To not understand MIL/DIL relationships

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This isn't an anti MIL thread (there are tons of them here)
I genuinely would like to try to understand why MILs & DILs have such notoriously troublesome relationships

I used to get on brilliantly with mine.
But since she retired and I had DD the dynamic of our relationship has changed.
We are both finding our feet in our new lives and seem to be not gelling.

Her ways now get under my skin when before I could of shrugged them off. I'm holding grudges for things I would of let go before
She thinks I've become too sensitive and lost my sense of humor. I also think she thought she'd be more hands on with DD and is disappointed I don't need help.

We do both make an effort to get along for DH and DD.
Don't get me wrong although she has her flaws (like any of us) she can be great too and I do miss how we used to be.

Do you think it comes from caveman times when there could only be 1 female in charge? 😂

Seriously though why does it need to be difficult?
Why is there so many threads and stories of MIL and DIL not getting along?

Actually my own MIL didn't get on with hers!! 😂

I really wanted to have a good relationship with my MIL and on the surface we did - but only because I was very good at biting my tongue. She honestly just thought that her way was the best or only way, was extremely opinionated (even if she knew nothing at all about the topic) and bossy as well as very nosy and judgemental. She would do things like tell me "babies dont like to be rocked like that, they prefer it like this" even though I clearly knew what worked for my baby. I think she was just a very anxious and image conscious person and liked to be in control. She was generous and loved her sons and grandbabies, but she was not at all pleasant to spend time with. And yet since her death 18 months ago, i do find that i miss her quite a lot. She drove me mad but she had a good heart and its not fair that she is missing out on seeing her grandkids grow up.

WOW to so many replies.
I guess it is down to personalities and life experiences with some pre-historic genetics too.

Just wondering to those who have no/minimal issues is this because one or both of you is more easy going?

I know me and my MIL are quite similar in personality (stubborn, loyal, headstrong,etc) but very different in how we see things and values (Shes quite misogynistic where I'd be a strong feminist)
We live right next door which was fine when both of us were working.
But now she's retired and I'm on maternity leave it's very different.
She does try not to intrude but it's very obvious when she doesn't agree or isn't happy about something and we do have to bend to please her.

A little distance would be better in our situation I think.
Seeing each other a couple of times a week rather than 3/4 times a day 😂😬

I think the best MIL are ones with jobs/hobbies/friends. When a MIL life revolved around the son til he met you, you get blamed for him seeing her less, then GC comes and she wants to relive her parenting years to take up her time. My MIL calls herself mummy and constantly tells us we are wrong and she knows best. She didn't believe our son had a allergic reaction and he ended up in Hospital! She also said there is no need for car seats as her children didn't have them! Anyone who knows my username knows she's done ALOT! But both myself, husband and FIL said if she had a life of her own there would be no issues. FIL has friends and hobbies but she just stays home waiting for our weekly visits and that's where the problems come from! She over thinks and thinks of reasons to let herself in/ come round when we don't want her to.

I honestly think some of this is a generational (I emphasise not necessarily an age relayed thing.. more of a paradigm of social norms from the previous generation) and if course not specific to everyone

I'm generation x ...brought up culturally through my peers to be self sufficient focused which I suspect is both positive and dynamic but also can lead to self absorption

Whereas my Exmil and my dmum were the baby boomers....which were "it takes a village" mentality and on the negative cross hair more entitled and expectant over a role within families

It's led to myself being very focused on my personal responsibilities and requirements for my family , I've been and am both the main wage earner and the main child carer

I culturally take the alpha role in my house and it's not as much within my paradigm of peer learning to devolve that role to my ex mil
She for the same reasons had an expectation of being the matriarch

Given she and I are both outspoken and stubborn it led to bad feeling and problems

To be fair she is also genuinely bat shit crazy but I'm woman enough to admit I wasn't an easy dil

My DP mum is very different but we are both Welsh and have a pre set up understanding ...which is rare

I honestly think it is sometimes societal expectations , mixed communication and sometimes one or both is Batshit

I think the best MIL are ones with jobs/hobbies/friends.

Definitely agree! A gives a bit of distance and perspective.

I know me and my MIL are quite similar in personality (stubborn, loyal, headstrong,etc) but very different in how we see things and values (Shes quite misogynistic where I'd be a strong feminist)

I think my relationship with my MIL is so good partly because we're quite alike in how we see things and values.

And I was brought up from 7 by my grandparents (my parents were violent with drug and alcohol issues) who had a very strong "it takes a village" mentality and I have that as well. Some people here would be horrified at how often my MIL is in our house or sees the kids because it would be too much. Whereas I love it because I love that my kids have a similar closeness as I had with my GPs, but they also have parents as well.

Also we're both very good at giving advice, but not being offended if it's not taken. So if my MIL says "What about trying X?" I can try X, not try X, discount X completely and it's not a slight against her advice, nor is her suggesting it a slight against me.

I don't have a MIL, DHs DM died when he was a teenager but I really think I would have gotten on well with her, apparently his sister and her are very alike and I adore his sister. I was never married before this time but I did have an ex I was with for a few years and I got on well with his mother (better than I got on with him actually)

Lalalalyra, your post made me weep. Your not quite MiL sounds amazing. And you're not so shabby, either.

My MIL was lovely. I got on much better with her than with my own mum - much more in common with her too.

Bluelady - she's wonderful. Honestly. She's the strongest person I've ever met. I don't think I'd be an ounce as classy as she is if I had to see someone else doing my child's role.

Do you know what? I think you would. You're pretty damn classy now.

That's really kind of you, thanks.

And she's just offered to take my two "bored because it's boring" teenage girls off my hands for the day tomorrow so I love her even more than I did this morning!!

This is interesting. I'm quite happy with my life but one of my greatest woes is how my previously great relationship with my MIL changed once children came along. Perhaps she doesn't see it that way but inwardly I get so sad and angry.
Now I feel she invalidates my feelings. She seems to lack empathy with how hard I find mothering at times as she herself said that she didn't find it overwhelming at all. My PND was dismissed as drama by my FIL. Every summer holiday she gives masses of attention and childcare for her dd yet I feel like I'm asking the world just for an hour to myself. She thinks her way and opinion is always the right way. Talks about herself or random meaningless stuff and won't ask about my life.
How could it have gone from what we had to me feeling this way. Perhaps I'm part of the issue. I just don't know.

My mil is awful.
She's fallen out with all her family , divorced FIL, fell out with friends and DH has, for the past year, has had no contact with her (I haven't spoken to her for years).

I get on OK with my MIL. She is nice Enough but just not the type of person I would have a close relationship with. She loves my DD though and for that she is always welcome into my home and, when she and FIL stay, I do my best to ensure they have a lovely time.

Just after DD was born ILs seemed to think that they could come to ours once every 3 weeks for a free mini break. They never so much as brought a packet of tea bag. They really wanted to have all the fun of the newborn but without the hassle of getting up to help out at night or have their meal go cold whilst they rocked a crying baby to sleep. We felt out with them over that (it is much more involved than this) as my family and friends were very good with taking care of us, as new parents, whilst ILs seemed to think they were on holiday!

Things have got better and it helps that we have moved to a bigger house so their visits are not so pressured. Also, ILs used to just walk into our previous house without knocking as it was DP’s house. They seemed to ignore the fact it was my home as well. With the new house they now knock.

I wish my ILs lived more locally as they would be able to see DD more frequently.

My MIL has never had a job or any hobbies so her only source of recognition and indeed power, was in the home. Her dream would be to have all her DCs at home until old age, but failing that she would rather have DILs who can't boil an egg, don't pull their weight at home etc. She doesn't want her sons to be happy, she wants them to be with women she can feel superior to. It kills her that I'm competent around the house and my DH loves my cooking, but also because I'm a SAHM like her she can't even complain that I should be at home with the children.

By contrast, my own DM, whilst by no means perfect, couldn't give two hoots about the state of her DILs houses (nor would she see it as their sole job to clean them), and doesn't pride herself on what a good cook, housewife, mum she is. She is pleased that my DBs are happy. Her DILs feel welcomed by her.

I adore my MIL, she’s caring, sweet and an absolute godsend for not DD’s.

I also adore one of my SIL’s she’s been the making of my brother, yes I have little jealousy because they’re living the best life in America but I’m proud of her and how she’s inspired my brother to do better.

My other SIL.. Well she enables my BIL to be a complete shit to his children. We see them more than he does. She gets my back up.

*for my DD’s

I liked, respected and thought I got on well with my ex-Mil. Once I divorced her son however I was dropped like a hot brick. That's ok though as she still gets to see her DGcs and fawns over his his adulterous new bit. Seems like It was all an act. 20 years of it, quite the actress!

I do realise MILs aren't all like that but I'm actually genuinely hurt and shocked by her fakery.

Thank god for that Crunchymum, I was beginning to think we MIl were monsters.It would break my heart to have the relationships described here. A Relationship with your daughters is very different than with your daughters in law and takes a completely different approach. All the families are great parents and I wouldn't dream of criticising them. I make no demands on their time or children and am available when asked. I find it hard to believe how awful you describe these women. Are you really all saints working at a harmonious relationship?

My mil told me she didn't like me the first time I met her.
She broke into my flat, (through a window!) , I owned it DH had just moved in, to "sit me down and tell me how it was going to work".

She was surprised when DH brought up about a booking we had made for the wedding because she "thought he was joking about us being engaged" .
I could go on but wont bore you.
Some people just aren't nice, or easy to get on with, or completely sane.
It doesn't mean the DIL is refusing to work at a harmonious
relationship.

@Confusedbeetle

Obviously posters are not entirely objective when describing their relationships with their MILs. But that doesn't mean that the MILs are not as bad as they are saying. If you don't believe that, you should take a look at the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships Board, and you will discover just how toxic some people can be.

@lalalalyra , you sound incredibly blessed in the MIL department, twice over. Something to aspire to!

When I first met mine I thought she was wonderful.

On the surface she was much more centred and family oriented; very likeable and easy to talk to. She had lots of nice friends, visited lots of nice places and was just nice .
I willingly joined dh in giving up my free time to help out with younger members of the family, everything - bearing in mind she had/has a very hands-on and helpful husband. I think while I was useful I could be included. DH paid them a ridiculously high rent just out of uni while other adult siblings paid nothing and he was basically her designated driver and helper on trips out (we paid for ourselves). Her rude reaction to our subsequent engagement and lacklustre attitude at our wedding hurt dh a lot. It wasn’t imagined, she was quite vocal! Same with our children. We’re just not ‘enough’.

In fact she reminded me recently that I basically took her oldest son away from her, while waxing lyrical about her other (adult) children and their offspring.

Poor dh. She is extremely blinkered to the fact that dh is well aware of how low a rung he occupies on the family ladder (hint: it’s below the dog) and acts the proper martyr.

We don’t my much of a relationship. Mine is quite unkind, my dh is the golden child but his poor sister is treated badly at times and her two daughters are starting to get stick from her too, particularly the elder as she’s become a young teenager. She convinced my SIL that she was struggling with her girls so she could look after them when they were babies, I suspect her mother did the same to her as my dh said they spent a lot of their childhood at their nan’s due to his mum’s ‘nerves’ even though MIL never worked and therefore was home during the day.

She vary rarely has a kind word to say about anyone and will pick at anything she sees as a weakness until she gets a reaction. She’s very self centred and struggles to make conversation as she keeps diverting it back to her, but has very little to actually say as she doesn’t really have friends or any hobbies. I feel quite sorry for her as she doesn’t have much of a life these days.

I manage to get away with seeing her only a few times a year but am dreading what she’s going to be like when we have children, she had my SILs girls from when they were tiny babies and I’m not intending to be separated from mine for a good long while (no criticism, just a different parenting style), which I’m sure will be a bone of contention. She’s already told my DH that she’s sad she won’t have much to do with his children, despite us not having any! My DH has good boundaries so I’m hoping it will work out ok, although I’m sure there’s lots more she’s said to him that he wouldn’t tell me as he knows it would wind me up. I do try but we have so little in common we don’t have much to say to each other. It’s a shame as my relationship with my DM has been challenging at times (although good now) and I always wanted a really motherly mum figure so I had high hopes for my MIL.