To not understand MIL/DIL relationships

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This isn't an anti MIL thread (there are tons of them here)
I genuinely would like to try to understand why MILs & DILs have such notoriously troublesome relationships

I used to get on brilliantly with mine.
But since she retired and I had DD the dynamic of our relationship has changed.
We are both finding our feet in our new lives and seem to be not gelling.

Her ways now get under my skin when before I could of shrugged them off. I'm holding grudges for things I would of let go before
She thinks I've become too sensitive and lost my sense of humor. I also think she thought she'd be more hands on with DD and is disappointed I don't need help.

We do both make an effort to get along for DH and DD.
Don't get me wrong although she has her flaws (like any of us) she can be great too and I do miss how we used to be.

Do you think it comes from caveman times when there could only be 1 female in charge? 😂

Seriously though why does it need to be difficult?
Why is there so many threads and stories of MIL and DIL not getting along?

Actually my own MIL didn't get on with hers!! 😂

I was close to my MIL and she was just lovely; my DIL is my son’s chosen partner and mother of my precious gc. I think it’s probably in my best interest to get on with DIL if I want to keep the love of my son and gc.
And I do get on with her - I’ve gained a daughter.

I get on really well with my MIL and really appreciated her help and advice when my 2 DS were little, we've never had cross words in 20+ years. Also get on with with 3 SILs but the 4th is v different. I'm just pleasant and polite if she wants to speak, if she doesn't that's ok too.

However DH and I leave quite a long way from the rest of the family and I think this really helps. They seem to have squabbles themselves but we're too far removed to know or see much. If someone does criticize one of the others I'll brush it off and take no notice as i don't want to be part of it.

I get I with my MIL but we are very, very different people. She would do anything for us and adores her grandchildren so I just accept that we are different. Like someone said before, how likely would it be to be best friends with a woman from another generation in any other situation.

I don't think it's just MIL/DIL relationships that are difficult though. I don't know many people who genuinely have good relationships with their families. Whether is competition between sisters, mums favouring one child, abusive fathers, fallouts over childrens behaviour, there always seems to be problems. I have often thought certain families seem really close until you actually get to know them and then all sorts of problems exist.

I get on not I get I 🙄

Mine also changed when I had a baby. Luckily they live in a different country. She constantly complains about my parenting and has never not once said anything positive about it. The only comments she has are negative. She is a self-absorbed woman and the rest of the family knows how to cope with it, but as a relative newcomer I'm just not used to it.

I have a difficult relationship with my MIL. This is because she's always tried too hard to create a mother-daughter bond with me, which I just don't want; she made it clear she thought I should call her 'Mum', which I refused to do. She's also very tactile, which I'm very uncomfortable with.

She's also always telephoned us a lot, sometimes 3 times in quick succession if my DH doesn't answer, because he's busy. He does answer in the end, but at a time which is inconvenient. I understand it, as my FIL died in a car accident back in 2003, 7 months after we got married, and she panics, thinking something might be wrong. It doesn't make it any less intrusive, though.

Conversely, I get on fine with my SIL these days. It hasn't always been easy, she has 5 DC whereas I'm infertile. She then had the nerve to tell me that she didn't agree with DH and me going through IVF because of the 'spare embryos'. The irony was, there were no embryos.

It's much better now DH and I have our 2 DDs (9 and 6, adopted). They've had sleepovers at their house with their 5 cousins, and that's made us more tolerant of our very different views. (She's also very pro-Brexit).

I think these relationships are hard because they're forced. I can't really imagine myself being close friends with either my MIL or my SIL if I hadn't married my DH. But it really does enrich my DDs' lives to have good relationships with them, so I'm happy to facilitate that.

I grew up very independent and something of a loner. My mother, a single parent, was never interested in me but it didn't bother me, I'd never known anything different. So it came as a surprise when I met my DH and fell in love, and there were these two strangers in Pringle sweaters, his parents, expecting to be involved in everything we did and insisting we should see them all the time. DH is an only child and was very much under their control - FIL shouts, MIL cries. It's thanks to MN that I now see he has been living with F.O.G. all his life. My relationship with them has been a struggle for 30+ years as I won't dance to their tune. Apart from DH we have nothing in common, and I know we're a disappointment to them. We don't provide them with enough to boast about at the golf club or the Masonic lodge. We are not wealthy enough (their measure of worth with everyone) or showy enough. Our (now adult) children now share in the guilt. MIL has always wanted far more than I can give and in a way I feel sorry for her that I can't be what she wants. I just can't force a close relationship with someone I have nothing in common with and whose principles I don't share. I went NC with her for a while when we were first married, due to her constant attention seeking and criticism - crying, saying I didn't make them welcome, they never saw us (only 3 times a week!), they felt so alone, etc etc. It was all an attempt to break me in, but it just pushed me away. It's taken a long time, and effort on both sides, but we rub along ok now and our relationship has mellowed over the years. It's strange but I'm now far more sympathetic towards them than DH, whose resentment towards them grows year on year.

My mother in law changed the day my DH (then DP) moved out. Before that we had a good relationship or so I thought. We would talk, go shopping together, she would buy in things I liked when I was going to stay at theirs (DH lived about 2 hours away from me before we moved in to our own house)

But after he moved it changed. She refused to come and visit for months. When she did come the first thing she did when she walked through the door was criticise the decorating. She criticised my engagement ring.
The dynamic changed completely.

I've always got on with in laws better than my own dm.
My mil is great and will quite happily tell dh if he's being a dick.
Sil on the other hand has a huge chip on her shoulder that I've taken her big brother away.
Always sly little comments. I've now started replying with "I thought that too when I was young" that seems to shut her up for a bit

There is something about the roles women play in the family, the power and facing up to the fact when your role changes and accepting others when they assume your role.

My MIL was very pleasant to my face but frequently passive aggressive and employed attention seeking games when we first met, moved in together and fell pregnant.
Funnily enough, towards the end of my pregnancy, my MIL's own mother, DH's much loved Granny died. The celebrant at her funeral spoke a lot about the 'passing of the baron' as MIL would become a cherished Grandma with the expected arrival of the first Grandchild.

This was 8 years ago and she really has been a great MIL and Grandma since this point - chilled, supportive, fun, kind but never intrusive.

*baton obvs

My relationship with my MIL was brilliant until we emigrated (I.E., I took her son away from her) and then we decided to have kids. She is less than enthusiastic about them and even though she only sees them a couple of time a year, for a few days at a time, they are never prioritized. It's not a problem for me, as I really don't enjoy hanging out at their house, (think Royale Family, no crack, Boring and in an awful area) but I feel very sad for DH, esp as my family are so enthusiastic and completely involved with the kids. It must be incredibly hard for him (esp as he sometimes struggles with his PIL).

I loved my MIL from very early on, though we certainly had our moments, but arriving late in dh's life when they'd given up hope of gc perhaps helped She adores ds and is wonderful with him, and as a sufferer from a very difficult MIL herself has been almost over respectful to my boundaries from the start.

She has dementia now though it's so interesting that her essential character as revealed by age and dementia is even lovelier, whereas my previously adorable DM is on the same road and revealing a much more unpleasant core.

My sIL relationships werent great in the early years but as we all enter our 50s we seem to get along much better. Sometimes the sheer length of family relationships helps.

My MIL is a very nice person. Completely different to me and painfully quiet and shy. We have never been the best of friends, but it has been very friendly and nice.

However she massively, massively favours my SIL to my DH which I find sad and this favouritism has continued to our children. So my DS is less of a priority than my nephew.

This I struggle to tolerate and we had a big falling out over it earlier this year. Things are fine now, but will never be the same for me as I know how she really feels about my child.

For what its worth, I would have loved a MIL I could have got on well with and I am sad we aren't closer.

DH & I have been together over 16 and mine & MIL’s relationship was awful to begin with, we barely tolerated each other. DH is the youngest of 3, where as I’m the oldest of 4 so he’s the Golden Child (she freely admits that) so I was always stealing her baby from her. Things were always very tense and awkward between us and it was very difficult, she would constantly pick faults with me, our home, my career, anything.

This all changed when I had DS and became less inclined to put up with her shit (sleep deprived and stressed), one day she was vile about my DM and I exploded and didn’t speak to her for over a year. Then there was a sudden bereavement on DH side and I decided to be the bigger person and went to see her, I told her in no uncertain terms what I expected from her, what I wouldn’t put up with etc and we cleared the air completely.

That was 5 years ago, we have a great relationship now, I can ring her for anything and we get on fine, there are the odd times I raise an eyebrow or bite my tongue as I’m sure she does with me but I think us clearing the air like we did was the best thing for us! I can’t say I love her like my my DM because I’d be lying, but she’s a very close second and very, very dear to me now.

Won't have a MIL and neither will my OH.

I have plenty of SILs getting the first one at 11. It was amusing when I later realised if they hadn't got on with me then they wouldn't have been my SILs' (and the same with one of my BILs'). The same thing has happened with everyone married into the family e.g. if you don't get on with children in the family then you don't become someone's spouse.

I've always had a difficult relationship with my MIL. I've been with DH since we were 16 (35 years). I think she sees DH as her property and he should behave how she wants him to as opposed to as an autonomous individual, she still see him as her child not a grown man. I get on better with a couple of her friends strangely, and they see she is difficult. I think she is probably insecure and jealous (of what I'm not sure) She is very judgmental and has always criticised my parenting, weight, choice of house etc etc... The irony is if she had been nicer to me she probably would have a better relationship with DH and GC, DH only phones her if I prompt him. I used to stress about it but as I've got older I have little to do with her and it makes life so much easier.

I love my MIL and SILs. DH’s whole family were a breath of fresh air after growing up with mine.

Our problems started when I had a baby, we got on really well for the eight years before.

S. Trooper have read and been in that same dynamic too. Where do your the one facilitating relationships between Mil and her own son... And the gc but at the same time.. Being treated awfully by Mil!

I feel like a fool! A decade of gentle reminders to contact pils or pop in, spend that extra 10 on a better gift etc. Suggesting we invite them to dc parties (which they ruined). But on the evil dil who has taken away the ds who doesn't like to be around them.

I have a good relationship with DIL. We see each other independently of DS often. Meet up for lunch and coffee and have been away together. I learnt early on that it wasn't my place to interfere or pass judgment and I guess I do keep quiet when occasionally I don't agree with something DS or DIL are doing or saying. My mantra is to smile and nod.

DH thinks I'm a pushover where DIL is concerned sometimes and he will speak up if he doesn't agree with her but that's his choice I guess!

I love my mil and my sil. They are wonderful people. Sure, we have our differences and some rough times but dh has rock solid boundaries and they are good people at heart so we always move on.

Mine is fine as long as we do things her way and listen to her give out.
Op you sound very similar to me. Except I needed a bit more help after baby was born and she left me high and dry. I wouldn't have minded if she hadn't promised help. Or said that she really wanted a granddaughter.
2.5years later things are still tense (I flipped the lid one day with her which led to months of her crying and me verging on nervous breakdown/ divorce).
I don't want a close relationship with her now. As long as she isn't a dick with my kids I'll be happy.... (not always the case)

I thunk our issues started when we got married. I wanted to do the wedding stuff myself as I love wedding bits, I had planned and looked for years. She wanted to run the show.
But anytime she was asked to help or participate she wouldn't.
Sat the whole day with a face on her.

No one should think of themselves as queen or indeed king of any family.

Getting on well with mil/dil needs tact, tolerance mutual respect and just kindness.

I respect my sons choices of partners as I accept my dds. I don’t interfere and but am there if needed.

I adore my DGC but I don’t want to
Parent them.

I have one sil who although lovely has her grandkids every weekend all weekend. Drives bil insane as he wants some peace and quiet.

She can’t let go. Her one dd moved away but this one is quite happy to dump her kids onto her mum. Crazy

I have a good relationship with my MIL. There are things that annoy me about her but things annoy me about everyone. She would give you the shirt off her back and is very considerate. She gives of her time and made it very clear in the beginning when dc were born that I would have my own way of doing things. If she babysit in our house she will always find a wee housework task to do which used to feel like she was saying my house was filthy (it's just untidy) but she says she would do the same at her MIL 's house and is just keeping on top of things. She sometimes speaks before she thinks which can upset me as I take everything to heart.i have been prickly with her in the past when she's said or done things that have annoyed me but she is always there when we need her and has been a great granny to my children.
The only real niggles I have are she doesn't really listen well and you have to nearly snap your fingers in front of her to make sure she is listening and she came sometimes overstep into what I call "mum" territory where I gently remind her that she has raised her own children and this is my job...decision...etc. She takes it all very well and we do socialise away from dh and children.