To not understand MIL/DIL relationships

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This isn't an anti MIL thread (there are tons of them here)
I genuinely would like to try to understand why MILs & DILs have such notoriously troublesome relationships

I used to get on brilliantly with mine.
But since she retired and I had DD the dynamic of our relationship has changed.
We are both finding our feet in our new lives and seem to be not gelling.

Her ways now get under my skin when before I could of shrugged them off. I'm holding grudges for things I would of let go before
She thinks I've become too sensitive and lost my sense of humor. I also think she thought she'd be more hands on with DD and is disappointed I don't need help.

We do both make an effort to get along for DH and DD.
Don't get me wrong although she has her flaws (like any of us) she can be great too and I do miss how we used to be.

Do you think it comes from caveman times when there could only be 1 female in charge? 😂

Seriously though why does it need to be difficult?
Why is there so many threads and stories of MIL and DIL not getting along?

Actually my own MIL didn't get on with hers!! 😂

Ghanagirl and thatwouldbe

I was talking about both parties not just dils. People in general.

In my circle of 4 close friends not one gets on with their mils!

Mind you none of them have dils yet and I think there may be trouble there. I await to see with relish as they all think their sons are perfect. I never thought that about my 4 lads I was grateful any woman took them

Ah right nokidshere, fair enough. I’ll tolerate most stuff for the DH’s sake but the racism is a nope from me (as I’m sure it would be for DH but she never says the racist stuff in front of him funnily enough...)

I honestly get on better with MIL than my own mum. Probably because our personalities are different. Don't get me wrong, we've had the odd spat but we respect each other, she doesn't interfere and is happy to tell her sons when they're being idiots or not nice. She's done loads for us and I'd do anything I can for her. DS adores her.

I get on with my SILs - one a bit better than the others but that's more to do with things in common.

I get on great with my mil, I think that's partly because her mil was a cow and she vowed she'd never be like that and secondly because she'd given up on having grandchildren and I've provided her with 3. I've also stood back from being critical about my Dil, although she's a lovely girl and she's given me no cause to want to interfere in the way she is with my son and grandson.

I'm a Pollyanna who sees the best in everyone and would never pick a fight etc, but my MIL is difficult by anyone's standards. It's not a classic 'You're not good enough for my precious son' scenario - more of an 'I have this anxiety that my son's not what I want him to be and that you won't make him that way'. I think 'being impressive' is very important to her, and I don't have a boast-worthy job and I didn't go to Oxbridge or a private school.

I do my best with her - she can be very likeable and her advice can be very good, and other times she can be hurtful and manipulative. It's helped to realise she's like that with everyone, even her best friends, it's not especially personal.

I don't like her being so difficult in part because I hate living in such a cliched scenario and I hate drama.

Personally I think people get too involved in each others lives, they treat in laws like their own relatives - and by that I mean in a negative way, being rude, thoughtless, entitled, pushy, bossy. You take this from your blood relatives because you have a bond and love each other. That bond isn't there for in laws so when they act over familiar you don't forgive them for it.

Families would get on getter if in laws where less familiar and more like friends.

Having children definitely changed our relationship; I always got on with my mil very well then after DD was born I found it very hard to manage someone else feeling they had a “right” to my DD and putting their views across. I could be blunt with my mum but not mil. Luckily my Dh did some boundary setting and she’s now able to make suggestions without me feeling bombarded and without her feeling constantly shot down

My MIL is much easier to get along with than my DM, it's my SIL (DBs partner) I feel sorry for, my DM tries to take over with DN and their lives in a way she has long realised won't happen with me. We get along great because she knows my boundaries and I let her get away with some things that irritate a bit but are not worth the battle. MIL is just lovely, involved but not too much so, and has a busy social life with FIL, she dotes on DH (only child) but not in a smothery way and she's just happy we're happy. She had a very controlling MIL of her own who she will occasionally tell me horror stories about, so I think she really gets the need for balance.

Mismatched expectations mostly I imagine. Also people are different. Ive had relationships (friends, work colleagues, family members) with people, when after a significant life change e.g. family, marriage, job change, house move, the relationship has changed and we’ve grown apart or lost touch completely. Your differences are clearer. Your personalities may have adjusted with the changes in your lives and things you did have in common you no longer do. With family you are always linked when friendships or extended family relationships may naturally have drifted apart. I think that’s when clashes in personality become more obvious.

Meh. I swear for every one person I know with a genuinely difficult MIL, I know three who just thrive on the bloody drama.

I love my MIL, she made and raised my wonderful husband and did a cracking job of it. She thinks I was the making of her son. Not a cross word in the 26 years she's been in my life, although living 3 hours away probably helps. Some women just have to compete with other women all the time. I'm not one of them and neither is she.

I have four DC. Two DIL and two Son-in Law. I tell everyone just to do whatever makes them happy. I have zero expectations. If I see them and DGC it's a lovely surprise. We all have busy lives and we make time for each other when we can. We meet for brunch. We never go on holiday together. We don't have keys to each other's homes. We don't turn up without a call first. I don't post pictures of the DGC on Facebook. I didn't go to the hospital as soon as the babies were born. I love and respect my family and we all get on very well because we don't live in each other's pockets.

Maybe I'm lucky but I get on with my SIL well too, although we are quite different in a lot of ways

My mil has a heart that’s in the right place but she won’t let dh go. He’s 30, we’re married with a baby and she gives him constant grief because he doesn’t see her all of the time. She seeks constant reassurance that he won’t become estranged (we’ve been together 10 years and still in touch).
She has a huge case of empty nest syndrome which I get but he’s been moved out 7 years and therefore I think she thought she was going to ‘mother’ dd but just like I don’t need my own mums help, I don’t need hers. According to relatives we’re trying to cut her out of our lives, but in reality we’re just trying to live our lives.

I adored my late MIL, she was 10x the woman my own Mother was. I nursed her through her last months of cancer and would give anything to have had more time with her.

She also taught me how to be a good MIL, and in turn I get on brilliantly with my DILs

Really interesting thread. In my case it is my DM (and DF) who I struggle to get on with. Although occasionally I struggle with my MIL on the whole I think she is great. Also love my SIL.

Like so many others it changed when Inhad children, in particular my second child. I wish I could understand why as it is really upsetting to me. I think partly (mainly?) it is the unsolicited advice, the unnecessary worrying, and the blatent disapproval of our parenting at times.

We have such a superficial relationship now and it makes me really sad.

I'd love to understand too tbh! I got on brilliantly with mine, only one hiccup in the 5 years dh and I were together before I got pregnant. Then she just did a u turn

It started small, making statements or telling me that she did it this way or giving me her opinions and pushing me to 'discuss' things and making me feel like I had to defend both my personal life choices and decisions dh and I had made about baby (always done when dh was out of the room!)
Then she made DDs first week fucking hellish, it was bad enough already but she reduced dh to tears on numerous occasions. Had a sulk and refused to see DD for over a week. Never apologised for any of it.

Had an incident involving now toddler DDs allergies and mil last month and she hasn't apologised for the mistake itself or her behaviour afterwards (dismissing dds allergies, not immediately telling me when they got home, getting in my face when I needed a moment to just breath) so I give up. I will be polite when I see her and I'll miss the relationship we had before I got pregnant but I can't relax around her any more.

I used to get on really well with mine and was really keen for her to be a grandmother to my dc as hadn’t had grandparents as a child. However she is barely interested in my dc but is actively involved with her daughter’s children. I now have to protect my children from noticing this. Her loss as she’s losing her son over it as he is hurt.

I am closer to my MIL than I am my own mum. But I do see how relationships get fraught - I think society has a preconceived idea that we shouldn't get along with our MILs too so that doesn't help

My MIL & her mother both hate me, I’m pretty sure they’ve hated me since OH spoke my name.

They’ve made no effort to get to know me as a person, build a relationship with me or treat me with respect.

I get passive aggressive comments in their presence, they do anything to stab me in the back & are such narcs they can’t see beyond their own noses.

I’ve tried, I tried even after my MIL was successful in getting my OH to abandon me in hospital seriously ill at 32 weeks pregnant.

I have nothing to do with them now. I don’t go to theirs, they don’t come to mine. I don’t help OH with any of their problems as his MIL proved she is perfectly capable.

This is our relationship, why should I try anymore with these vile, selfish people? OH goes up twice a week, DC once or twice a fortnight but I am done.

If my DC ever have partners I will NOT behave this way. I will make an effort to get to them as a person. & I will let them have a life of their own instead of messaging pretty much every hour as I’m not that selfish of a person that I actually have friends & my own life instead of trying to control someone’s own.

I adore my MIL she is awesome and we go away together. We get each other and if anything our relationship got stronger after I had ds. I think it helps somewhat that my dh and fil are quite similar so she can have a moan about fil to me in a way she can't to her daughters. My SIL's are all lovely and I'm friendly with all of them. Really lucky, although I wonder if our relationship would be different if my dm was still alive, I suspect not as we have a lot in common. But I wouldn't change her for the world and it will break me for some time when the inevitable happens. She is also a top notch Grandma.

I think people's expectations are too high. And women forget that their mil's main relationship are with the dh and the children. They are the ones who have all the shared history. Aim for cordiality. Any more is a bonus. You aren't really likely to become best buddies with a woman you meet at random who is from a different generation, maybe different background, different interests different everything. You're lucky if you do- not unlucky if you don't.

I agree - things have always gone best when we ask nothing of them and have extremely low expectations. Pulling out of the one childcare weekend we have ever asked for and really really needed with a laughable excuse was a low point.

Don't think it's usual though both my sisters and many friends have great Mils and get on really well. I definitely get mil envy!

I need to go back and RTWT but wanted to say

a) I love my SIL to bits! She’s awesome, and I regularly think of her and wish we could see each other more often (we live in different countries). Yes, we don’t agree on everything, and our parenting style is quite different too, but we she’s fantastic fun, and a super person, and I wish I could spend more time with her.

b) I love my MIL to bits! She drives me absolutely barmy, but she’s the loveliest, kindest person, and despite being completely bonkers, she’s always the first to offer to help, and nothing is ever too much trouble. I care about her very much indeed, and I call her for a chat every few days (dh calls separately too, I’m not covering for him) and we do a lot of things to make her life easier, because she does so much for us and the dcs. Like I said, she’s bonkers, and I sometimes have to take several very deep breaths and let things go, but she’s always supportive and loving and we are very lucky to have her 😀

I think it's biological. As a Mother, your instinct is to protect your baby but you're expected to entrust it to some random woman....who isn't your own blood relative.