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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL suggests I miss my son’s second birthday party

350 replies

shesastupidcow · 14/08/2018 21:45

I’m not being u but didn’t know where to put this. There should be a section called Vent.

We’re moving and it’s DS’s birthday. Everything has gone wrong. DH called away with work, my car broke down on today’s tip and charity shop run, end of tenancy cleaners have pulled out because someone is sick... DS’s party was supposed to be at MIL’s at the weekend because we knew our place would be a state and when DH was talking to MIL tonight, saying he didn’t know how we’d get everything done and we were thinking we might not make the trip (DS is 2 and won’t care if we postpone his party) MIL suggested that I stay at home to sort out the mess and DH take DS to his second birthday party ON HIS OWN.

😡

Even DH, usually oblivious to his mother, was shocked.

OP posts:
Original poster
shesastupidcow · 16/08/2018 09:52

Perfectly1mperfect Dont think she said it to be malicious, she said it to DH and he would have seen through her, I think she just doesn’t see me as part of her family. DH was still shocked at her coldness though.

There’s been a few occasions where she has been dismissive, I just don’t seem to figure in her world!

OP posts:
Perfectly1mperfect · 16/08/2018 10:06

shesastupidcow

That's really sad. At least you have a partner that sees through it though. How can she not see you as important ? You are the mother of her grandson, without you, she wouldn't have him. If she continues to treat you this way, as your son gets older, he will pick up on it, dislike her for it and she may not be as close to him as she would like to be. Children are very loyal to good parents.

Anyway, hope you sorted your tupperware and you have a fresh bottle of gin in to replace the last one ! Wink

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 16/08/2018 15:52

Thank you, getting sorted. Cleaners postponed themselves until tomorrow Hmm but all the big stuff on eBay went today and everyone has picked up (bargains that’s why, I’ve given up trying to do anything sensibly now lol!) and a neighbour whom we have a lot of baby stuff to has kindly done a charity shop run with the bits she didn’t want.

Phew!

Getting there.

OP posts:
RayneDance · 16/08/2018 16:33

Op I think you mis read sandy post Grin she said she wouldn't miss any parties.

I wonder if some posters lack the ability to understand sub text?
Something strange is going on on in law threads, maybe an invasion from grans net!!

I know loads of mils apart from mine and some would have offered this innocently without thinking in shock over loosing the party, others would have been spiteful and jumped on it as a chance to play mum and cut dil out. Even better if sil and dh can play parents...

Others it would never occur to themselves that the party could go ahead without the dil. Imagine if Mil had said that!

Cancel and re book it because op must be there... How different things would be.

happypoobum · 16/08/2018 16:42

Christ I would have bitten her hand off, but I hate childrens parties Grin even my own DC.

Always get a migraine...

kaytee87 · 16/08/2018 16:42

Hmm well there's obviously a back story.

My mil would have suggested DH stay behind or she would have suggested she come to help us. I don't think she'd suggest I miss my ds birthday party, but if she did I wouldn't get my knickers in a twist about it. I'd just say that actually I'd rather be there or I'd say thanks and take the opportunity to get stuff sorted.
On my sons second birthday I spent the morning in hospital at an appointment to be told I need another operation 🤷🏼‍♀️

RayneDance · 16/08/2018 16:50

I guess how we react to things said at one point in time are based on how the sayer makes us feel all the other times.

Port1ajazz · 16/08/2018 17:34

Great suggestion ,that's what is do . MIL obviously thinking only of herself !

Frazzledstar1 · 16/08/2018 17:34

Yanbu to turn down the offer if you don’t want to miss ds birthday party. I don’t think mil was bu either - she was offering some help.

canadianbanana · 16/08/2018 17:36

I disagree and think you're being u. She only made a suggestion and an offer to help after hearing about how overwhelmed you are. She probably figures you are better at handling the mess than her son. Hosting a 2 yo party is a stress and a mess she doesn't need, and it was good of her to agree in the first place. I'm guessing you have a poor relationship with her and this is just a case on jumping on something to be offended/pissed off by. You're actually being pretty ungrateful.

Port1ajazz · 16/08/2018 17:37

You have my sympathy , been there , done that ! I'm afraid you just have to shrug your shoulders a try to not let get it to you . What does DH intend to do ?

Turnitaroundagain · 16/08/2018 17:52

I wouldn’t have a problem taking her up on it. I think she is trying to be helpful, prob knows you’re a bit stressed and trying to lighten the load. Doing the whole party thing when you are under pressure is a nightmare you can’t wait to get it over and done with anyway!

Yb23487643 · 16/08/2018 17:52

YANBU I’d see it as a chance for mil to play mum & demote real mum to cleaner & someone they wouldn’t miss too.

If mil was being truly helpful she could’ve offered to do the jobs while the party was going on. Tbh how long is a kids party anyway?

Of course a mum wants to be at her child’s birthday, especially the first few!

Also sense an infiltration from gransnet too!

Turquoise123 · 16/08/2018 18:00

I think she was trying to help .hope everything works out for you sounds like you have a lot going on

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 16/08/2018 18:07

I was agreeing with Sandy. Must have worded it badly, sorry.

When DH told his mother that we would probably have to cancel because work had called, stuff went wrong, my car was off the road, if she had said “Oh what a shame, let’s do it another time” all would be well.

If I couldn’t have made it, ill, work, whatever, it would have been different. But me missing my son’s birthday to clean and DH just leaves with DS to party, not on!

OP posts:
RayneDance · 16/08/2018 18:17

Exactly op.
If she had shown consideration to your feelings like you had to hers the heart is more open.

PugwallsSummer · 16/08/2018 18:28

I think her suggestion was idiotic and I would have been offended at the thought that my presence at my own child's birthday party was unnecessary.

You've had an extremely stressful week and a more appropriate & helpful suggestion might have been to offer to help with the workload.

You are not unreasonable for feeling as you do.

Thehappygardener · 16/08/2018 18:30

I know that some people say that a party for a young child is just a party, but we recently celebrated our grandsons second birthday party and it would have been very VERY strange if his mother hadn’t been there. I am sure that in similar circumstances, we would have done the same as you, and postponed.

I also hope that as an MiL and a step mum myself, that I don’t inadvertently upset anyone by making suggestions. Having said that, my son in laws mother seems to completely disregard me, if any joint celebrations or events are being planned, to the extent of changing her sons arrangements if she feels his plan would benefit me in any way. Some people ....!

Hope that your move goes well and that you have a very happy belated birthday party. 🎈✅

Lala2018 · 16/08/2018 18:39

Suggest her son, your dh, misses the party and does the cleaning?

starlight13 · 16/08/2018 18:50

MIL will do anything to get their DS alone in my experience. Just say that you are coming but your DH is staying to sort out the mess.

moogoom · 16/08/2018 19:09

The best option your mil could have offered was to postpone it till you could all enjoy the occasion. A two year olds birthday is only appreciated by the doting relatives and i bet the reason your mil didnt offer the rescheduling was because she wanted the party to go ahead with or without you. Thoughtless and selfish

Nearly47 · 16/08/2018 19:22

Wondering how many people dismissing OP have a toddler or young child. I think at that age the link the mum feels towards child is so strong. Still feels a bit like having a baby. I also would have been upset at that suggestion, specially as mil favoured her son going and leaving OP to the cleaning. I would feel pushed out.

LuluJakey1 · 16/08/2018 19:24

I don't think she put it very sensitively but she has probably been really excited about having the party at her house and will have bought things and invited the family. She was trying to find a way to make it work still. You will have lots of other birthday parties with him that he will remember. She would have had the memories of this one which would have been special for her although he wouldn't remember it.

LuluJakey1 · 16/08/2018 19:25

Having said that I would have hated to miss DS's birthday party.

ducksanddrake · 16/08/2018 19:34

YABU
It was only a suggestion, you obviously dont like her that much. Just postpone it for another day love