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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Row with Mother in law

483 replies

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 13:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/08/2018 09:27

Maybe it's not just relating to food that she undermines the OP. It could be a whole host of other reasons.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/08/2018 09:27

God. It's like my aunt the other day deciding that the DC shouldn't have McDonald's 2 days in a row. As they only have it 6 times a year, I don't think it's going to kill them. Hmm

Likewise, if your DS has a McDonald's breakfast and fish and chips in the same day, it's not going to kill him either, although your DH shouldn't side with his DM against you, and she should respect your parenting wishes.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 09:29

Great duck, sure, Maybe there is a whole host of other reasons but if it's anything like the op then I can see why they don't agree with her. She needs to tell us more for us to be able to decide,

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 09:32

Well it was her dh who fed him macdonalds not op.
Maybe op was trying to point this out? Wouldn't anyone point this out? Maybe some posters wouldn't have noticed?

Op is trying to set a good example to her son and encourage him to eat well. In one day not only has he had junk breakfast but Mil again is feeding him junk.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 09:34

In days of obesity crisis, NHS about to collapse under weight excuse the pun of obesity issues I'm surprised op has so little support.

If op had written

Mil undermines me, she sees gc once a month and always feeds him junk.. Dh says let her I disagree. I would agree once a month won't kill an active healthy fed child.

But granny sees gc far more than that and always feeds him junk. Shouldn't we all be trying to feed are dc well?

BertrandRussell · 16/08/2018 09:36

"Maybe it's not just relating to food that she undermines the OP. It could be a whole host of other reasons."

Yes of course it could. But we can only work with wgt we've been td

Bluelady · 16/08/2018 09:37

Some people would just let it go on the basis that some things are just too trivial to lose your shit over.

WeightorWhite · 16/08/2018 09:37

@RayneDance and knowing that the parents let him have McDonalds breakfast?

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 09:38

Op is trying to set a good example to her son and encourage him to eat well

Sure, and this is a discussion she needs to take with the pair of them if she genuinely has concerns about his diet. It seems not though as she was fine with the McDonald's.

And she may have been trying to set a good example in food, but blowing your top in this context, then going to drag him back was not a good example.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/08/2018 09:41

You can be concerned about your DC's diet and still let them have 1 McDonald's breakfast.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 09:42

What we have been given is that Mil is constantly feeding ds junk. We have been told op has tried to raise this with her over the the years with no success.

It's come to ahead because in one day he had two bad meals in arrow and Mil didn't care.

Poor op is a lone voice trying to instill good eating habits. No one is supporting her.

You can get you bottom dollar a doctor would, a nutritionist and the NHS would.

All it seems to be she has tried to do is be mindful of his daily diet and no one seems to care.

Caring about diet and making sure those we love eat well shows a depth of care.

Her dh should be kissing her feet she cares so much and wants to keep his son healthy and well in the bounds of a diet that does have slack for treats like the md breakfast.

He should be absolutely caring as much as her that his son eats well not running after his mummy in terror...

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 09:47

Bluntness.

. She. Has. Tried. To. Have. This. Conversation.

She got no where. Did you you read the op or just pile in on the the attack?

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/08/2018 09:52

The only thing the OP can do, apart from finding alternative childcare, which presumably will only be after school in September, is make sure she fills him with good stuff at home, and educates him about a balanced diet.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/08/2018 09:53

My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son.

I doubt this is just relating to food.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/08/2018 09:55

I think at the age of 12, it's increasingly more about what he wants for himself.

Thatsfuckingshit · 16/08/2018 10:04

RayneDance and yet the Ok is the one who kicked off.

You version is just as possible as one that says this sort of behaviour is not unusual from OP. She feels that MIL and her should always bow down to her requests.

Bluelady · 16/08/2018 10:11

OP may be greatly caring when it comes to her son's food choices but she doesn't feel much concerned about him being torn in halves while his mother and grandmother fight over his head. Apparently that's of less importance than a chip supper.

cathf · 16/08/2018 10:28

I had this problem with my mum and gran, who picked up my son from school every day and let him help himself to a festival of crap until I picked him up. Broached it over the years, to be overruled after a couple of days.
I let it go, on the basis that they were saving me a fortune in child care, and they just loved him so much. My gran was 90 and it gave her so much pleasure to buy him 'treats', I did not want to take that away from her.
Guess what? He's 25 now and eats no rubbish whatsoever, doesn't drink or smoke and runs 30 miles a week.
Ditch the control OP and pick your battles. Because posts such as these are ALWAYS about control. You don't like it that your MIL thinks she can pull rank because she is a blood relative, so you are constantly trying to pull rank on her.
Another couple of observations/questions on this kind of post. 1. Why do people think that just because they believe they are right, they can act in a completely rude and ridiculous way? And 2, why are husbands and partners not allowed an opinion and have to support their wives/DPs regardless of their behaviour?

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 10:28

The only thing the OP can do, apart from finding alternative childcare, which presumably will only be after school in September

This is in no way shape nor form her sole decision. This is a decision that needs to be made with her husband and also the child. He comes first not the op. She is not in sole charge by virtue of being female.

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 11:14

I have tried to raise it with her and she gets... defensive and nasty about it

I was told to shut up

Mil stormed out.

Wow. So it's OK for the son to witness this? His dad telling his mum to shut up, dad running after junk feeding granny who has stormed out Confused

But op kicked off?

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 11:16

Ops sons diet and eating habits need to be set at a home.

Hopefully he already knows that the days food was not ideal, fine as a one off but not regularly.

He may start to wonder why gran feeds him shit, is rude and dismissive to his mum when all mum wants is to set him on path of healthy eating?

cathf · 16/08/2018 11:18

Or, on the other hand, he might wonder why his mum is constantly picking fights over nothing with his gran

Bluelady · 16/08/2018 11:20

Or he might be pissed off by being treated like a pawn in their power struggle.

BertrandRussell · 16/08/2018 11:20

Someone said that dietitians would be on the OP's side.

Speaking as the aunt of children who were abandoned by their mother, I am not sure a child psychologist would be.

BlueberryPud · 16/08/2018 11:25

The point is the MIL totally disregarded the OP and her request not to feed it him

Presumably because it was a beyond ridiculous request and her son had said it was fine.