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AIBU?

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Original poster

Row with Mother in law

483 replies

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 13:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 11:26

*Wow. So it's OK for the son to witness this? His dad telling his mum to shut up, dad running after junk feeding granny who has stormed out confused, But op kicked off?

I think you got that in the wrong order, op kicked off, stating what gran was going to feed thus 12 year old was not acceptable even though dad said it was fine, offered her a food parcel from her fridge to take home to cook, dad told her to eventually shut up, op lost her shit, gran and son left, dad ran after her. Op and dad had big argument, op stormed off to grans to bring son home.

FrayedHem · 16/08/2018 11:28

and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea
That reads to me that MIL was asking her grandson if he wanted fish and chips, not seeking permission from the parents. Which at 12 I think would be quite normal. If MIL had asked him in the car the OP would be none the wiser.

MIL stormed out when her son and DIL started having a row. The OP admits she was telling them to "do what they like". But when they did just that, the OP went round to try and stop the fish and chips and bring her son home.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 11:29

Wow what a horrid comment

Op took this boy on at 19. Her dh was 26. She has brought him up, raised her as her own, adopted him etc. She has tried to raise the eating issues which is her job as a concerned parent who is watching him fed constant junk by gran. She has tried to raise it in a civil manner and granny becomes

Nasty and defensive.

Granny stormed out.

Dh told me to shut up.

But you think the op has issues. Because she wants him to eat well and no one is backing her up.

And you think it's fine for her dh to be so rude, not back her up its fine for granny to shovel junk into him and it's fine for her to totally disregard his mums feelings and choices on his diet and it's fine to disrespect her.

But you feel a child psychologist would have issues with op.

Disgraceful comment but also ignorant.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 11:33

He may also wonder why his gran can't be civil to his mum and answer and be civil with her when all she wants to do is make sure he eats well.

He may wonder why gran didn't talk to her all those previous times when she tried to raise it.

He may wonder why his gran doesn't care about about his diet but his mum does.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 11:34

She said she met the husband at 19, not she was mum at that point.

And quite frankly the op was being rude. Even she admits that she lost it.

And it's illogical to state she's all worried about his diet, when clearly she was all good with a maccy d for brekkie. If the granny was feeding him junk constantly and she knew he was going there for dinner she'd not have been fine with junk for breakfast.

Bluelady · 16/08/2018 11:35

Or he might just wish they'd all just shut the fuck up and leave him in peace, which is where I'd put my money.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 11:36

Or Rayne he may wonder why his mum kicked off to such an extent as he generally eats healthy and his dad was good with it, and he doesn't understand why he had to go home and listen to the two of them abusing each other over a fish supper.

cathf · 16/08/2018 11:37

Or he may wonder why his mum totally overreacted to a test with his gran?
Look, this could go on all day wondering what the poor boy may or may not think.
12-year-old boys are unlikely to make a balanced and thought-out judgment anyway.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 11:37

No bluntness not at all.
The md breakfast shows she is not extreme here. She just wants balance.

She has been ignored for years. She has tried to raise it with someone getting defensive and nasty.

Is dh raising his son with his mum or wife?

What a confusing situation for the boy.

His mums views are supposed to be totally irrelevant just like they have been for all the years she has been ignored.

Bluelady · 16/08/2018 11:42

I don't imagine he's in the least confused, this has been his normal for as long as he can remember.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 11:43

What that gran won't let op be a mother to him?

That gran and dad make the decisions in the thier family?

FrayedHem · 16/08/2018 11:43

But the OP also knows her MIL was unlikely to concede given past behaviour. Playing this out in front of the boy was a dick move. I'm not suggesting MIL is beyond reproach and it's possible she suggested fish and chips to goad the OP. But this wasn't the way to deal with it.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 11:44

Op according to mn you should have never taken on this boy and left your dh and his mum to raise him Hmm

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 11:45

Maybe granny shouldn't have insisted on the fish and chips knowing how strongly his mum feels about healthy eating.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 11:47

So what's op supposed to do.

Stand aside let them feed him all the junk in the the world?

She can't talk to Mil about it and her dh won't back her up.

What avenue left is there.

cathf · 16/08/2018 11:49

There's quite a jump between fish and chips for dinner and all the junk in the world Shock

Bluelady · 16/08/2018 11:50

You tell us, Rayne, since you're so invested in this.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 11:51

Rayne, no one is saying the husband and mother in law have behaved well. What's being said is the op has not expanded on the undermining so we have no idea what that involves, if it is undermining or the op is prone to being a drama queen.

Whichever way though the way to handle it is to talk to her husband and mother in law. In this situation as described she was being unreasonable. No two ways about it.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 11:51

Cathf.

Did you read the op.

Granny feeds him junk and rubbish and sees him lots as we rely on her for work commitments.

This is not one isolated fish tea. Confused

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 11:53

But Rayne if that's the case why was she happy for him to have a junk breakfast knowing he was going to his grans that night.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 11:53

Bluntness I think you missed the part in the op where she says she has tried to raise the eating junk over the years via talking and was met with

Nastiness and defensiveness.

And not backed up by her dh.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 11:54

If she was that worried about his diet and gran only feeds him junk surely she'd have got some healthy food in him earlier, she's clearly stated she was happy for him to have the McDonald's.

Bluelady · 16/08/2018 11:55

We're back to this demand for incessant spousal backing regardless of whether they agree or not.

FrayedHem · 16/08/2018 11:56

The OP also said she wouldn't usually have minded the fish and chips her objection was her OH had got their son a McDonald's breakfast that morning.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 11:56

No I didn't miss that, and it's clear th husband does not agree with her and if it was true she would not have been happy about the junk breakfast. If it's was true she'd have taken issue with that.