MIL suggests I miss my son’s second birthday party

[shesastupidcow]

I’m not being u but didn’t know where to put this. There should be a section called Vent.

We’re moving and it’s DS’s birthday. Everything has gone wrong. DH called away with work, my car broke down on today’s tip and charity shop run, end of tenancy cleaners have pulled out because someone is sick... DS’s party was supposed to be at MIL’s at the weekend because we knew our place would be a state and when DH was talking to MIL tonight, saying he didn’t know how we’d get everything done and we were thinking we might not make the trip (DS is 2 and won’t care if we postpone his party) MIL suggested that I stay at home to sort out the mess and DH take DS to his second birthday party ON HIS OWN.

😡

Even DH, usually oblivious to his mother, was shocked.

@mrsmuddlepies

It is hard to warm to you OP when you end every sentence with 'lol'. I wonder how nice and kind you are to others in real life? Not very kind I suspect, if your breathtaking rudeness to other posters is anything to go by.

There's something very wrong with you if you can't warm to and have sympathy for someone who has lost both her parents and whose MIL has suggested that she stay behind and miss her own son's birthday party so she can do all the dogsbody work and who wasn't even allowed to invite her own sister to her son's party. Think about that.

I think the people that have been 'breathtakingly rude' here are those who have been piling on here to insult the OP, even though she has done nothing wrong.

@browneyes77 I think you’ve tried hard here to get the OP see where she has been unreasonable, the response to @youarenotkiddingme was uncalled for.

There are other times on this thread where OP has called this trying to offer an alternate POV “liars”. That’s a very strong reaction, as strong as hers to MIL’s suggestion of having the party without her.

OP, it’s not wrong to have a strong emotional reaction, but if you go in to situations all guns blazing, calling people names “liars” “vultures” “MILs” then you’re being unreasonable and unpleasant.

You posted in AIBU, it’s unreasonable to sling insults at people who suggest alternative points of view.

Rhiwrites - it would be nice if you could go back and challenge those posters slinging insults at OP.

You and others are being very one-sided here. It's no wonder OP feels under siege.

To be fair on the OP she was correct about the last poster she branded a liar. Its pretty easy to scroll back and see OP did not lol every sentence so it is untrue. I wrote the post off initially, thinking it was an accidentally one meant for another thread since it was untrue.

I can see why the OP would get angry and when you get angry you lash out. Sometimes posters have tried to help but others have not read the thread or updates and some have made untrue assumptions and been unfair.

Shumpalumpa...two wrongs don’t make a right... you can’t ask posters to do do what you are not doing

You have to be balanced in your critique ...both the Op and some posters have been harsh in their reactions and once you respond with insults then the discussion always turns a bit ugly which is sad .. you can support the Ops view because you sympathise/ emphasise with her but you should always challenge rudeness ... if someone is clearly wrong in a comment just say ‘you are wrong’
Ps Op I think someone asked earlier on if your username referred to MIL but you didn’t respond

@RhiWrites

Thank you.

I actually agreed with the OP several times that her MIL was being quite selfish in the way she thought it was acceptable for the OP to stay at home and miss her child’s birthday.

Shumpa I haven’t been one sided. I agreed and understood why the OP was angry with her MIL - I stated this twice.
And I made an additional point that her response to the other poster was uncalled for.

But apparently because I had the audacity to disagree with her for the way she attacked another poster and called them names, I ‘can’t read a forum’ and am ‘not very forum savvy’. (I mean, I’ve only been using Internet forums for 20 years, what do I know hey?).

The OP has stated several times she didn’t ask for opinions she just came here to vent. Fine. But if you post in AIBU? that in itself is asking a question, so even if you come on here just to vent, you are going to invite opinions from the sheer nature of the board.

And yes there are people who have been rude to the OP in their initial responses, so give those people as good as you get. But why be rude to people who haven’t been rude to you in the first place?

You have to be balanced in your critique ...both the Op and some posters have been harsh in their reactions and once you respond with insults then the discussion always turns a bit ugly which is sad .. you can support the Ops view because you sympathise/ emphasise with her but you should always challenge rudeness ... if someone is clearly wrong in a comment just say ‘you are wrong’

Exactly.

On a side note OP, regardless of any of the above, I hope your little one has a nice birthday and you get everything sorted for your move.

MIL has probably spent a fair amount on food, decorations etc for the party.
Are you and dh going to reimburse her op?
Has she bought a cake?

If people lie about us I am going to call them out about it. This is a message board where people surf on in and get half a story because they may read the OP and then pick up, at the end of the thread, a post that is lying about something DH or I did or said. Mumsnet is the worst board I read for this! People just lie to try and get others to abuse the poster. And it works! The thread takes off in that direction when everyone piles on to get kick in.

In RL this happens and it’s the same types, spreading gossip, making stuff up to disparage someone they know... but why oh why the it is important to them to do it to a stranger on the internet, especially when either the lie can be instantly disproved as it is all written down or is so laughably goady people see through it, I don’t know.

Regardless, the way to shut down the “ runaway lie” is to react strongly to it. And call a spade a spade. I’m not going to pussyfoot round someone who is telling lies about me. I’ll call them what they are, a liar!

I haven’t called anyone a “MIL”. I don’t do the “I bet you’re a MIL” thing. Again, a lie. I haven’t called an individual poster a bitch if you read back either. I referred to those announcing that they would rather not be at their child’s second birthday “bitches or liars” and I stand by that. I think it is truly horrible.

There is a certain type of poster who gets away with this crap. Not on my thread! 😄

Name fail! Oh well, new house new name!

Also, not having experience on inlaws meeting in laws, I am genuinely amazed that some posters would think MIL should invite my sister to her house. Wouldn’t that be lovely, I am pleased that families connected by marriage are like that. Is it normal?

I know its besides the point now If the party is cancelled but over the years we have lived in quite a few small flats and my DD's early parties were at my parents as they have a large house and a lot of land for bouncy castles etc. It never occurred to them that DP's family wouldn't also come as although it was at their home it was still DD's party and that is her family.

ShumpaLumpa Well said! - your reply to 'mrsmuddlepies'. Spot on! I could not have said it better!

Ellyess blimey maybe calm down with the personal attacks?? Your level of fury about this could lead people to think you might be quite unhinged. No one posts in aibu without being aware that people could quite possibly disagree with them. Your reaction could suggest that you are suffering from the exact conditions that you so confidently accuse mrsmuddlepies of having! I suggest you take a rather large chill pill.

Regardless, the way to shut down the “ runaway lie” is to react strongly to it. And call a spade a spade. I’m not going to pussyfoot round someone who is telling lies about me. I’ll call them what they are, a liar!

If some tells a blatant lie (even one that is easily disproved), then you are well within your rights to call them out about it. And that’s not something I was disputing.

But the poster who merely ‘wondered’ if your DH had maybe worded his conversation to your MIL in a way that made her respond the way she did wasn’t telling any lies. She didn’t say “this is definitely what happened”. She said she wondered if that may have been a possibility and have a different perspective on how the conversation potentially could have gone. There are no lies there, just conjecture. But you called her a liar. And that was the bit I was protesting to as I felt that was uncalled for, given she hadn’t actually told any lies, merely put an opinion forward. Her opinion maybe incorrect in its origin, but that doesn’t make her a liar. It just makes her incorrect.

How you got that she was being ‘goady’ from her post I have no idea. Her post was polite and merely offering another perspective. If you think she was being goady then that’s up to you, but it doesn’t mean you are right in your assumption. Thinking something doesn’t make it true. And it doesn’t make other people stupid or naive, just because they disagree with you.

There is nothing wrong with challenging someone’s opinion, you have every right to do that. And there is nothing wrong with calling someone a liar if they have told lies. But other people are also fine to call you out if they think you are in the wrong too.

Happilyharridan ... I agree ... Elleyess way over the top with her response and appears to be looking in the mirror...

I haven’t called anyone a “MIL”. I don’t do the “I bet you’re a MIL” thing. Again, a lie. I haven’t called an individual poster a bitch if you read back either.

No, not a lie.

On page 2 you say
“Whatever. MIL and the MILs on here have taught me lesson last night and I’m a wiser person today”

On page 3
“The winder-uppers have been crap though. They either had to make stuff up that DH said or (pretend?) admit that they couldn’t care less whether they were with their child on their birthday 🙄. Liars or bitches, what a choice 😂”

That’s the hostile language I refer to. And you just called me a liar as well. You could have said “I think you’re mistaken” but I wasn’t. You used those words.

Are you going to come back and say I’m a liar and a bitch and I must have misquoted you of you didn’t mean those things that way?

I can't believe this is still going on.

We did it! Nearly. Key handover yet to be done but...

DS and I are in the new place and DH realised that work trip was going to have to be delayed as I couldn’t travel hundreds of miles back and forth with DS to sort two places. Work were more understanding than MIL.

MIL refused to send any presents including a parcel from her sister that had already been sent to her. Whatever. We had cake on the day and are going to the beach at the weekend (DS’s favourite place) for a beach party.

I am exhausted but that’s it for me, DH picking up his slack and I’ll just have to sort the new place. I must say that without MIL constantly on the phone asking questions and giving opinions life is so much better. She has shot herself in the foot.

This thread has been an eye opener for me. As MIL does not consider me or my family (including DS) I will no longer consider her.

Thanks for everyone’s well wishes. To the nasty posters, I hope you find some self esteem someday. To find MIL’s suggestion “helpful” shows you don’t think very much of yourselves. To those want to be with their children on their birthdays (and I think some of those posting had to say that because they’d backed themselves into a corner in their rush ynbeat me up) I hope you don’t show your kids what you think.

Delurking to say ‘Well done OP’.

Enjoy the beach, your new home and the rest of your life.

FWIW I loved my DDs 2nd birthdays the most. They understand it’s a special day, know what to do with presents and are just simply innocently delighted by the whole thing. They start getting wise to it all after that.

Well done op, house moves are very stressful. For context on relationships my parents and my inlaws are both lovely, and we live on the other side of the world - they talk to each other and periodically invite the other couple to a friendly dinner. My siblings have variously helped out dhs siblings and vice versa , adn similarly us with my brother’s wife’s family- we all regard each other as extended family.

Sorry I couldn't read all the stupid and rude posts but the gist seems to be:

"It doesn't matter if you miss your own child's birthday." 🙄 Which is a totally different response on MN then when it involves a deadbeat Dad missing his kid's birthday. Also it matters to the OP so it doesn't actually matter if some other people sadly don't care about their kids enough to make every effort to be there for their birthday.

"MIL was making a generous offer." 🤣 Yeah leaving her to clean and pack alone sure sounds generous. Maybe MIL should have come over to actually help instead!

"OP is overreacting." 🤨

"It's perfectly fine for the OP to do a bunch of cleaning, packing, and loads of other stuff all alone while her husband toddles off to their child's birthday party without her." If he was going on a last minute weekend trip to Europe with his guy friends leaving her to do all that then people would be telling her to LTB and get her ducks in a row. (A phrase that makes me cringe at how lame it is.)

DID YOU PEOPLE ALL DO A BUNCH OF DRUGS BEFORE YOU POSTED SUCH STUPIDITY??? I honestly want to know.

@shesastupidcow

Glad everything else turned out okay for you and your family OP. Sorry your MIL is still being a stupid cow.

Withholding gifts from a child, shame on her.

Totally agree with @LeighaJ

Hadn’t read the thread for a few days. Holy cow! Poor you OP, getting grief everywhere.

Important lesson here about your MIL. Sorry you’ve had to experience that (and the rude, argumentative posters).

Best of luck to you, husband and DC

@LeighaJ

Great post 😊