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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL suggests I miss my son’s second birthday party

350 replies

shesastupidcow · 14/08/2018 21:45

I’m not being u but didn’t know where to put this. There should be a section called Vent.

We’re moving and it’s DS’s birthday. Everything has gone wrong. DH called away with work, my car broke down on today’s tip and charity shop run, end of tenancy cleaners have pulled out because someone is sick... DS’s party was supposed to be at MIL’s at the weekend because we knew our place would be a state and when DH was talking to MIL tonight, saying he didn’t know how we’d get everything done and we were thinking we might not make the trip (DS is 2 and won’t care if we postpone his party) MIL suggested that I stay at home to sort out the mess and DH take DS to his second birthday party ON HIS OWN.

😡

Even DH, usually oblivious to his mother, was shocked.

OP posts:
browneyes77 · 16/08/2018 20:00

YANBU for being peeved that your MIL suggested you should stay home and sort everything out yourself, whilst your DH gets to enjoy your sons bday party on his own and you miss out.

However YABU for claiming that youarenotkiddingme was telling lies and making things up, when clearly from her post she was merely wondering if that maybe the way your DH put things across to his mother in the first place, could be what prompted your MIL to reply with her suggestion of you staying at home:

Part of me wonders exactly what dh said to MIL to prompt her to suggest you stay at home.

Lure my because I can see this sort of conversation.

DH "Mum. Dw wants to postpone DS party because she was doing a load of house move errands and her car broke and the cleaners cancelled so she has to sort that. This means she's behind with the jobs she was doing and will need the weekend to catch up"

MIL "that sounds stressful. Well don't worry I'm happy for party to go ahead and I'll organise everything - dw can do her jobs then if she wants"

If this isn’t the case, you could’ve just said “no it wouldn’t have been that” or “no I was there when he had the conversation, he didn’t give her any reason to suggest it”.

The post wasn’t rude in any way. It wasn’t goody. It was merely a simple suggestion as to what could have motivated your MIL to suggest what she did.

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 16/08/2018 20:09

“You will have lots of other birthday parties with him that he will remember. She would have had the memories of this one which would have been special for her although he wouldn't remember it.”

Why? Do you think she’ll be dead next year?! What an odd thing to say!

OP posts:
Original poster
shesastupidcow · 16/08/2018 20:14

browneyes77 It’s a pathetic thing to do, to “wonder” if it really went like this... cue completely different scenario where my husband throws me under a bus when I’d already posted what had happened. What’s the point? Just to pick a fight?

OP posts:
Whizbang · 16/08/2018 21:13

No, it isn’t a ‘pathetic’ thing to wonder, it is entirely reasonable. If you don’t want people to wonder, comment and speculate then why on earth did you post here?

iamawoman · 16/08/2018 21:26

Yeah sure most mums don't mind miss ing their 2 year olds birthday parties?

browneyes77 · 16/08/2018 21:32

How is it pathetic to wonder something?

You said in your original post that your DH was the one who had told your MIL how busy you both were and then she suggested you stay home while he goes to the party.

I’m not saying she’s right in her wonderings, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to just wonder if the wording your DH used had given your MIL reason to think the way she did. youare didn’t say he’d done it intentionally to ‘throw you under the bus’.

Just felt your response was a little harsh and OTT, as I didn’t really see anything rude or mean about her post at all. I didn’t get the impression she was trying to pick a fight, merely giving another suggestion.

As I say, regardless of what your DH may or may not have said, I still think your MIL’s suggestion was a poor one. Bit selfish and daft to think you’d want to miss your own child’s birthday. Especially to stay home and clean a house on your own, that both you AND your DH are responsible for doing.

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 16/08/2018 21:44

”DH was talking to MIL tonight, saying he didn’t know how we’d get everything done and we were thinking we might not make the trip...”

That was my opening post.^

Not ”Dw wants to postpone DS party because she was doing a load of house move errands and her car broke and the cleaners cancelled so she has to sort that” as goady poster wrote.

It’s laughably goady, an amateur attempt. Yet you fell for it lol!

OP posts:
Iseveryusernametaken · 16/08/2018 23:02

OP, it appears that there are a lot of people in here that just want to try to wind you up. Mil may have been attempting to be nice or completely bitchy, only she will know. Regardless, she was thoughtless. Moving house is really stressful without things going wrong, if Pil really wanted to help they could travel and see their grandson on his birthday. It is not reasonable to expect you to spend a whole weekend away and travelling, or for you to be left behind (particularly with no transport to run errands) to work whilst everyone else celebrates the hard work that you put in two years ago. Everyone is so complacent that 'it's only a 2nd birthday, there'll be plenty more'. I have two friends whose dc didn't make it and barely made it to birthday 3. They are all precious.

browneyes77 · 16/08/2018 23:29

It’s laughably goady, an amateur attempt. Yet you fell for it lol!

If you say so Grin

But I wasn’t the one who got all arsey and shouty about what she wrote. I’d say if she was purposely trying to be goady to you, she got the rise she was looking for from you didn’t she? So, not really me who fell for it.....

shesastupidcow · 16/08/2018 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 16/08/2018 23:41

browneyes77 You’re not very forum savvy are you?!

OP posts:
browneyes77 · 17/08/2018 00:20

You’re not very forum savvy are you?!

Why, because I disagree with you on what one poster said? You think she’s being goady so therefore you are 100% right? People have different opinions to you and interpret things differently, doesn’t mean they aren’t forum savvy. So please stop being so obnoxious and patronising.

But hey ho, tell you what, I’ll just tell you what you obviously want to hear: Your MIL is horrible, you're right, everyone else who disagree’s is wrong. All the people who are wrong are being goady and mean. Congratulations on your new house.

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 17/08/2018 00:49

browneyes77 No, nothing to do with disagreeing, because you can't read a forum.

OP posts:
Ferret27 · 17/08/2018 01:08

I’m with brown eyes... there is something about Op’s tone .... not sure how or when you lost your parents but don’t fall out with your husbands... it takes time and continuing effort to make all relationships work .... maybe you need to get to know your mil a bit better for everyone’s sake esp if you love your dh

Original poster
shesastupidcow · 17/08/2018 01:13

"but don’t fall out with your husbands"

I haven't actually spoken to her at all. DH did. I sent one text saying we's pay for postage for DS's present from faraway MIL because DH didn't think to offer. Heard nothing back.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 17/08/2018 01:38

OP, you are one of the most unpleasant posters I've seen in a while on mumsnet. You post asking for opinions, people give different perspectives and now it turns out we are either "liars or bitches".

Sodor · 17/08/2018 02:12

Trouble with burning bridges over small things is that you find yourself stranded alone on an island when you most need those people's help...

Perfectly1mperfect · 17/08/2018 03:02

Trouble with burning bridges over small things is that you find yourself stranded alone on an island when you most need those people's help...

So you should let yourself be treated like you don't matter in case one day you might need them ? I don't think that's a good idea at all.

LuluJakey1 · 17/08/2018 07:24

OP - I meant your DS will have every birthday with you for the next 16 years at least- either at your house or a venue you choose. Your MIL won't have his parties at her house, and given the way you speak about her may not even be invited to his birthdays. It was probably special to her to host this one and she would have remembered it fondly.

You seem determined to have a go at people. I imagine she would like to tell you where to go- I would.

Weepingangels · 17/08/2018 07:44

You have my sympathy, i would be miffed too, not just at missing my baby's birthday but at the implication that i should be the one to stay and clean house. Thankfully MIL isnt into wifework and would offer help instead.

The fact your dh is annoyed too and is making comments and it is escalating does make me wonder if there is a back story. As a one off its between laughable and annoying imo so i do wonder if this is signifying something more. Especially as you make it clear they don't bother traveling to you all so you all have to.

RayneDance · 17/08/2018 08:24

Bloody hell, what's wrong with people. Op had been hauled over the haridans coals, spoken to in the Vile way by so many posters and now people are Moaning about her tone.

I really wish mnhq did more behind the scenes monitoring I really do. Because some of these posters go from the thread to thread to be bitchy, goady and offer no proper advice at all. I thought mn supposed to be helpful.

Maybe influx from gransnet but I can't imagine older ladies being so childish! Maybe influx of board teens?

Ferret27 · 17/08/2018 08:50

Raynedance....
She has been offered advice and other perspectives by posters .... you need to read posters properly... the first person to be rude on here was the Op and even then the majority have stayed polite ... maybe what we don’t know or understand is how Op and her husband feel about Mil and if there is a back story here...

Why don’t you call your Mil Op.. have a chat and a quick catch up on how things are going at your end ... that’s simple sound advice and can’t be misconstrued .... this will only be blown out of proportion if you let it...

Ferret27 · 17/08/2018 08:56

you have only sent a text .... this reallyis why people are getting so bad at communicating ... pick up the phone it’s more personal and you may resolve this ... I’m sure there is a little bit of fault on all sides as is the case in most situations

longwayoff · 17/08/2018 09:03

Get over it. Your kid wont care one way or the other and if you're harassed and short of time you should welcome it. Have his 'real' party when you're more settled. It will make no difference to your child.

Ferret27 · 17/08/2018 09:06

In fact you are miffed because everything you know about this event is via your DH .... most people can’t relay events and convey third party messages very well ... and as someone said before maybe he got something wrong ...either way ... the clues in the title ‘ mumsnet ‘ you are both mums .... try talking and keep trying unless she really is a real nightmare ... make your own mind up on what type of person she is and why... you both need to make effort with each other but you don’t have to like everything about each other ...

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