DD going to bed at 8am and getting up at 6pm, would you allow this?

[evergreenmi]

Exactly what the title says. Thanks.

The food thing, I wouldn't be happy with the use of extra food if you're on a tight budget, but what is she supposed to do if you won't leave her food? You said earlier in the thread that you're reluctant to plate her food up for later because she won't set her alarm to come and eat with you, to me that seems very spiteful.

At 18 legally she's an adult but in reality it's a bit of an awkward inbetween stage, but I think it would be best for her to learn for herself that she can't sleep all day, work, go to uni & do uni work. If she's anything like most 18 year olds she's not going to listen to advice, she'll just want to do her thing, let her figure it out for herself.

With the days out could you compromise with her? Maybe once a month instead of every week or however often you go out? A PP said about cutting the apron strings and it's so true, but it's still important that you spend some time together as a family. Your DH needs to realise that the more he demands she be there, the more he's probably going to push her into not going.

Just really gets to me when I'm heading up to bed and she's stuck into her computer on her game not replying when I say goodnight and always getting "hang on mum I'm in game
Stuckinthis
I drew the assumption, and yes I agree it is an assumption from the above comment from the OP. Perhaps that is a questions the OP could consider asking her daughter? Is she online gaming all night?
I have said to consider there maybe a problem with her gaming, if she is in fact, gaming for that length of time , everynight, all night. Yes , that is an assumption. My error.
If, the DD is the post is gaming for 8 hours.
It absolutely does not mean she has a gaming addiction, but it could be a possibility.
(Just like I'd suggest taking cocaine for 8 hours , everynight all night for an extended period of time could perhaps be something to wonder about, though the sleeping all day kind of knocks that theory slightly out of the ballpark in this post. )
I have not said that binge watching TV for that period of time is a good thing , I said that gaming for that length of time ( if the DD in question is indeed doing that) is worse. No extolling the virtues of binge TV watching from me.

You sound like an example of an individual that lots of all night , multiple hours of gaming has not affected adversely. Great! Not all gaming equals horror stories I agree, but there are enough of those for the WHO to do what it did.

If my assumption is on the money.....what I have suggested about gaming is not outside the realm of possibility.

I've not long come out of a job where I would finish anywhere between midnight-3am for 4/5 days a week with the odd day shift thrown in.

Agree with pp that getting in from work is getting in from work no matter what time it is and unless you and your husband are asleep for the night 30 minutes after getting in then you don't really understand the need for the "evening" even if starts at 1am.

Re the days out, your husband actually comes across as weirdly controlling, especially denying the younger dc a day out because their adult sibling doesn't want to come.

My daughter does a late shift her sleeping pattern is not too dissimilar.

Most of us get up just before work...

She's at uni, and is doing very well. Got a prize for being one of the top students.

Don't worry too much about it.

I am out of the house 8am to 6pm. If I worked the hours your dd did with no kids to parent then the healthiest slee0 pattern is similar to what i currently do. Wake 1.5h before I leave, go to sleep 5 hours after I
return.

She works 6pm-midnight. So makes sense to keep to 4pm awake, 6am ish to bed.

YABU. The last thing a young adult needs is controlling parents. This has been for just 3 weeks and in another few weeks she's going away.

Unless you have serious worries about her burning the house down of course she can use more food from the kitchen ? You and your OP need to accept she's old enough to accept she doesn't have to do family days out and concentrate on the younger ones.

She’s not ‘working shifts’ or ‘weird hours’, she’s working evenings. Staying up for a bit when she gets home and getting up later is fine. Unnecessarily staying up all night and sleeping all day is not. It’s not healthy sleeping all daylight hours - those who have to work nights, have to, but it’s not good for you. It’s NOT being a ‘sleep snob’ it’s a fact.

It sounds, to me, like she’s doing it to avoid the rest of the family, like she’s using the place like a free Hotel and that would piss etc me off. If you dislike your family that much, move out.

If it’s to ‘game’ then that’s not healthy either. Hours and hours everynight is not healthy. Yes, technically, she’s an adult, but barely, she’s 18 and I wouldn’t just ignore her gaming like that.

Your DH is being utterly fucking ridiculous however. You can’t not go on days out because you’re 18yo doesn’t want to go. FFS.

I would tell her the above and say she has until the kids school term starts to do this if she must, but then it’s back to normal and she’s up and about at a reasonable hour, not living like some nocturnal animal.

Surely at this age they’re living on pot noodles and pasta? They’re cheap. Just get lots of pasta and stir in sauces and leave her to it. When I was her age I was working in a bar and often finished my shift at 12 and then stayed hanging out with everyone till 4am, I’d then get in and make pasta or pancakes or whatever I fancied to eat. I don’t think it’s fair to say she can’t eat stuff from the kitchen.

I do think it’s a bit weird her sleep pattern is so upside down but at 18 I don’t think you can really tell her what time to go to bed / wake up. Especially when she’s working.

I agree with everyone saying your dh is being ridiculous about the days out. I think you have to accept your dd doesn’t want to come on days out anymore- unless you pre arrange things far ahead- and just carry on your life around her. At this age she’s become more of a lodger.

I agree with Annie and Daisy

I'd be worried about depression more than than days out

I know of quite a few younger people who feel "entitled" to their day, which does not include hours in work. Unfortunately the real world does not behave like that, so it would be better to persuade her that she needs to go to bed after work, get up at a reasonable time and do anything she wants to do before working in the evening.
You may also need to explain to her that her chosen routine is not compatible with being a student, as she will have to be in early morning lectures etc. and will also have to plan written work that will need to be submitted to deadlines.
Do you normally get on well or is this also a means of avoiding the rest of the family? If the latter, how will you manage when she is in student mode?

"You may also need to explain to her that her chosen routine is not compatible with being a student"

You don't think an 18-year-old will work that out for herself?

I wonder if she feels stifled and so sets a different timescale to avoid the family trying to treat her like a 12 year old.

It's really hard to switch off when you get home late from work - your brain tells you you have to "wind down" and have your "evening" even if it's daybreak.

Absolutely this.

I used to work for a council that had all their committee meetings in the evenings. I could never get to sleep before dawn on the night of a meeting and it used to take me 2-3 days to get over the sleepless night. A lot of other staff found the same, and management agreed that we could take TOIL the morning after meetings, which was a big improvement.

My dp keeps similar hours to your dd due to working nights, no way would he eat the evening meal when he got up, he has cereal because its breakfast. He then eats what I've made around 4am.

Yabu, she is 18!!!!! Family days out can't happen without her? Way to ruin it for your other dc!

As for the using more food, if you don't make her dinner then it isn't 'more' food is it?

My 16yr old ds rarely eats with us now, he has work and a social life. I can't bring myself to be annoyed about it although he's usually about for Sunday dinner.
I buy easy food for him to make himself, costs barely anything and the home is calmer without irrelevant stress.

I'm finding this stage tough in terms of his presence not being as it was, no longer being the priority and having to let go of control over where he spends his time, but I have to work through that myself, not hemming him in to my expectations which will only push him away.

Remember your dd could be away for uni and you'd have absolutely no control over anything she did. If she isn't leaving mess behind her etc what really is the problem beyond your /your dh problem?
She's going to end up wishing she was in uni accommodation if this continues.

I think if she's not disturbing the family by keeping those hours then let her be. Presumably she'll have to readjust her sleeping patterns once she starts uni? I can see both sides to this as I've worked evenings/shifts before and it is hard to get in from work and go straight to bed without down time as PPs have said.

On the other hand, I don't think gaming for that long every evening is conducive to a decent night's sleep or good health. My partner regularly gets in from work at 8pm then will game until 1 or 2 am then complain he hasn't had a good night's sleep. He then regularly tries to 'catch up on sleep' on his days off by sleeping for 12 hours + straight. He always seems really ill and barely functioning, so it's probably not a good lifestyle to keep into your late 30s!

I think you (and especially your DH) are BU.

Is she deliberately avoiding you? If so why?

Of course you can go out without her - and if DH says you can't then I'd dump him at home too.

What food is she using? Bread, eggs, milk, beans etc. I would have no problem with - especially if she tidied up after herself. Salmon and Caviar, I would complain. I would ask her to inform me in advance if and when she was going to eat with the family.

She's an adult. She's not hurting anyone.

When I worked shifts, I used to hate starting in the afternoon/evening and did get up later in the day, because otherwise I spent the morning thinking about having to go to work, and then got home and had to go pretty much straight to bed - your entire life becomes either thinking about work, or actually being at work.

Leave her be.

I honestly feel sorry for your DD. At the end of the day, her body clock is the way it is because she is working!!

My slightly older DS works full time and strange shifts. The days of eating at the table as a family are long gone which I have accepted as we have evolved! I just plate him a portion of whatever we are having, leave it in the fridge and he either has it when he comes home when everyone is in bed or he takes it to work for the next day. It's up to him as he is an adult!

My Mum completely ruined my later teenage years due to her over the top draconian rules of what you will and won't do "whilst your under my roof"

She ended up pushing me away to the point I moved out and we didn't speak for years. It took ages to mend our relationship and she admitted many years later that she regrets being way too harsh and controlling. She partly blamed it on her own strict upbringing which she thought was the done thing.

Like many, I completely echo your DHs rule about "going out for the day as a family" ridiculous and spiteful for an 18 year old. What a miserable environment for the rest of your children as well.

She's not working shifts!! Or nights?! She does a 6 hour evening job.

It might well be she sorts herself out in time for uni. But equally it might be that she is so obsessed with gaming - 8 hours of gaming is going to be a hard habit to kick that university is not going to go very well. It might be useful for OP to address this with her and check about her mental health, being 18 does not make her immune to being asked if she is ok.

The only people being unreasonable here are the controlling parents.

“When I worked shifts, I used to hate starting in the afternoon/evening and did get up later in the day, because otherwise I spent the morning thinking about having to go to work, and then got home and had to go pretty much straight to bed - your entire life becomes either thinking about work, or actually being at work.”

This is a great point. Free time before work feels very different to free time after work. After work you can truly relax and switch off. Before work it’s always back of your mind, and you feel like you’re just waiting for the day to really start. It’s unpleasant.

Imagine getting up at 2am for your 9-5, then going to bed at 6pm. You’d have the same amount of free time, but you’d lose the winding down period.

Yabvvu. I have always worked shifts her pattern seems fine. As a family you need to except her choices and be proud, it seems she is doing OK on her way to complete Adulthood.