Row with Mother in law

[Mckenzie123]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

If this had been an ongoing argument for years and gran only ever fed the boy shite, the op would have been fuming that her husband took him for junk that morning too if she was so worried about his diet, not saying she was fine with it.

She clearly doesn't like her mother in law. Possibly for good reason, who knows,. She says she did it to show strength to her son and that she couldn't be walked over, which makes me think the boy doesn't do what she asks either.

As a pp said, this was not the hill to die on.

Op didn't feed the breakfast to him her dh did doesn't anyone read the op? In whole?

Rayne, we know that. But she specifically states she was fine with it.

The breakfast shows to me op is not extreme in her food views.

In moderation.. Which is perfect.

Ops Mil is not in moderation she is feeding to excess.

Who is raising this boy?

Dh and Mil by the sounds of it.
Boundaries are blurred, there is no clear consensus and Mil will not listen.

Op can try couples counselling they would ask her dh who is wife is, whose opinion he respects because if he doesn't respect ops...if he isn't on board with a huge issue like eating.. Why is he with her in the first place?

Is it that he doesn't respect his wife or he is afraid of his mum? To create firm family boundaries over a healthy eating issue who should he support?

Op can leave them? She's entitled d too, she has no voice in thier set up. She has no voice as his mum.

Or she gives up on her the healthy eating? She won't of course for the baby that's on the the way which means Mil probably won't have alone time with that baby? And because her dh won't back her up... Years of issues and resentment ahead

Nobody is feeding anything to him. He is 12!

feeding / as in buying food, cooking it and serving it...

What I meant by ‘I now know what I have to do’ was simply me showing that I had read and taken on board all of your comments. There was nothing sinister meant by that
Although I totally asked for your opinions I really do find some of them quite overwhelming and harsh. Ask yourself this – if you thought that I was ds’s biological mother, would your opinions change? Because a lot of you seem to be focussing on the fact that I am not blood. I am just as good as blood and none of my husband’s family had any objection to the adoption, including MIL who was supportive and happy for us. Therefore, as far I am concerned I have some rights to say how my legal son is raised.
I also ask you to ask yourself how you would feel if you were continuously undermined and made to look a fool in front of your own children. Would you be ok with this or would you finally say something after keeping it in for so long?
In the first 2 years of ds’s life his mother was around and my husband and her were in a relationship. It was only when they split up and she left that my MIL helped my husband with ds. Yes, MIL does have an extremely close bond with ds mainly because of this but I have NEVER been jealous or tried to come between this. I have always encouraged this kind of relationship especially because of his absent birth mother and because I didn’t have this close relationship with my GP’s which I feel is important. The only issue I have is her lack of respect for my wishes which is what this is all about. It is not about control, it is not about competition and it is not about me having the final say over everyone else. I just wanted to be heard for once.
I am a huge advocate of being a team with my husband when it comes to parenting and what I was explaining was that it is not just this occasion that he did not support me. It is EVERY occasion. He also did shout at me in front of MIL for those who mentioned this.
This issue was not about fish and chips even though that is what it started over. But don’t arguments start somewhere? I was in my own home whilst being told to shut up by my husband in front of MIL all whilst she undermined me and refused to listen and then dramatically stormed out. I did not kick off immediately, but I did when I was spoken to like a piece of shit for the millionth time. Can some of you not understand that after 9 years I finally lost it? I understand that this was probably the wrong time to have lost it but I’m only human and honestly had the right intentions.
The offer that I made for her to take food home with her honestly sounded worse in my original post that how it actually was said. MIL had said that she no food in the house at all so wanted to get fish and chips. That is why I offered as I thought this might make it easier for her rather than having to go to the chip shop. It was also my way of trying to politely say that this would be better for that day in particular without actually saying no and causing problems from the get go - that didn’t work and the rest is history.
The fish and chip supper was not a treat night that had been planned – it was a suggestion made by MIL on the off. I am also absolutely fine with ds having any kind of takeaway - just not 2 in one day!

Whoever is talking about custody, I’m not really sure why? This has nothing to do with custody. And if for some reason this situation did arise, I would never ever stop contact between ds and any of his family. That is just not the type of person that I am.
Ultimately, I know I probably shouldn’t have gone to get him – for those asking, he was in the car away from MIL and I out of earshot so he couldn’t hear our argument and I explained in an age appropriate manner about why I had picked him up. He was fine, we are fine. The reason I had at the time for going to pick him up was to stand up for myself once and for all. I am always getting upset about these situations and never doing anything about it, making my husband think I am probably just full of shit. It was my way of finally saying ‘I’ve had enough’. It was probably a bit too much and I should have left him with her but I felt I had to make myself finally heard. I will apologise to her for that part for sure.
My husband and I have worked things out now, and he now understands where I was coming from and why I did what I did (I think!)
I will be speaking to MIL in the next few days to sort this entire thing out. We do actually have a good relationship 95% of the time, I think I just need to not keep things bottled up and just be a bit more honest from now on rather than pretending like everything is fine when it’s not.

So what do you suggest op does br? Because her Mil won't listen talking or suggestions because op has tried that over the the years.. You seem think it's fine for gran to feed junk on a regular basis, fine for her dh to run after his mum and be rude to his wife.what way forward do you suggest for this family?

Do you think op should just leave? Let them to it?

Or perhaps she should give up on healthy eating and have granny carry on because granny will not listen and doesn't respect op?

Ask yourself this – if you thought that I was ds’s biological mother, would your opinions change?

No. My dss (he is an adult and doesnt call me mum) isn't even blood related to dp. Dp is his step dad. Dss is my partners son. End of.

You are making a fool of yourself. You created this scene in front of your son.

And there is no way your son didn't pick up in the tensions, or connect the tension with why you went to get him. He is 12. Not a baby he may not let on he knows somethings going on, but he does.

It's ridiculous. He wasn't in immediate danger and you took him AFTER he had eaten the fish and chips anyway.

What was the point?

Bless you op, your heart is oh the right place.

Unfortunately your thread has attracted some of the usual anti dil posters. There have been some horrendous comments directed at you but I want to reassure you op they do it to most dils no matter what the circs are so please don't take them to heart.

But going forward your dh needs to be on side. Do suggest couples counselling it will help him understand his obligations to you, his mum and his dc. Good luck op.

It's irrelevant to me if hes adopted or not, as said earlier, I don't even know why you mentioned it, it is not relevant to the story in any way. Why did you mention it?

Sure we all blow up if we keep things bottled up, and that can be over something stupid. But clearly dragging him home from his sleepover was way beyond the initial argument.

RayneDance He is 12. In the next few years the OP will have very little control over what he eats. She needs to continue to teach healthy eating. If he is with his gran and do3snt want fish and chips, he will tell her. If he doesn't want MacDonald with his dad, he will say.

Or he may just go through a few years of eating crap. Quite a lot of teenagers do. But the OP is going to have less and less control over his eating as he gets older. She going to go round to his friends houses and remove him when his is 13? 15? 16?

That update makes complete sense, OP. I'm glad you and your husband have come to agreement about the way forward. If you get on with your MiL 95% of the time that should be fine too. I do think, though, that maybe the time's coming to give your 12 year old a bit more autonomy, it must be excruciating at that age to have three adults going to war over what you're going to eat.

How can op be consistent and teach healthy eating when her dh and his mum are not on the same page.

Of course teens will eat crap and buy it themselves but it's better if they come from a background of healthy eating.

Op is trying to say its too much in one day, granny is saying no its fine.

What's the boy supposed to think?

I don't really understand either if you've a good relationship with your mother in law 95 percent of the time and disagreements are few and far between as you state, who spoke to you like shit for the millionth time? Is it your husband? I guess it needs to Be?

I'm glad you've managed to have a good discussion with your DH and I hope you're able to do the same with your MIL.

How can op be consistent and teach healthy eating when her dh and his mum are not on the same page.

One day of 2 crap meals does not destroy healthy eating. It's ONE dat.

I don't get on with my ex MIL. If this had happened I would have just said to my teenager 'oh fish and chips, enjoy. Back to eating a more healthy tomorrow' and just said to ex MIL 'oh we had MacDonalds this morning, one day won't hurt'

My MIL is rude and do3snt give a shit about me. But she loves my children and, yes, she spoils them. But the kids spend most of their time with me so it's not hard to eat healthy then with an occassionaly treat.

Her dh may support ops healthy eating stance in general. That doesn't mean he has to support Batshit crazy behaviour over it. If my DP went and tried to get my son off my mum over fish and chips, I wouldn't support him either.

Well, if his mother comes raging over to his grandmother's house to bring him home to stop him eating fish and chips that his dad has said was OK he is probably going to be a bit upset, I would imagine......

Do you think he would be upset that his dad doesn't side with his mum showing no consistency or boundaries.. Laying the ground for playing adults off one another when he is older? Do you think he finds it odd when granny gets defensive and nasty when op has tried to mention the food?

Or granny storming out with him.

Bertrand are you really so entrenched with your hatred of dils in general who dare to challenge thier mils that you can't see everyone had a part to play here?

Do you think any event happens in isolation?

Do you think op should give up over the food? Did you even read the the op?

It's fine to ignore her? Fine to give regular crap? Etc etc?

That's fucking shit.

I think you missed the part in the op where Mil has him regularly and has regularly fed him shit.

I think sometimes you have to let things go. It’s not ideal food but it’s not terrible either and in this instance it was you undermining your MIL rather than her undermining you. She had something she thought was nice planned and it wasn’t good enough for you. I’d just be grateful for the childcare support you get and the good relationship they have even if he does get spoilt occasionally. Better than being neglected.

Do you not think you might be a tad over invested in this, Rayne?

So initially, you were practically ordering her to cook a meal?!

She'd probably been looking forward to the chippie all day...!

I'd've told you to take a running jump

OP I think you do need to look at how fine he is seeing the 3 people he loves shouting and being dramatic with each other over fish and chips.

Did anyone at any point actually ask him what HE wanted because at 12 he needs to start having an opinion