MIL suggests I miss my son’s second birthday party

[shesastupidcow]

I’m not being u but didn’t know where to put this. There should be a section called Vent.

We’re moving and it’s DS’s birthday. Everything has gone wrong. DH called away with work, my car broke down on today’s tip and charity shop run, end of tenancy cleaners have pulled out because someone is sick... DS’s party was supposed to be at MIL’s at the weekend because we knew our place would be a state and when DH was talking to MIL tonight, saying he didn’t know how we’d get everything done and we were thinking we might not make the trip (DS is 2 and won’t care if we postpone his party) MIL suggested that I stay at home to sort out the mess and DH take DS to his second birthday party ON HIS OWN.

😡

Even DH, usually oblivious to his mother, was shocked.

OP, you can safely ignore a lot of posters here, I've noticed they go from thread to thread being dickish.

Coyoacan No I didn’t, you have made that up! I posted to vent, read my op.

Ferret No, DH’s mother, DH spoke to her.

longway read the thread lol!

Shumpa Yes. They are annoyed because they actually don’t have a good stick to beat me with. To do so they have to make themselves look bad. This thread has given us some much needed downtime from everything we need to do. The amateur psychology, the trying to rally the troops to attack, the “I can hardly be bothered to post” pretend tediousness. 😃

I think a lot of posters are cross with OP because she was angry in her OP. For some reason many people tend to react to anger with anger. Reasonably understandable in 'RL' and the anger is directed at you, but weird when you see it on a forum and when the poster openly admitted that she needed a vent.

I've read all the thread and it's dying down now, but personally the thing which resonates with me is are the combined basic facts that OP has no parents and her husbands mother has suggested she not bother coming to her little boys party and stay miles away cleaning.

A pp said something about it being natural for GPs, if circ.s dictate, to be keener to see their own child along with their GC than the in law parent; that it's a 'balance'. This may be true but the thing is OP doesn't have her own parents and there is no 'her' side for balance. Wouldn't you think MIL would twig? OP won't get to share any of her boy's parties with her mum and dad because they are gone. There is no balance for OP.

God above i wouldn't dream of telling any of my son in laws they could stay miles away and clean a bloody house while me and my daughter got on with having his little son's birthday party! Especially a son in law without his own family!

OP

You have summed it up Laiste, thanks for that.

It would never occur to MIL to have anything to do with “my side” of the family. Even so it was me that was concerned that we should still try and make it to her place, for her, not DS who can stay here and see his friends which is what we are now doing. I am always the one to make arrangements. (DH had not seen “his family” for over a year when I met him, he doesn’t get around to it.) But this incident, fuelled by this thread, has changed something now. I am looking after me and my family because you know something, no one take will. DH is annoyed with his mother. I am not going to smooth those waters, I’ve been shown where my place!

Also, not having experience on inlaws meeting in laws, I am genuinely amazed that some posters would think MIL should invite my sister to her house. Wouldn’t that be lovely, I am pleased that families connected by marriage are like that. Is it normal?

MIL has nothing to do with any of her children’s in laws. She doesn’t like them, doesn’t like “strangers”. This was my yardstick. I’m glad it’s not everyone’s.

And before the “drip feed” vultures come flocking, this is nothing to do with my OP, to me it was normality. I never expected MIL to invite my sister. Our annoyance with her is purely that she wanted to be with our son on his birthday at my cost. I expected a few people to say “ what an insensitive suggestion” and that would be it. But this has blown up and made me realise that actually she is in the wrong much deeper than that. I can see why DH is so annoyed also.

It’s a bit of a turning point! New house, new habits!

Also, not having experience on inlaws meeting in laws, I am genuinely amazed that some posters would think MIL should invite my sister to her house. Wouldn’t that be lovely, I am pleased that families connected by marriage are like that. Is it normal?

I think it varies but in my family, my MIL gets along with all her DIL's families. She invites them to parties, she goes to see DIL's parents when they're sick, she has invited my mum and siblings to her daughter's wedding.

I think that is the norm for many but not most people. I'm sorry you didn't have that. Often on MN you read an OP from someone who has no mum or a toxic mum but a lovely MIL. I'm sorry that hasn't happened for you. But it's certainly not your fault.

Good post from Laiste.

The thing that I can't understand is why she hasn't suggested coming to you?

Unless health or finances prevent it, as a MIL I would be offering to come and help my son & his family clean, sort stuff out & look after their children in a stressful time like a house move.

Somehow I don't think your MIL has that kind of mentality though.

she goes to see DIL's parents when they're sick You see that amazes me! She met my sister at our wedding and wondered who she was lol!

Bluebell She doesn’t come to us. She likes people to visit her. We went up when DS was 4 weeks old, as soon as I was told I could sit in the car for that long(csection) and when I was pumping milk every two hours (that was an interesting services stop!) because she wouldn't come down. I didn’t know why, she manages to go on holiday twice a year European resorts, but after this thread I think it is control. A test. A see how much I mean to you thing or see if I mean more to you than your wife thing to DH maybe.

It was a dumb suggestion that was unlikely to be accepted.

But when you hear your child venting about the terrible situation they’ve ended up in with a whole list of incompatible competing priorities and the stress it’s causing them (and yes it’s entirely normal to vent to your mum about stressful situations, even if you have a wife) then it’s a very natural maternal instinct to immediately throw out suggestions for things to do even if they’re overly drastic or wouldn’t actually help. My affectionate DM does it all the time. I just say accept it in a spirit it was meant and say thanks but no thanks. If it was a clearly unsuitable solution that involved my DH being thoughtlessly excluded then I wouldn’t even mention it to him: why would I?

IAmTheWifeOfMaoTseTung DH wasn’t venting, he was letting her know why we couldn’t go up.

Comes to the same thing: you hear your baby give a long list of domestic crises and you desperately reach for a knee jerk solution to kiss it better. Obviously MNers don’t do this because we are all creatures of perfect rationality who weigh each statement up carefully, and we believe that adults should be left to find their own solutions from midnight on their eighteenth birthday. But other, weaker, mothers have been known to do this.

IAmTheWifeOfMaoTseTung I hear what you are saying but it didn’t make the situation better for us, only her!

The list of people who it would have been worse for is:

DH (would have to fly without sleep as called away with work THIS ALONE WOULD STOPPED HIM GOING, his call, he agreed with work)

DH’s work (if he reneged on his agreement to go away)

Me (get son taken away for his birthday)

House owner/letting people (without all hands on deck there was NO WAY we’d get this done and out on agreed date. We’re still cutting it fine. The extra 9 hours saved by not doing the drive are needed)

YANBU, my MIL would have come to help clean and/or do some tip runs, as would any actually helpful friend or relative. This reminds me of the people who come to see a struggling new mother and "help" by cuddling the baby and tell her to make them a drink and a snack whilst she's up... you can't just call things help if they're not really help

shesastupidcow Flipping Heck!! This has to be a top score on the MIL-Total-Psychopath scale!

Ignore her from now and for ever after. Have a fun birthday despite the mess possibly with fish and chips, with DS and DH and postpone party till you have your next place all settled and homely and then have a nice party with all the hats and cakes and balloons and sing-songs.
This MIL is completely off the scale. Mum miss her son's 2nd birthday party completely unnecessarily? What sort of cold-blooded, unfeeling, miserable, mean, uncaring psycho is she? Tell her I said that.

shesastupidcow

It’s a bit of a turning point! New house, new habits!

YESSSSSSSS!

All the best, here's to a better future!
You are in charge!! 👑

Well a parcel arrived from a couple of relatives so DH asked MIL if she had sent on the parcel from faraway aunt and she hasn’t. Maybe she thinks DH will go up tomorrow and get it.

Anyway too late now, she would have had to have posted it today for it to get here tomorrow and we’re moving next week.

DH not happy.

shesastupidcow I must go now but just have to say, you are coping with all this SOOO well! I really do admire you! Moving house is so stressful but having all these cleaning rules on top, from the rental people, makes it so much harder and then all the complications of the car and the cleaners... You are amazing!

Please don't listen to the weirdos who don't support you. There are always some people who like being awkward.

Any normal person, not even needing to be a mum, would say that of course you should be with your son on his birthday! There's no reason not to be! You don't need a big party on the actual day. You can have fun with fish and chips and no cooking or washing up! Just being together is what you will enjoy and then have a lovely party when you are settled in your own new home!
Sending lots of love, congratulations on coping so well, Happy Birthday to your DS, and wishing you every happiness in your New Home! God Bless you all! from E🌸🐼😇🍰🍾

Thank you

Good to understand more where you are coming from and esp how little contact your Dh has with his parents. Anyway your family unit should always be your first priority ... your last few posts show you are dealing pretty well with what life throws at you ... hope the vent was at least a helpful distraction in a hectic week...
don’t know if some posters are regular and being provocative or not or that there view points were made with any malice but interesting to see how people reacted to it...

It is hard to warm to you OP when you end every sentence with 'lol'. I wonder how nice and kind you are to others in real life? Not very kind I suspect, if your breathtaking rudeness to other posters is anything to go by.

It is hard to warm to you OP when you end every sentence with 'lol'

No I don't, you are a liar. If anyone cares to look at my posts they can see you are lying so you are a stupid liar to boot!

Ferret27 Yes it is interesting. I don't know whether it is other people's truth or whether they were picking a fight for reasons of their own. What started as a rather mundane but stupid suggestion from MIL has rattled a few cages, I wonder why? It's not as if it is the sort of thing you would hear a lot... or perhaps I'm wrong. Perhaps a particular type of person says that sort of thing a lot and is being attack-defensive. Who knows.