DD going to bed at 8am and getting up at 6pm, would you allow this?

[evergreenmi]

Exactly what the title says. Thanks.

I think she desperately needs to live in halls where she can stay up all night, eat cake for breakfast and go to lectures in pajamas if she wants to without you knowing or worrying.

Are you my bloody mother?

She is a sleep snob, and COULD NOT get their head round the sleep pattern of a lateshift worker.

I kept exactly the same hours as your daughter in the holidays , it drove her mad.

FWIW, i adapted back into 9—5 when I went to uni. And I’m now a grown up with an 8—4 office job. I do confess if im off work for more than a couple, of days my natural pattern tries to reassert itself. To quote Terry Pratchett I don’t like to get up till the shine has worn off the afternoon.

A six hour shift from 6pm to midnight doesn't seem too challenging to me, I'd not expect that to disrupt living or sleeping patterns very much. Work, get home, have a snack and go to bed, sleep, get up late and have a normal day and then go to work again. I have friends who do very early shifts, they either have a rest when they come home and then enjoy a normal evening with their families or they go to bed early. Deciding to organise your life in such a way as to deliberately avoid your family all day in the summer holidays seems extremely antisocial to me. Fair enough if you live alone, but not if you are part of a family.

Maybe that's the point, she doesn't want to interact. Trying to pressure her, is only going to drive her away. She's 18, wanting to do her own thing, not get dragged into family days out etc, and that's fair enough. Got to give them space.

Ihunt if you're the parent of the family you live with, the level of responsibility to that family is totally different - an 18 year-old without children isn't obligated to go to bed within half an hour if getting in from work.

Maybe it’s a control thing. Now she’s an adult You have to let her make her own decisions and you’re not handling it well.

It's one thing to disagree with this because you're concerned, or because it will significantly impact other members of the household, but it's another to do it just because she's not conforming to how you think she should be doing things.

Of all the things she could be doing at 18, this is not the hill to die on.

Actually she's probably staying up all night and sleeping in the day instead partly because if she were known to be awake when everyone else was she'd be expected to go on family outings and play with her siblings. She's 18, that's probably not how she wants to spend every moment that she isn't at work or sleeping. Being awake when everyone else is asleep might be the only way she gets time to herself.

Stuff like this is why kids barely come home when they’re at uni and then their parents constantly moan about never seeing their children.

You DH is using your daughter as an excuse to not bother with ‘family time’ anymore. Like an 18 year old goes on ALL family outings.

Well she won’t be doing it when she starts uni will she? I don’t see the problem, she’s working, gets home late/around hours and wants to eat and chill for a bit before bed. If you don’t want her eating more food after you’ve cooked just leave her a portion of what you made to reheat? In all honesty I could quite easily sleep all day and stay awake all night. But responsibilities and all that.

She will grow out of if

Seems fairly clear from the OP's posts that her daughter is staying up all night in order to game. I expect it's mostly because the times line up with a country where the game she is playing is popular. I can understand that, some of the games I play are big in Japan and Korea and it's much more fun to play when those players are around. I don't think it justifies avoiding spending any time with the rest of her family for weeks. If I was the OP I'd be having words with her dd about being more considerate (and I have older teenagers, both of whom cope with the idea that we eat together as a family and that that may mean logging out for a while).

It won't go on forever so just put up with it for the time being. Try and pretend she isn't there if you can.

I've been known to do the same btw, at times.

My son does it, he lives alone and travels quite a lot for work. When he is at home he spends a lot of time working on his computer which can stretch from days to throughout the night, then he flakes out.

I did this when I was at uni. I’d sleep until 5pm nearly every day. I’d go to the odd lecture, then have a nap, go out at 10pm to the student union, home at 2am, sleep til 5pm.

I teach sixth formers, and quite a few of them follow these patterns. The only thing that would matter to me is that she is working, which she is. Working in the holidays means she is out of the house, and learning responsibility. Workers without children can live the lives they want as far as I'm concerned, with the caveat of course that she should be chipping in with her share of chores and paying her contribution to the household.

When someone is working and contributing to society, that makes them an adult and they should be able to make their own choices.

YABU

Let her eat, sleep & interact when she chooses to not when you & DH decide

She doesn't work odd hours she works till midnight?! And is sleeping all day? She's not sleeping in like a teenager does she is missing the entire day, daily? She will not be able to function or take responsibility for anything all the while her parents treat her like, well, a sick toddler. If she is a grown up and can make her own choices then she seriously needs to grow up.

I would honestly be concerned for her mental health.

She will be unable to cope at university and cope well at all, if she sleeps through every day all day?!

^ What Mayhem said.

I think its really odd behaviour, I would say disturbing even. She's not doing a night shift, just an evening one. I also agree with Mayhem she's being treated like a sick toddler, rather than an adult. Also its pretty slobby, self-indulgent way to live.

But I don't know what you can do, OP. You can explain your concerns (its really not healthy mentally to live that way). You can lay down the law of course (its your home). But if she ignores it there's not much you can do I suppose. Still, she will be moving out soon.

Some people are natural night owls. My DH, given the choice would sleep until 2 in the afternoon. Pre children, he quite often did unless I kicked him out of bed because we had plans. He's just like his mum. She's in her late fifties and on days she doesn't work, she sleeps until 5 in the afternoon, then stays up until 4/5am. She works part time and now does 3pm to 10pm, so even on her work days, she doesn't go to bed until the small hours and sleeps until lunchtime. Recently her alarm didn't go off and she woke 10 minutes before she was due to start work. This is an otherwise very together lady. She just has an unusual sleeping pattern.

I think your DDs behaviour is completely normal and fair for her and her work/life pattern. She's 18. Doing the family days out and playing with her younger siblings aren't going to be her priority anymore. If she's not disturbing the household with her comings, goings and cooking, I don't see the issue.

DH says we can't plan days out if she's not coming and DD says of course we can and I agree we can but DH says he isn't going out if we're not a family and I don't know if that's a thing to moan at him about or her!!

Its totally him, hes bonkers.

She reminds me of my sister, who used to work in pubs so was home about 2am.

She was a gamer and loved the online games. She had 'friends' from all the way around the world on the games, which wasn't helpful as she'd purposefully stay up really late/early until it was their time to play in their time zone. Then she'd sleep until 4 or 5pm. But then, my Mum has never kept her sleep pattern well, so she would sleep til that time too.

My DD is 17. I would probably be accused of being a bit of a control freak, but I'd be telling your DD that I appreciated she didn't want to sleep the second she came in from her shift, but that I'd expect her up for 1pm ish, which would give her 8 hours sleep even if she didn't go to bed til 5.

Partly because her hours sound ridiculous, but mostly because it's going to be very difficult for her to quickly adapt her sleep patterns when university comes around.

My own DD would stay up til ridiculous o clock in the morning if allowed to. But DH is up early for work and she's not quiet when moving around her room and wouldn't dream of coming downstairs to be out of the way of us all. So she is asked to switch off any tech at 10ish (9 on school night) and then expected to chill, even if not actually sleep. That way there's half a chance she will be able to get up early enough for school the next day without being knackered.

I think It's not out of the question to expect all who live in the same home, adult or not, to stick to sociable hours and to be mindful of others.

So how long after coming home from work is she allowed to be awake for?

I think It's not out of the question to expect all who live in the same home, adult or not, to stick to sociable hours and to be mindful of others well put. Incidentialy, I have a 15 year old (school holidays) going to bed after midnight at the moment, or even later, but he's up by 11ish. It hacks me off though when he's still in his pyjamas at 4 p,m., its OK for a day or so, but for weeks on end its pure slobbiness or represents some kind of problem IMO. Especially at 18 - shouldn't you be a bit excited by or interested in the world, rather than spend all day sleeping?

Its disturbing to have someone in your house sleeping ALL DAY for no reason whatsoever. 12 midnight coming in is not that late, and people are confusing staying up for an hour or so after that - to staying up literally all night.

I would let her carry on exactly as she is. Her choice. If it makes you feel better, ask her to buy her own food. Personally, I would leave her a serving of what the family had eaten to warm up.
Your DH is being ridiculous if he won't plan family outings without her. She is 18!! And it is very unfair on younger siblings if you never go anywhere because of the oldest. If the aim is to make her feel guilty, she won't. Ever.