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Original poster

MIL suggests I miss my son’s second birthday party

350 replies

shesastupidcow · 14/08/2018 21:45

I’m not being u but didn’t know where to put this. There should be a section called Vent.

We’re moving and it’s DS’s birthday. Everything has gone wrong. DH called away with work, my car broke down on today’s tip and charity shop run, end of tenancy cleaners have pulled out because someone is sick... DS’s party was supposed to be at MIL’s at the weekend because we knew our place would be a state and when DH was talking to MIL tonight, saying he didn’t know how we’d get everything done and we were thinking we might not make the trip (DS is 2 and won’t care if we postpone his party) MIL suggested that I stay at home to sort out the mess and DH take DS to his second birthday party ON HIS OWN.

😡

Even DH, usually oblivious to his mother, was shocked.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/08/2018 10:31

" DH committed to work stuff without thinking it through. "

So he's not entirely blameless?

Initially I thought that MIL was being thoughtless & you said that it wasn't malicious, but the present stuff is odd.

Do MIL & FIL work or could they get to you to help if they wanted to?

Laserbird16 · 15/08/2018 11:07

Does MIL drive? Any way you could ask her for what you really need, a car! Could she come over play with DS, put you on the insurance and you run your errands?

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 11:16

Clutterbugsmum There’s only two of them unless any of DH’s cousins were going but I don’t think they were. But yes, will suggest it thanks. Might be viewed as stirring the pot though.

No he won’t mind when he gets his presents. DH and I mind that he’s not getting the one from MIL’s sister, that’s unfair. They were posted and presumably already packaged up. Still, MIL’s choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 11:19

DH "Mum. Dw wants to postpone DS party because she was doing a load of house move

WTF?! You’ve made that up! I was the one saying MIL would get upset if we didn’t go. DH was the one who said he’d been called away with work and things had gone wrong so something had to give.

Why do people tell lies?!

OP posts:
Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 11:19

And “so she has to sort that”. Why, am I DH’s slave?

Bloody hell love, you must have an awful relationship.

OP posts:
HappilyHarridan · 15/08/2018 12:17

You seem really determined to construe what your MIL said in the worst possible way, and refuse to consider that maybe it wasn't meant as anything other than an attempt to make a helpful suggestion. Obviously we don't know your MIL so have no way of knowing is she is a nasty person who delights in saying/suggesting things just to piss you off, or whether she is just a normal person who was trying to be helpful and got it a bit wrong.
Either way you need to chill out and stop being so defensive and angry about it, no one has actually done anything wrong to you at all, you will see your child on his birthday, so really nothing to get worked up about.

HappilyHarridan · 15/08/2018 12:23

And I'm sure your MILs sister will not be too worried about when he gets his present, as long as he gets it and she gets a thank you then it's fine. When I was a kid it was normal to get family prezzies staggered over a period of time depending on when we saw them, and it was only ever a good thing to have the birthday treats stretched out.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/08/2018 12:33

It sounds to me like she was trying to help and nothing else, I think its pretty obvious why it was suggested the op stay at home considering she can't drive her dh's car and has no car of her own.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 15/08/2018 12:33

I'm dreading being a mil and I'm so grateful for my Mil she is bloody wonderful.

hammeringinmyhead · 15/08/2018 12:34

Totally on your side here OP. Reading loud and clear she is only fussed about seeing DH and grandson and can take or leave you coming up.

flamingofridays · 15/08/2018 12:36

I don't get why so many people are defending her!

you'd all be happy to miss your 2yos party would you? I certainly wouldn't!

AnneWiddecombesHandbag · 15/08/2018 12:42

That would be my dream come true. I hate kids parties even my own kids.

I'd love for my MIL to sort that while I cleaned.

hammeringinmyhead · 15/08/2018 12:45

I think if OP had initially explained that "party" was actually "weekend away at Mil's 4 hours away including a family gathering for DS" then the responses may have been kinder.

HappilyHarridan · 15/08/2018 12:49

There's a difference between being happy to miss it, and being outraged at the very suggestion. The MIL only made a suggestion, obviously it's entirely up to the op and her husband whether they say yes or no but I don't understand why you would be so angry just at the suggestion. Clearly some mums would be happy to miss the party and if the MIL was like that with her kids then it's not outrageous of her to make a suggestion of something that she may well have been happy to do when her kids were small.

HappilyHarridan · 15/08/2018 12:51

And I would always assume that my partners parents are more excited to see him than me, and if only one of us could visit it would be him. Likewise if only one of us could go to my parents for a visit it would always be me, as I'm their daughter! I wouldn't find it offensive that if only one of us could go my partners parents would assume it would be him, and mine would assume it would be me.

diddl · 15/08/2018 13:11

I think that a lot of GMs would be disappointed to find out a few days before that they are no longer hosting their GS's bday party & might make a suggestion so that they still would be.

As you say Op, although you didn't know that things would turn out as they have this week, it would have been best to tell MIL then that the party would now be at yours.

ShumpaLumpa · 15/08/2018 13:40

The MIL only made a suggestion, obviously it's entirely up to the op and her husband whether they say yes or no but I don't understand why you would be so angry just at the suggestion.

Maybe because OP isn't allowed to invite her own sister to her own son's party?

Or because MIL is now withholding presents family have bought for DS as a punishment?

Or even because she has suggested OP does all the shit jobs while her DH has a lovely family party?

Pick a reason! And OP doesn't seem angry, just resigned and annoyed.

OrchidsAreSlags · 15/08/2018 13:44

I get it OP.

This is the sort of thoughtless thing my MIL would say. In essence it implies that you’re dispensable to the party and she's happy to crack on without you while you do all the moving shitwork on your own. Yeah, great suggestion.

It reminds me of when I had PND with our third child and DH was working out of the house from 7.30am-7.30pm every day. I was really struggling and MIL was aware, yet instead of any offer of help, she kept trying to persuade DH to spend some nights of the week at her house so that he wouldn’t be so exhausted from his long commute. Either she thought about t and dismissed it as unimportant, or it simply never occurred to here that if DH spent the night at hers, that would make things even harder for me.

Luckily DH was on my side and never took her up on her ‘kind’ and ‘practical’ offer. Hmm

piscis · 15/08/2018 13:44

Thats not why. Its your disgusting and self centred attitude to your MIL thats the issue

I guess you are a MIL and somehow you have feel offended.
Why is it disgusting?? What has she done?? She hasn't even spoken to her...The only thing she has done is to say she is not happy about her suggesting she misses her son's party. OBVIOUSLY. It is not hard to understand, most parents want to.
Self-centered because you want to be present at your son't party...???

spunkbubble · 15/08/2018 14:04

Moving house is Mega. toddlers b'days are Mega and Mil's are Mega. I have a wonderful Mil but she is obsessed. She will try Anything to have an extra day, few more hours, be first to see new film etc.. I choose my battles to MY convenience. Mostly she gets away with stuff and I get a break, when it matters I stick to my guns. It's taken me 3 kids to get this comfortable! They try it on. I feel if it wasn't for your Mega week you may not be too offended, knowing what she's like? I hope move goes smooth. Have a good time with Birthday, stay sane x

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 14:06

Thanks piscis, I’m not even complaining that she’s holding my son’s presents hostage, including at least one from someone else, until he collects them in person 🙄.

DH had to text the two relatives who were going to MILs to tell them we weren’t going up now. They are both sympathetic and one said they will post DS’s present and see if the other wants to put anything in the parcel. Hurrah! So nice of them. There is no way of retrieving the one from faraway auntie that is already at MIL’s but will send a thank you for thinking of us card anyway because we know it’s there.

Have managed to find a cleaner, still trying to get carpet person. Car is back on Friday. Have packed tupperware 😄 .

OP posts:
Original poster
shesastupidcow · 15/08/2018 14:11

Likewise if only one of us could go to my parents for a visit it would always be me, as I'm their daughter! NONE of us can go. I have no car, DH is going to work, we are both behind with the move due to circumstances beyond our control and DS can’t drive yet!

No one has offered to come get him, help, send his cards even. I now realise that lots of posters don’t think their children’s 2nd birthdays are anything to worry about and wouldn’t mind not being with their children on this day and some would prefer to clean them be with their children on this day. I find that odd but each to their own.

OP posts:
HappilyHarridan · 15/08/2018 15:01

Yes but when she made the offending suggestion she obviously thought that her son was able to go, hence she suggested that he still comes so the party could go ahead. My point was simply that I don't think it's that unusual that if a parent thought either their child or their child spouse was coming to visit they would probably prefer it to be their child, if both couldn't come.
And she's not holding anything hostage she's just waiting until she next sees you all, that's really not so unusual.

youarenotkiddingme · 15/08/2018 15:05

Shesatstupidcow calm down love Grin

You responded to my earlier lost quite dramatically by my reading my post, reading it if context and then wailllllllllling "why do people** lie?!"

I simply said I could imagine the conversation between dh and mil going that way.

Eg - your dh has passed on the message differently to what you have him.

Eg - lost in translation.

Your complete Oscar winning performance in response only goes to solidify my suggestion Wink

Of course it's entirely possible that's not how dh worded it and you even heard how he worded it - and it's entirely possible you could have just said so calmly!

youarenotkiddingme · 15/08/2018 15:06

Oh and btw you have no idea about my relationship status so please don't project.

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