Row with Mother in law

[Mckenzie123]

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

You know that phrase "pick your battles"? I think you picked the wrong one here.

well, she has known him longer, and is his grandmother.

You sound like you do your best to be a good step mother, but really, she is an important adult in his life too. I would say possibly more important than you.

Having said all that, even if she was not related, and he had been yours since birth, you were massively unreasonable about fish and chips.

a cheap, nutritious, fun meal to share with his gran.

You actually tried to prevent him going with her before dinner, then drove over intending to bring him back? Hugely unreasonable.

For the record, if your DH was out of the picture for some reason, she would be well within her rights to challenge you for custody, so your assumption that your wishes trump hers, and if she contradicts you she is undermining you are way out.

It could be argued that she has the greater authority, and you are undermining her

A bit of an over reaction, fish and chips isn't really junk food, surely? I'd have more of an issue with the Macdonalds.

But it's not really about that. I'd apologise to her and try to have a calm discussion at a suitable time about what's really bothering you.

I think this all boils down to

Boundaries
Respect
Control

These things are present in any MIL and DIL relationship though sometimes the dynamic isn't always right (I can totally relate to that one) there is a huge power struggle going on here and it's causing conflict and resentment, on both sides.

I think you both need to sit down and have a talk.

On this individual occasion I think that, yes, you behaved unreasonably - she wanted to get the fish and chips as a treat, it was one day, I think you should have sucked it up and let it go, however, I can totally relate to you feeling that your wishes aren't being respected and your concern with the consistency and message this sends to your Son. My PILs got my eldest a selection box on his first Christmas, he was 6 months old, and they try to get chocolate into them at every opportunity, even going against my wishes on occasions where I clearly stated he wasn't allowed any. Now they're older, I think they finally get the hint at times, but ultimately, I saw it as them not respecting my wishes, but I think they saw it as me rejecting them doing something that was them trying to express affection, if that makes sense? And also rejecting or disagreeing or judging them and their parenting. Anyhoo, although we didn't fall out as such, I was very blunt on one occasion with them and I think they took the hint but this was when me eldest was 2, I think if it had got to 9 years, I'd have blown my lid too.

I'd sit down and have a chat, explain your frustrations, whilst acknowledging hers and see if there's a way you can both move forward as positively as you can.

I'm not going to berate your DH as he's in a tricky situation and is very much piggy in the middle in my opinion.

You are going to need to compromise though, your refusing the fish and chips probably felt like rejection and judgement to her, and vice versa to you - you may have to let some things go (easier said than done) but she is going to have to as well.

My mil would have recognised that ds had junk for breakfast (because you needed that convenience) and would happily have cooked a proper dinner for a growing boy who needs nutrients on a daily basis.
Yanbu in my opinion.
I think you have many future problems with her.
Perhaps this timing is perfect to sort it out.

I'd also have to say, I'm sorry, that he's 12, one day of junk is fine. I really wouldn't have went to war over this, especially as you rely on her for childcare, you can feed him healthy stuff the rest of the time.

And maybe don't take him for fast food breakfasts if you know you're not feeding him that night.

yes, apologise

Personally, I would cut down contact until I cease to be undermined. And no, definitely no unsupervised contact with new baby

It’s not contact it’s childcare which the OP and her DH rely on

You need to pick your battles, OP! This was way over the top, and so trivial to pick a fight over. What happens when you go on holiday? Don't you indulge in the fast food a bit more than usual? Anyway, if the boy is 12 he's too old to go to a childminder and you'll find it difficult to get any other childcare that he's happy with. Am I right to think you're a bit on the defensive as regards their obviously close relationship?

Very good point of other posters, she was been heavily involved with your DS.

I wouldn't try to rely on her less, you need to keep your support network knitted together, especially with another baby on the way.

Apologise, talk, and hopefully find a positive way to move forward - I really hope you do.

In the meantime, take good care of yourself - there are some exciting times ahead with your bubba on the way :-)

Hi,

Did MIL help your hubby take care of your son before you two were together? Do you feel that she doesn’t see you as the ‘real’ mum? I had my partners sister ask my step daughter why she calls me mum etc.

Yes I do think you overreacted but if it’s anything similar to my situation it maybe just the icing on the cake. If you ever need a chat please let me know x

"You didn't want him having two treats in one day."

Does his dad not also get a say?

Perhaps he didn't care, or perhaps he puts up with what his mum wants for the free childcare.

If that's the case, best to stop the hildcare!

He's 12-how often does he need to be looked after by his GM?

If your husband won't listen & will only defend his mum though-that's the problem & why she undermines you-her son won't disagree with her.

Presumably this date was set and your MIL likes to treat your son to fish and chips when she stays over - this is fine my DD is staying at my parents on Friday night and will have egg and chips. So the first question is why oh why did your OH choose that morning to get him McDOnalds!

Secondly you were way over the top - its one of those things that you let slide, so what one day they have too much junk food - just stop it for a week or so when they get back to you

I think the problem is you feel you need to be respected as Mum because you are actually his adopted mum but nothing that has happened I think goes against that

", she would be well within her rights to challenge you for custody, "

I thought that Op had adopted him?

I also think you should apologise, going to drag him back was awful. This is his grandmothers, who he is really close to, and he shouldn't have to witness you behaving like this over fish and chips.

I can only assume you'd still lost your shit at this point and weren't thinking straight.

At 12 all the talk about child care is a bit redundant. A 12 year old will make his own decisions about whether he sees his gran or not, particularly as she lives locally and they're obviously very close.

I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home

Bloody hell, OP! What possible outcome did you think you were going to have here? 🤭

Your MIL obviously was a huge support to your DH whilst he was a single father and she prob feels as though she has a special bond with your DS, then you come along and she has likely felt threatened over time, its a tough one as you can't ask for help (childcare) then dictate how that happens with food etc... I think YWBU on this particular occasion, however I think this is likely a build up of things over time.

My MIL whom I love dearly used to feed my children all sorts of crap, used to drive me insane, however she was a fabulous support to me and DH and used to babysit for us etc so I kind of made a pact with myself that when my DD and DS were in her care she called the shots, it was max once or twice a week. until you chill out about these things you're always going to have issues, especially now you are expecting. good luck

You were being totally unreasonable.
All that drama over fish and chips
I can see why your dh didnt agree with you.

Wow you are ridiculous. Agree with another poster who said, "pick your battles wisely" This was not a battle to pick and it made you look very petty.

Honestly who cares if MIL was going give him fish and chips? cannot believe you also drove over to your MIL to pick your son up just because she gave him fish and chips for tea!

well, she has known him longer, and is his grandmother.

You sound like you do your best to be a good step mother, but really, she is an important adult in his life too. I would say possibly more important than you

The OP adopted him, he's her son, that comment is really mean imo or do you think all adopted kids don't have "real" parents either?

Regarding the original post, I think if you have a problem with being undermined you need to sit and speak with your MIL in a time where your son isn't around and things are more calm

If my DH told me to "shut up" in ANY context, there'd be serious repercussions.

Massively unreasonable.

It's not about the fish and chips.
Things have obviously got out of control. Feelings have been hurt over time. You need to lay some ground rules before the baby comes op, otherwise things will get worse.

I get that things can escalate to the point where even the tiniest thing can become an almighty row. And I can sympathise as I have a similar kind of relationship with my MIL. However I do think you were being unreasonable over this, I mean it's a chippy tea for goodness sake! Driving over there to get him was just ridiculous. I think you need to apologise and learn to deal with issues when they arise rather than letting it build to this point.