To not understand MIL/DIL relationships

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This isn't an anti MIL thread (there are tons of them here)
I genuinely would like to try to understand why MILs & DILs have such notoriously troublesome relationships

I used to get on brilliantly with mine.
But since she retired and I had DD the dynamic of our relationship has changed.
We are both finding our feet in our new lives and seem to be not gelling.

Her ways now get under my skin when before I could of shrugged them off. I'm holding grudges for things I would of let go before
She thinks I've become too sensitive and lost my sense of humor. I also think she thought she'd be more hands on with DD and is disappointed I don't need help.

We do both make an effort to get along for DH and DD.
Don't get me wrong although she has her flaws (like any of us) she can be great too and I do miss how we used to be.

Do you think it comes from caveman times when there could only be 1 female in charge? 😂

Seriously though why does it need to be difficult?
Why is there so many threads and stories of MIL and DIL not getting along?

Actually my own MIL didn't get on with hers!! 😂

Yes! I really do. There can only ever be one alpha female and at some point there needs to be an unspoken agreement between the two - however subtle.

In years gone by it was normal for the new wife to take a more passive role in the family and the mil was the matriarch. She would of spent a life being a slave to the men folk in her family so when the new wife came along - she had to know her place!

I married DH when he was 44. No relationships, lived in his own house but everyday went ‘home’ to her for lunch including Sunday lunch. He was also at her beck and call. This all stopped when I came along, his choice. Mil loves to be the centre of attention and the family play up to it, I don’t. Suddenly his attention was elsewhere and yes, I believe it is a power thing. I dislike her as a person and from everything that has gone on am very sure she dislikes me.

You don't pick your MIL, she just comes with your DH. You're used to your DM so her ways are very familiar and you've (possibly) based some of your parenting on your DM/DF.
Your MIL is essentially a woman who has opinions, views, etc on your child and parenting and I think it's very easy to get all 'lioness'.
I love my MIL but she drives me crazy as well! She always carries a banana and cup of milk for DS, even if she is coming to ours to visit. I was really offended at first but apparently she did this with DH, SIL and BIL when they were all little so I've just let her crack on. Her ways are just a bit alien to me.

Because we have become intolerant and self absorbed. Because we have no patience, always rushing, always trying to prove we can go it alone, always feeling guilty about something and finding offence in everything.

Sorry posted too soon...

We have lost the ability to communicate effectively. There is no need for half the stuff that goes on with mil/dil. All the petty squabbles and power trips add up to become one big issue instead of tackling them properly in the beginning.

When I first met MIL I made a real effort to get along, I genuinely thought she liked me until one day when she rang my OH saying all sorts of nasty things about me, some of which would even insult my mum and my upbringing, it came completely out of nowhere and at the time when we had just moved in together and he had left home for the first time. After a year of not talking, I made an effort to try get along again (even though she refused to apologise) and we tolerated each other for a few years, so long as I bit my tongue as she insulted me in front of her friends. When my LO came along though, things got alot worse, and she would make remarks, not just little things, full blown accusations, insults and humiliating things I won't go into detail but I honestly couldn't forgive her after that and that was that. My OH was equally disguisted and now their relationship is non existent. Of course, we are wrong as they are 'family and are allowed to say things out of anger and not apologise' quote from MIL sister.
However!! I absolutely would have LOVED a MIL who adored me and my children and visa Verda, someone who I thought I could shop with and go have a bottle of wine with, my mum had that sort of relationship with her MIL and it makes me sad.
I only hope one day my future DIL if I have one, feels she can turn to me and we can become good friends.

I was having some issues with my partners mum (nothing too major and I do love her but somethings just rub me the wrong way, upset my partner and I get defensive for him but it's never come to an argument between me and her) and was ranting to my mum and my aunty who both admitted to having similar friction with their MiLs. It's an interesting relationship, a new matriarch who will be so different to your own mother, who you've suddenly got to see with similar respect to your own mother, but not have the friendship/upbringing/bond that you obviously have with your own parents.
I've just realised I have NEVER been alone with my partners mother, and assume it's the same for my mum and aunt, so I've never bonded with her one on one. Maybe that has something to do with it too?
Who knows but I am interested to hear theories!!

It takes goodwill on both sides. Dil needs to understand that MIL has her own way of doing things, and remember that she herself may be a MIL one day. MIL needs to understand that the DC are not hers, and that Ddil has done her a massive favour by giving her some dgc. Ddil is entitled to respect and consideration and that she is "top dog" re the children.

I used to get on brilliantly with mine.
But since she retired and I had DD the dynamic of our relationship has changed.

^I have lost count the number of times I have heard that. Seems to change for a lot of people when a child is born.

Practically everyone I know also doesn’t get on with their SIL

I think its a lot to do with havent children. Mine is probably one of the loveliest people you could meet, but still offers her 'opinion' on my kids when it's not asked for and it drives me mad! An example is my son was a late talker and I remember her saying we need to read to him more and we need to talk to him more he is 5 now and doesn't shut up lol
My nephew (on husbands side) is 3 soon and still doesn't say many words and she says the same to my husband about him now! Sometimes they need to learn when to be quiet lol. At the time it was really upsetting as I felt like it was something I was doing wrong!

Practically everyone I know also doesn't get on with their SIL
I've got two of them and I don't get on with either of them
Mind you, they don't get on with each other, either....

With my MIL & the rest of his family it is jealousy related. DH was 29 when I met him & never left home or fended for himself. His dad died when he was a teen & he was under some misguided sense of obligation to be the family doormat. They were happy to use & abuse him. He had a very skewed sense of priorities. Eventually he woke up & smelled the coffee, refused to continue funding them & moved in with me. All hell broke loose, I was given a load of abuse & accused of being a gold digger. (No idea how that works because I was mortgage free with my own income. ) We are now NC with them all. It was pure jealousy & greed. Personally I am very sad, because I wanted to join their family, but what can I do?

I never had a problem with mine until I had a baby. My only gripe is that she prioritises the other grandchildren over my child all the time. Spends all her time with them and then says she's too tired to see my child. And for what it's worth my child is really no trouble (yet) and I wouldn't ask her to do any nappy changes or anything like that, so it's not As if my child is hard work (yet)

I live with my mil. She’s a lovely woman very caring and kind but there are times we just cannot get along, different personalities and I like trinhs done a certain way which is different to hers.
However as much as I like her our relationship did sour a lot when I sunk into extreme PND, she helped with the baby and I’m so thankful for that but she was very dismissive of my illness.
She basically said I was putting it on and that Pnd doesnt exist.)she still doesn’t know that I nearly killed myself over my depression)
We moved past it all but it’s not been the same since.

I think its a lot to do with havent children. Mine is probably one of the loveliest people you could meet, but still offers her 'opinion' on my kids when it's not asked for and it drives me mad! An example is my son was a late talker and I remember her saying we need to read to him more and we need to talk to him more he is 5 now and doesn't shut up lol

I think this just shows how intolerant we are. One of the loveliest people you could meet drives you mad because she offers an opinion about someone she loves.

We can't change what other people think, say or do. We can only change our reaction to them. Why does it drive you mad? You could have just laughed and told her to go ahead and try, or you could have rolled your eyes and said oh yes we hadn't thought of that, or you could have just ignored. It's not what she is saying that's causing a problem it's your own lack of confidence in what you are doing.

Weird! One of my SIL is my best friend and the other is just brilliant. I rarely see her as she lives in the states so we aren't that close

I have 3 sils, I get on really well with all of them, like and respect them. I also got on really well with my mil. Feels like a weirdo

I get on pretty well with my MIL and like her, we don’t live that close so don’t get under each other’s feet, she loves DD and is awesome with her but doesn’t interfere, and probably very pertinently DH has a sort of falling out with her before I met him, he didn’t see her for two years and so I think that has resulted in everyone wanting to get along and so making the effort whilst giving everyone their space.

I actually wish we lived nearer her, she would enrich DD’s life a lot I think.

Because we have become intolerant and self absorbed. Because we have no patience, always rushing, always trying to prove we can go it alone, always feeling guilty about something and finding offence in everything.

Among other things my MIL has said racist comments to me (I’m mixed race) so I have to disagree with you there.

Mil and I are so different it is impossible. We can rub along for about a day talking about the weather etc until I want to scream. She is extremely negative and sees the worst in everything. She literally tuts and has a passive aggressive tinkly laugh. All her views are the exact opposite of mine (reading fiction is a waste of time, independent travel is dangerous madness, all Romanians are thieves etc). If you say you had a nice holiday she would immediately say how her cousin went there, it was too hot, the traffic was bad tut. It's not that we have fallen out but we just cannot get on with each other. We barely see them.

I get on fabulously with my dils and I loved my mil too.

So

We never undermine them

We never advise/criticise/

We always admire/big up/praise and have their backs

I help wen asked with babysitting and offer overnights at least once a month. I have dgc 2 days a week and we help with nursery fees too.

We book a yearly holiday with accommodation big enough to take everyone but totally their choice and that’s really meant.

We ask all for Christmas but completely accept its their choice and it’s really meant. Completely up to them. As long as they are happy

We help any way we can but we totally support their parenting choices.

@nokidshere
Speak for yourself!
My MIL has 5 children but my DH is the apple of her eye we get on superficially but she definitely dislikes the fact that her precious son married someone beautiful (she needs to be most beautiful) and that I’m from different background with my own views on parenting🤷🏽‍♀️

A quick survey of my close friends and all of them rub along ok with their MIL's. It's only on here MIL are so rotten?

My sample is relatively small of course and there are gripes but no-one I know has ever had a serious issue with their MIL.

For what it is worth I fucking adore my MIL. She and I genuinely have a friendship (We go out for dinner and drinks) but she is also a massive support and comfort to me. In a decade she has never offended me or done anything worse than suggest to my DP that we put socks on PFB as his feet felt a little cold.

She is fair, wise, observant, firm (she has 6 kids of her own!), non judgemental, open, approachable and silly!! I miss her when she goes on holiday

I have 3 sils and we are very very close.,

Ghanagirl

We need pictures of you both to judge who Is more beautiful