly normal to want gran to err on side of healthy food.

Granny who sees dc less regularly of course it's not an issue. But this thread has certainly been an eye opener.

Fish n chips is healthy and its OK to eat junk several times a week all day. Confused

Blackteadrinker77 · 16/08/2018 13:37

Someone said that dietitians would be on the OP's side

This dietitian isn't.

Not one of these adults acted in the child's best interest.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 13:38

Says bluntness who has also posted numerous times on this thread Grin

Bluelady · 16/08/2018 13:40

She's agreeing with you, ffs!

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 13:41

At least you have opened up all the adults to judgement not just the op.

How would you move forward then black tea. Especially as another baby is on the way.

Op and her dh are most on the the same page food wise and granny is extreme and deeds regular junk?

bluddyknackered · 16/08/2018 13:43

I actually think your update changes things a little, op. You sound reasonable and kind, and I'm glad your husband has understood a little now. It also sounds like you and your Mil will be fine after a chat when things cool down. Although a massive row about something that seems silly isn't idea, maybe this time something good will come out of it.

And fwiw I think it's horrible that people are making you feel less of a mum for having adopted DS. As far as I can see him not being your biological child has no bearing on this whatsoever.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 13:43

Yes blue Confused I got that whilst defending herself because she has posted numerous times... Although she wasn't actually pulled up on it.

That should say, dh and op are not on the same page food wise.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 13:43

She's agreeing with you, ffs

I know. Not sure I'll be doing that again 🤣

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 13:44

bluddy

One poster has actually insinuated a child psychologist would have issues with op Angry

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 13:44

Yes blue confused I got that whilst defending herself because she has posted numerous times

Jesus, I don't need to defend my self, no one accused me of being over invested, it was you that was accused for Christ sakes.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 13:44

Your sort of defending your own investment though aren't you bluntness?

Bluelady · 16/08/2018 13:46

😂

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 13:49

Ok Rayne, I don't think anyone will jump to defend you again if you just attack them.

I've been round this forum enough for regulars to know that I don't feel the need to defend myself on this sort of crap. I give not a shit,. Never have done. If you had seen my posts you'd know that.

So you're wrong, again" I was simply defending your right to post.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 13:58

I wasn't attacking you at all I took your comment about anyone's right to post very tongue in cheek because of course if anyone wanted too they could also accuse you of being... Over invested.

I don't care how many times a poster posts on a thread at all and I don't care if about being called over invested in this one.

What I don't like to see is the usual suspects, ignoring a very clear op, taking one strand and attacking her.

I think some of the the responses to the op have been foul. Utterly foul.

She came on for advice and the usual suspects have kicked the boot in. Awful.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 13:59

And I don't need anyone jumping to defend me thanks esp when actually they are slyly defending themselves. - posting to kick the boot in - -

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 14:02

Blimey, blue was clearly right,

I'm not going to respond to you further.

MaluCachu · 16/08/2018 14:02

This has just reminded me of the ‘amuse bouche’ chip butty thread..

MyDirtyLittleSecret · 16/08/2018 14:09

I've never asked if a somewhat over-invested poster is the OP, done but, given that RayneDance appears to be rather more over-invested than is the standard for over-investment by certain dog-with-a-bone posters I've come across, I'm very tempted.
Be that as it may, OP, the time to make your stance about junk food and the amount of influence MIL has with your son was about 9 years ago and should have been a consistent message that by now, when the child is 12, would have been firmly received and understood. I get the free childcare thing but honestly, if you were that concerned about your son's diet then surely his welfare should have overridden costs and other arrangements would have been made.

Original poster
Mckenzie123 · 16/08/2018 17:02

@mydirtylittlesecret

RayneDance is not the OP, she is simply seeing my point of view and sticking up for me amongst all the hate I’ve got over this. It’s nice to see that someone has recognised that my intentions were good. Are any of you perfect? Have any of you done things that may have been considered out of order? I’m pretty sure I know the answer...

I’d like to put this to bed now. Thank you to the helpful ones who haven’t gone hell for leather at me and actually given sound and fair advice. To those being intentionally mean - take a look at yourselves before accusing me of being such a bad parent and a terrible person. At least I care about ds because there are a lot of people that don’t give a shit about their step children let alone their own.

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 16/08/2018 19:22

Are any of you perfect? Have any of you done things that may have been considered out of order? I’m pretty sure I know the answer.

Who said they were perfect? Do you think the people who agree with you are perfect?

Non of us are. I am also sure that some people may not be happy with everything I do. However, I haven't lost my shit over fish and chips and alienated my MIL. I don't even like my ex MIL, or my dps step mum. His mother left when he was a baby, so I have never met her.

However, i appreciate that a grandparent, will spoil a child a bit. They will feed them some rubbish. I also would expect to to side with his step mother if I went Batshit crazy with her over something small. Of went round and removed my child from her house.

You get on with MIL 95% of the time but are sick of her over baring behaviour. It doesn't even make sense. You know you were unreasonable. I think you know you are in general.

I mean this next bit kindly, because I genuinely feel that your son is your son. Do you think that somewhere you resent that she has been in his life longer than you. Do you perhaps feel that because you are not his birth mother, you feel you have stamp your authority with MIL more.

Because, let's be honest, there is no way you could have possibly though that going and taking him home was reasonable behaviour.