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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Row with Mother in law

483 replies

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 13:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 16/08/2018 19:45

I’ve done loads of things I regret and which were out of order. I’ve never got in my car and scorched off to make my 12 year old child come home to preserve him from a fish supper.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 19:51

At least I care about ds because there are a lot of people that don’t give a shit about their step children let alone their own

Ok playing the martyr there a bit. And not in a very pleasant way. This child is your son. None of us get a medal for loving our children,

We've all lost it over random petty shit. It doesn't change the fact you were unreasonable becayse others have also been unreasonable at times. You asked the question if you were unreasonable, you got told you were by most posters, some also tried to say there may have been mitigating circumstances, but now getting angry again but this time with posters in mumsnet for saying you behaved badly isn't reallyrhe answer.

No one is giving you "hate" that's also ott. It's simoly you asked and you were answered. Take it on the chin, if I posted some of the random unreasonable shit I did on here, I'd expect to be told the truth. Fortunately I tend to know I'm being unreasonable though and don't need to ask opinion,,,🤣

Cheer up, it was just some fish and chips.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 16/08/2018 20:09

Op and her dh are most on the the same page food wise and granny is extreme and deeds regular junk?

I don’t think OP and DH are though. DH got him a McDonald’s breakfast and said it was ok for him to have fish and chips supper

tillytrotter1 · 16/08/2018 20:34

I have to say - if I say no junk food, I expect my instructions to be followed.

If, as in this case, there's a father involved, isn't he allowed an opinion then? Women need to stop being so jealously possessive of their child, she is only 50% entitled to an opinion.

LemonysSnicket · 16/08/2018 20:34

Yes you are. You overreacted . I think it's because you're insecure about your place as mother, but I could be dishing out armchair psychology. You're going to cause lots of issues with DS when he's a teen if you're like this..

Commonpeoplelikeme · 16/08/2018 20:37

Those that are suggesting fish and chips isn’t junk food probably give their kids a glass of orange juice made from concentrate as part of their 1 of their 5 a day Hmm.

Anyway, you tried way too hard to get your point across on a very trivial matter. That was your biggest mistake. He’s 12 not 2. It was a one off and there’ll probably be more. It probably was a build up but I’d be more inclined to put my foot down on matters with your new born. Talk rationally with your husband about this. Hopefully your MIL won’t end up being one of those that resent you for breastfeeding because it’s a deliberate tactic to ensure she can’t have a bond with it by feeding it with a bottle!

And maybe stop referring him as ‘my son’ and a bit more of ‘our son’. It’s sounds very possessive. However, good on you for being such a loving caring mum from when he was 3. Wish you the best.

Bluntness100 · 16/08/2018 20:45

To be fair it's subjective if it's junk food or not. It's simoly the fact it's deep fried that's rhe problem, not the core foods here. Fish is very good for you.

So it's fatty yes, salt content depends on what's asked for, but for an adult or child in the healthy weight range it's fine as an occasional treat.

Yes this kid didn't have a healthy food day, but if the parents ensure he eats healthily most of the time, a day of fish and chips and a McDonald's breakfast isn't ideal but it's not the end of the world either.

To be honest I'd have the bigger issue with the McDonald's breakfast. That really is junk.

MeyMary · 16/08/2018 20:57

If, as in this case, there's a father involved, isn't he allowed an opinion then? Women need to stop being so jealously possessive of their child, she is only 50% entitled to an opinion.

Yes, 50 / 50. Which would obviously mean that his opinion won't trump hers either...

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 16/08/2018 20:59

OP 2 takeaways in 1 day won't do him any harm, only if he eats like this every day of the week. As I said in a previous post, just make sure he has much healthier food when he's at home, or find alternative childcare.

Stormi12 · 17/08/2018 01:25

OP your mil is asserting her dominance; she is wants to assert herself as the main female
Influence in your sons life. Mine tries - but it shot down every time because she is manipulative and uses tears to get her way

You have a baby on the way. Start distancing yourself now before she starts to create a grandma experience in her mind.

She wants to defy you? Show her how
Much of a bitch you can be when it comes to limiting her access to your baby.

Thatsfuckingshit · 17/08/2018 04:27

Yes, 50 / 50. Which would obviously mean that his opinion won't trump hers either.

Except the MIL, whose house the child was going to be at, whose house the food was being cooked at....also agreed with the dh.

The op has not right to dictate everything.

Stormi12 you need help. Have you missed the part where the Op gets on with her MIL 95% of the time. Where her and her dh rely, heavily in her for childcare.

You are starting to sound unhinged. You will be a MIL someday and I hope you don't get treated how you treat your mil.

Quartz2208 · 17/08/2018 07:35

The problem is here we are talking about a 12 year old boy not a toddler. One who we assume is at secondary school and making choices about food all the time (and probably some poor ones as well)

Whenever my 9 year old stays at my parents she is very much involved in the discussion of what to eat. Surely he has as much right as anyone else

RayneDance · 17/08/2018 08:28

Bertrand if you think op going round to get her son is a big deal your very lucky and have lived a very very sheltered narrow life.

MeyMary · 17/08/2018 08:34

Except the MIL, whose house the child was going to be at, whose house the food was being cooked at....also agreed with the dh.

The grandmother's opinion doesn't really matter imo.

She has the right to disagree but she really shouldn't go against a parent's explicit wishes.

I wonder whether the grandmother would have done the same if the roles betweem the mother and father had been reversed? Whether she would have gone against her son's wishes?

The op has no right to dictate everything.

The OP has equal rights. Not to dictate everything but her voice matters just as much as the father's.

eco1636 · 17/08/2018 08:36

Is your son struggling with weight issues at the moment, op?

If so, I would probably have got mad too, but also with dh about the maccy d.

Bluntness100 · 17/08/2018 08:40

Well of course rhe op going to get the lad from his sleep over is a big deal. Ok. Not the world is ending kind of big deal, but it's certainly over the top.

Lollypop701 · 17/08/2018 08:44

Op, good luck and hope your voice is heard a little more.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/08/2018 09:05

She wants to defy you? Show her how
Much of a bitch you can be when it comes to limiting her access to your baby.

Stormi you have such a nasty streak. You actually disturb me.

The OP isn't like you. She wants her relationship to work with her MIL, she also respects that she's the GM to her DC.
Hopefully her situation will get easier once spoken to MIL and they can sort their differences out.
Your MIL has no chance with you as her DIL. Poor cow.

firesong · 17/08/2018 09:09

You were being unreasonable, and so was she. As it goes in these kinds of arguments. I haven't read the full thread, but based on the original post, I would apologise to the MIL and explain that you want to get along... you might have to agree on a plan for food in the future.

Bluntness100 · 17/08/2018 09:26

She wants to defy you? Show her how Much of a bitch you can be when it comes to limiting her access to your baby.

Ah, it's lovely you are thinking of the child and happy families there stormi. Felt myself well up there. 🤣

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/08/2018 09:38

So many people don't seem to understand what adoption means, seemingly including the OP's husband and mil. And if he doesn't 'get' it soon, this family could fracture - there is about to be a new baby and a united, solid family with the same expectations for each child has to apply.
The OP is her son's mother, legally and emotionally, with the same rights and responsibilities that she has for the new baby. If mil and dh continue to treat her as 'less', they will harm the 12 year old in the end.

BertrandRussell · 17/08/2018 10:20

"So many people don't seem to understand what adoption means"

I agree. But so many people also aren't taking into consideration the impact that early abandonment and early attachments have on people. This is not a straightforward case-and the people suggesting that the OP should limit contact between this boy and his grandmother are suggesting something potentially very damaging.

lazyhazysummer · 17/08/2018 11:06

I agree with Bertrand, this boy had a relationship with his grandmother well before the Op came on the scene. She may have her faults (as we all do) but we learn to be tolerant for everyone's sakes, especially the boys. How awful he must have felt having his supper spoilt by two women he loves arguing over him. It wasn't a big deal and it certainly wasn't the time and place to assert authority over the grandmother. For anyone to suggest cutting contact between the two is disgusting imo.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/08/2018 11:08

Agree that it's not straightforward and OP shouldn't cut contact. The best way forward imo is to sit down with her h and discuss the consequences of not being a united unit for their son and iron out this inherent belief that he (and mil) have that she is not a 'real' mother and their views outrank hers. It does a child no good to be pulled in all directions and if the dh and mil have any sense thry should see that it's better for the 2 children to have the same rules and type of relationship with both parents and gps. It's not good if the dad and gran make the boy feel he brlongs less to his mum thsn the new baby does and they are close to doing that.

I don't know what a parent can do apart from reduce the gp as childcare element, if the gp undermines the parent. It might be good to bring everything back to a position where gran is not doing the childcare and can spoil ds as grandparents do, on an occasional basis and not everyday.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/08/2018 11:11

Have to add that the dh agreed to the adoption, it was supported by mil and it's not fair of them to allow the OP to take that on and then not allow her to do it properly.