To not understand MIL/DIL relationships

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This isn't an anti MIL thread (there are tons of them here)
I genuinely would like to try to understand why MILs & DILs have such notoriously troublesome relationships

I used to get on brilliantly with mine.
But since she retired and I had DD the dynamic of our relationship has changed.
We are both finding our feet in our new lives and seem to be not gelling.

Her ways now get under my skin when before I could of shrugged them off. I'm holding grudges for things I would of let go before
She thinks I've become too sensitive and lost my sense of humor. I also think she thought she'd be more hands on with DD and is disappointed I don't need help.

We do both make an effort to get along for DH and DD.
Don't get me wrong although she has her flaws (like any of us) she can be great too and I do miss how we used to be.

Do you think it comes from caveman times when there could only be 1 female in charge? 😂

Seriously though why does it need to be difficult?
Why is there so many threads and stories of MIL and DIL not getting along?

Actually my own MIL didn't get on with hers!! 😂

Mil/DiL relationships work just fine as long as one of you isnt a cunt.
This a million times

Mil/DiL relationships work just fine as long as one of you isnt a cunt.

I saw that yesterday and nodded to it. Sums it up very well.

Generational differences account for a lot along with conditional love that can soon be worn thin. Daily mail has a lot to do with the wearing thin bit in my case. Just the whole dm outlook. Toxic opinions about every sector if society instead of seeing the joy in life

I can't speak for anybody else but my relationship with my MIL is...ok. However it has weathered over three decades:

• her menopause
• her leaving her career (by choice) which gave her a huge sense of self-worth
• cancer in both generations and treatment
• fertility problems and treatment
• children

and each time there's been a big life event she's shown herself to be egotistical and just lacking in some way that's really not impressive. The rest of the time she's pretty kind and can be very loving and generous but you know when the chips are down...she can't do it. She becomes hugely ego-driven and slightly cruel if you don't toe her line and actually fawn. So that's not great.

I in my turn am never, ever going to properly fawn over anyone on principle (unless they are actually amazing, some people are!), and I don't take all that well to huge egos. So we're incompatible on that score. DH is far more like me and his life has been one of managing her expectations with a nice smile rather than engaging on her level. I have over the years learned from him how to do that but occasionally it gets to me.

What I'm saying is faults on both sides but all I have evidence of is her egregious behaviour. And all she has is her evidence of mine. For all that, we get on ok most of the time!

Not sure about the “one of them being an arsehole” (I don’t use the word cunt so I’ve had to translate). If one person is an arsehole then it’s obvious what’s gone wrong and there are fairly obvious ways forward. But I don’t think it is usually a. case of pure arsholery. I think sometimes it’s misunderstanding, families doing things in different ways, thoughtlessness, feeling left out, “tug of love”’ and genuine but misplaced concern about the welfare of children (my mother was utterly terrified that my babies would fall out of the slings I used but was so determined not to criticize that she went incredibly silent and tight lipped whenever I used one- I felt very unsettled until I finally asked her what the problem was. I probably wouldn’t have bothered asking my mil- I would have just decided she was a judgemental old boot)

Another common one on Mumsnet is the use of “my baby” grating on people. Both my mother and mil said this, and l actually likes it- I like the idea of babies being part of a wider family. But if you are a “my little family” type I can see why this would be incredibly annoying. Just different ways of doing things.

Anyway. Down with all arseholes.

I’ll chip in - I have two DMILs and they are really great!! I often think DH has the tougher deal, as much as I love my own mum very dearly she is not laid back just like me and we have quite a complex relationship.

It’s very easy with DMIL and DStepMIL, we can chat about all sorts, they’re both really welcoming and made me feel at home way before I married DH. I try help around the house when we visit (both have teen DC at home and I feel for them!) and we have lots of shared interests.

Admittedly we don’t have kids and don’t plan to - DH has Crohns and a heart condition, and I have MH issues, PCOS and a serious lack of desire for kids. I think DMIL feels a little sad about it, but she completely understands why and we have had deep conversations about womanhood and emotional labour and all sorts. She’s really like a second mum.

DStepMIL is very cool and enjoys a party and probably has a more exciting social life than I do she is so fun to be around and we both love bright colours and fashion. Different dynamics visiting them both but I love them equally and I do hope t stays that way over the years.

One of the saddest MiL relationships I've ever seen was my aunt and her SiL. She was kind, generous, funny, vivacious, bubbly, joyous, flirtatious and a total life enhancer. My uncle and cousin both adored her. Her SiL couldn't stand her and was utterly vile to her. I suspect he couldn't bear that she was the centre of attention wherever she went.

I can't disagree with you BertrandRussell. There's many factors that contribute to whether a relationship will work or not. I feel being the older and more experienced woman that I give DIL more leeway and often where I would normally say something ( in a similar situation but with a friend or even a different relative) I keep quiet and let things slide. Our relationship is good on the whole thankfully.

I wouldn't say the my baby thing though. After reading some of the posts on here regarding how much DILs hate it, it has well and truly put me off. I might say it when DIL isn't around though

'My baby' doesnt bother me at all. 'DC looks like everyone in our side of the family and nothing like you' despite photographs and the rest of the world telling me dds are my mini mes. That bothers me. Because its said onlt to hurt and separate me from my own kids and them.

"I wouldn't say the my baby thing though."
I have rued to stop saying it to my tribe of great nieces and nephews- it had never crossed my mind it might upset anyone. One of my happiest memories is my mum coming through my front door and calling "Where's my girl!" and dd flying down the stairs shouting "Here I am! Here I am!"

Another thing that I think sometimes gets forgotten is the "blood relation" thing. No, of course your mil is not your blood relation-but she is your children's. I think some of the problems with physical intimacy arise because Thai is forgotten.

Thai is forgotten?
That's lovely what you said about your mum saying where's my girl. Actually made me a bit tearful. Don't get me wrong I am very tactile with my GC and have little names etc but I'm just mindful of not overstepping boundaries. DIL and I always have a hug when she's leaving too, same with DS.

The primeval love that nearly every mother feels for the child they gave birth to. The instinctual protection that the mother gives to the offspring as she nurtures them through life.

The joy watching the offspring she gave birth to, protected, nurtured, let go into life - having their own offspring. Remembering that absolute love she felt herself.

It's just instinct and love - the same a DIL feels for her own baby.

I'm not there yet - DS is 16 - I hope one day I have a DIL and GC.

I would love them more than I've loved anything before.
And maybe therein lies the problem...too much love.

Well, I suppose forgetting the Thai could cause tensions if everyone gets hungry......

It makes me feel a little weepy too. My mum in her tweed coat, and dd all flying red curls. They loved each other very much.

Lovely memories Bert ❤️

Hateis-I think that is a. Wet important post in this context. You don't stop feeling that fierce protective love even when they are grown up. I think the "They've had their turn" posters forget that sometimes. I have never felt such primal hate as I feel towards the man who was abusive to my adult dd. I genuinely think I could have killed him. I sonetimes think that the parents of young children think that the parental feelings switch off when your child becomes an adult. They don't. You just have to suppress them somehow.

A very important post. Not wet.

I feel being the older and more experienced woman that I give DIL more leeway and often where I would normally say something

Or you could actually be wrong. Or it could simply be a neutral difference where there is no right or wrong.

Giving someone "leeway" implies you assume degree of authority, ownership and entitlement which simply isn't there.

DCiL/PiL relationships can only work by mutual consent and most of the time they do. I do think people (in both generations) can expect too much of the relationship. As with most things, low expectations are less likely to lead to disappointment.

Watching and helping my 76 year old grandma rush to be by my dads side this week after a serious illness hospitalised him, I KNOW maternal feelings do not end aged 18. The same love and worry will always exist as lomg as mother/father and offspring live. I dont think many people could ever have an issue with that, I certainly don't. My issue is that my mil is controlling to the point that she feels she has ownership over my dc and tries to distance my family and me. She also wants to do all of the wonderful parts of parenting young children with her gc and resents stepping aside so that we as parents can experience it. She wants to be able to tell me what to do and treats me like a petulant child when I nod and smile then do my own thing.

*The primeval love that nearly every mother feels for the child they gave birth to. The instinctual protection that the mother gives to the offspring as she nurtures them through life.

The joy watching the offspring she gave birth to, protected, nurtured, let go into life - having their own offspring. Remembering that absolute love she felt herself.*

This is all well and good but then why don't MILs and sons-in-law have the same dynamic? There's something else - some women feel they are being "replaced" by the wife and especially once children arrive it just snaps something in their brains.

I think part of the issue is the expectation that "the women" should all get along nicely. There's much less pressure on husbands to embrace the wife's parents and do stuff with them.

There was one mil on here recently moaning that she wasn't invited wedding dress shopping. It's the expectation that the other woman should be hospitable that probably grates with a lot of people.

I completely disagree that husbands are under less pressure to embrace their wives' families and do things with them. In fact I think it's the reverse. Maternal grandparents seem to be seen as more important with the paternal ones taking second place.

The paternal ones may be seen to take second place but who is the pressure generally placed on to ensure this doesn’t happen?

I still think all the above can still be summed up in ‘dont be a cunt’

Tolerance, the ability to keep your mouth shut when it should be shut, be there when needed and step back when not. Friendly warm loving and accepting.

It’s not hard. It really shouldn’t be.

I still think all the above can still be summed up in ‘dont be a cunt’

Yes but for some reason - based on this thread and many others and my friends in real life - MILs feel it's OK for them to criticize their DILs in a way that doesn't happen in any other in-law relationship. Something about this dynamic brings out the cunt in a significant portion of women.

Interesting. DD and her MIL have recently had a trial of strength, nothing major, but DD won as I would have expected. Her MIL respects her now. The really important bit came earlier this week when DSIL stood up to her. He won that one as well, so that's that sorted. She's a lovely woman, but she's got a bit of a character, to put it politely. Now we can all go forward with cheerfully observed boundaries. Yay!