To not understand MIL/DIL relationships

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This isn't an anti MIL thread (there are tons of them here)
I genuinely would like to try to understand why MILs & DILs have such notoriously troublesome relationships

I used to get on brilliantly with mine.
But since she retired and I had DD the dynamic of our relationship has changed.
We are both finding our feet in our new lives and seem to be not gelling.

Her ways now get under my skin when before I could of shrugged them off. I'm holding grudges for things I would of let go before
She thinks I've become too sensitive and lost my sense of humor. I also think she thought she'd be more hands on with DD and is disappointed I don't need help.

We do both make an effort to get along for DH and DD.
Don't get me wrong although she has her flaws (like any of us) she can be great too and I do miss how we used to be.

Do you think it comes from caveman times when there could only be 1 female in charge? 😂

Seriously though why does it need to be difficult?
Why is there so many threads and stories of MIL and DIL not getting along?

Actually my own MIL didn't get on with hers!! 😂

I've had two MIL. The current experience is quite a lot better than the first. In fact the horror of the first probably means I'm a lot more forgiving with the second's occasional issues.

Current MIL not planning on divorcing DH btw and I have had a head butting contest since the DC have come along, though its made the relationship better in the long run. The only outstanding issue is her complete preference to BIL, his wife and now their DC. This is largely dealt with by us becoming not available when they're around. Its one thing for DH to suck that up, but the DC don't need to be subjected to it.

Having said that my relationship with my DM is now non existent. Since having DC I take less shit.

It all seems so one-sided, MIL has to pussy-foot around not offending the delicate flower her son is with! I'm sure that many DILs are a nightmare, for example it seems only ever 'her' opinion regarding children because she's done the 'hard' work, surely the father should have a 50% say, each one did something the other couldn't have done alone!
Reading some mothers' attitude to their little Prince, I would bet they'll be horrendous MILs.
As far as my Mother and to a lesser extent MIL were concerned, they were told from the start that only two opinions counted and neither was her's!

The issue I suppose is that a lot of parents struggle to realise that the person their child has married isn't their child. Just because someone is your DIL doesn't mean you should actually treat her like she is your daughter, not at first anyway. There is usually a settling in period when people get used to each other and erect boundaries. If this goes fine and everyone remains reasonable throughout then the ILs relationship with the couple steadily improve over time, if not, all that is when issues arise. Obviously changes like a new baby can easily upset the equilibrium and you find yourself almost staring over with the setting boubrdies wtcm

I think it's biological. As a Mother, your instinct is to protect your baby but you're expected to entrust it to some random woman....who isn't your own blood relative

Typifies the problem. This isn't about you, the mother, this is about a child who has as much of the MIL's blood as it does of your mother's!

Because if DH likes his mum, then maybe MIL and DIL are a bit too alike? 😈

I loved my mil. She was so supportive when ds1 was born. Not in a practical daily grind kind of way like my dm was, but in a really lovely positive words of affirmation sort of way. She was my biggest fan and always complimented my parenting, even though I felt I was doing terribly. My dm never really like mil as she didn't understand why she wasn't always here doing things to 'help'. Mil had a rich and varied social life away from work and was always doing something interesting. Dm is very much a home body. When it came to Xmas at mil's my dm would always have an annual rant about how 'mil didn't deserve to have us at Xmas as she didn't put the effort in the rest of the year', as though she owned us. Dm also said she believes that the maternal grandmother trumps the paternal one as her daughter has done all the hard work when it comes to producing the grandchildren. I quietly pointed out that I only have sons, and that by her logic I won't be deserving of any relationship with my future dgc.....
Mil died last year and I really miss her. She was a good friend

See I think that when you have just had a baby and, yes, done the hard work then it is about you. At least to start with until things settle down after a few weeks. And I say this as someone who likes their MIL and who is long past the baby days. I don’t think it is all about me now by any means but when I was a shell shocked, bruised, bleeding wreck and DC1 then it was about me. For the first few days anyway.

My MIL was cruel to my DH, we are nc with her. She choose men over her children, allowed her husband to physically assault her child. We tried to have a relationship with her but she showed recently that my DH is never good enough for her & hurt him quite badly. Her other son is golden child, it’s not his fault he’s in prison at all it’s his ex gf

She dislikes me & claims I’m controlling my DH, I will push back on any negativity towards my DH. He’s human, he’s not perfect but he’s a good man and I hate how she makes him feel. I will stand up for him & vice versa, we’re very much a team. He was the family scapegoat till I showed him he didn’t need to be that he could choose to walk away from it if he wished.

I would never be friends with my mil if she wasn’t as we have little in common, she’s fixated on sex and likes to provoke a reaction. She didn’t come to our wedding despite 3 invites claiming we hadn’t invited her. She asked me how big my DH penis was because his father had a small one & the sex was terrible. This was in front of my DH!!! She loves drama where I can’t be asked with it , I think her funniest comment was we were jealous of my bil as he had appeared on Jeremy Kyle. He failed a lie detector test but it’s ok as it was all fake!

I'm the only DIL that my MIL apparently likes and the rest of the family is nc with her. DH has a difficult relationship with her but is the only child she has that speaks to her. She is manipulative, lies, rants constantly about how badly she is treated etc and falls out with everyone eventually. I did make a big effort with her in the past but I have taken a huge step back. DH only sees her with me though as I can calm things down and smooth things over. I do it for my DH. I wish I had a nice MIL but mainly I wish that DH had a normal childhood and didn't suffer even now because of her actions.

You aren't really likely to become best buddies with a woman you meet at random who is from a different generation, maybe different background, different interests different everything. You're lucky if you do- not unlucky if you don't

I think that’s a really good way to think about it. Mind you, I really struggle with the zero interest my MIL shows in my children; you’d normally expect it to be the thing you do have in common.

I think the issues mostly started after our daughter was born. Deep down I don't respect my MIL as a mother of her own children (well really of my husband) anymore than I respect my own Mother as a mother. My husband feels the same way about both.

Our mother's were horrible in different ways when we were children and we were both emotionally abandoned by them and taught not to trust them. They both want to live in a fantasy world where they were always perfect and right and deny saying things to us that we vividly remember.

Since our daughter was born it feels like there's been a power shift and neither of our mothers likes it. They don't like that we disagree with and ignore a lot of their unwanted parenting advice. They don't like having no power or control over us or our daughter.

My husband thinks I hate his Mum now, I don't, she just needs to get comfortable with the fact that my daughter is my daughter not hers no matter how much we both think she secretly wishes she was.

I think I also resent the frequency of our visits to them which makes me resent her which isn't fair to her. We just need to stop visiting as often.

@nokidshere the thing is she would go on about it every time she spoke to my husband, as if I wasn't doing these things! That is just an example really. I don't need other people's opinions on how we raise our children, unless they are asked for! It makes me feel like I'm doing an awful job as a mother my own family are guilty of it too but she does it more!

First MIL was so cold she would have melted the Antarctic.

Second MIL is pretty annoying but pleasant enough to be around, now she's finally stopped talking (including to relatives of mine in Tesco) about how wonderfully perfect DH's ex wife is.

I wish we were closer, to the point where I would happily call her and FIL "mum and dad", because mine are divorced so I don't have a mum and dad relationship in my life. But hey ho, that doesn't seem to be the case. One saving grace is that, when she does play up, DH will stick up for me/us.

I don't need other people's opinions on how we raise our children, unless they are asked for! It makes me feel like I'm doing an awful job as a mother

I get that and understand what you are saying. But you know you aren't so why let it affect you? Be assertive, confident and dismiss anything that's rubbish from your mind. Other people's opinions do not matter and they can only make you mad, sad, or feel a failure if you let them.

So don't let them.

Jealously and lack of control.
Quite a few mils with issues seem to be sahms. On here and in rl they maybe have a lot of time on their hands rather than having other things to do.

Not that alone but, time combined with jealousy, perhaps immaturity, lack of empathy, judgemental... Controlling.

Maybe a feeling that their time has passed? I love my dc but I'm dreading when they get old enough to bring partners home!
I'm going to have to get be tongues to bite. But bite is what I shall do unless they ask me for opinions or help. I will have to keep telling myself to trust my dc!! I raised them!!

@echobelly

That line really resonated with me.

Sons not how I want him to be and your not going to turn him into what I want either.

My dh is massive dissapointment to his dp. She is obsessed by how things look and appear.
I have never met someone so shallow in my life. It's taken a long time to try and get used to it.

“I think it's biological. As a Mother, your instinct is to protect your baby but you're expected to entrust it to some random woman....who isn't your own blood relative”

Are you overlooking the fact that the “random woman” is the baby’s blood relative? And the baby’s father, and baby’s siblings blood relative? It’s the “she’s just a random woman” thinking that often causes the problem.

I don't know a single person who wanted to or thought they would become best buddies with their Mil.. It's pretty obvious as dil your the outsider going in. A good family will welcome strangers in, get to know them and be kind because that stranger...carries their child's heart.
It's thier child's choice of partner.

A good kind family will show massive respect and hospitality to the stranger... And build a relationship on any ground but something. That's all that is needed to set them on good terms for the future, being kind, treating them both as adults with lives and needs of thier own.

That's all the expectation most of us with awful mils wanted. A bit of interest taken in us from the the start and basic kindness.
I don't know who first met their Mil and thought wow bf potential

Oh, one more thing friendships across generations are possible you know. just being a bit older doesn't mean your not interesting or funny or capable of forming relationship with younger people.
I'm in my 40s and two of my most favourite and fun people are 60 /70.

^^ yes that's why it's a good idea to welcome your dils into your family before they may carry your gc, form relationship with them, build up trust.

“Oh, one more thing friendships across generations are possible you know.“

Of course the are. But they are much less common than friendships within generations, and are a bonus when they happen. That’s not a criticism- it’s a fact.

I get you op! I adore my mil she's not only my mil but also in my eyes a 2nd mum and and a friend but sometimes as a dgm to my dd she drives me absolutely nuts but her heart is in the right place so i try and see past all that but I do also make my boundries very clear when I need to sometimes that's been fine sometimes it has caused upset but it always gets resolved we talk as family because that's what we are.. on the other hand I also assert boundries with my dad because he also is the interfering dgd type again his heart is in the right place they both love me, dh and dd and I just try and remeber and stay thankful for that.

Some mils are selfish shrews who want to re-live their glorious mommy years through YOUR child. The relationship becomes hostile when the mil doesn’t know her place. She was the queen of her nuclear family and you are now the queen of yours.

The child is yours and your husbands. Your experiences as parents come first. Some events should be private to create memories and traditions. Mils feel the need to intrude all the time and that gets our backs up. When we back down and cave in, we let things run amok and mil takes her place in YOUR family as the queen bee.

i am close to my MIL as she looks after my son during the week, but I think I liked her a lot better before I had my son. She does overstep boundaries sometimes and I get annoyed when receiving her unsolicited advice but I know everything she says or does is out of love, so I will never disrespect her.

My MIL reacted very badly to the news we were having a baby. She was fine and friendly before that. It did seem like it was something to do with not being the centre of attention. DH thought it was resentment at the reminder she was getting older. I’m NC and they now need help which DH is struggling to do. SIL is possibly worse but I do blame DH in part, he’s a total doormat to his family, trying to appease everyone and not stick up for himself or me. This means his family see him as a doormat and assume I walk all over him, he doesn’t try to correct them. He has no problem asserting himself with me, sometimes too much, although he’s a big softy with the kids and they know it. I wonder if this dynamic is common and why DILs are seen with suspicion.