DD going to bed at 8am and getting up at 6pm, would you allow this?

[evergreenmi]

Exactly what the title says. Thanks.

*Not not it!

Her new sleep pattern has disrupted the way your household worked and you weren't prepared for that. So I think it's understandable that you feel unsettled about it. It does seem like you (and especially your DH) are having trouble cutting the apron strings and accepting that she can dictate her own life more now.

I think I would be concerned if it was going to continue like this through university term time (though even then, I'm not sure you dictate otherwise unless it causes disruption or ends up with her being out of uni and failing to find her way in life). If it's a temporary thing for a couple of months until uni starts then I think you would be a bit controlling to stop her. It's an opportunity for her to indulge a passion she has and she isn't going to get that much more time to do it so fully.

You might be reasonable to insist she spends some time one day a week with the family as a whole but your DH IBVU to say the rest of you can't go out if she doesn't come too. That's just punishing everyone else. Is he trying to guilt her into coming or is some sort of sulk?

I don't think you are unreasonable to say she should pay for the food she wants to use when she cooks for herself if it's an extra expense for the household, learning to deal with the consequences of her choices is an important step to self-sufficiency. However, she probably won't be eating with you much when she's at uni either and you weren't planning on charging her board, perhaps you should reconsider that?

Mainly I think you need to accept that just because she's living at home while she goes to uni doesn't mean it's going to be like when she was in school. She's grown up and is going to be making her own way in the world. That's going to include some mistakes and poor decisions and you're going to have to let her make those. It's going to include a bit of selfishness and prioritising her own needs and desires over yours. In some ways she's going to be more like a lodger than the daughter you are used to, and that's OK. It's good, even, if you want her to use her uni time to gain some independence. You should perhaps have a talk with her about how you miss her and would like her to plan a bit of time with the family from time to time.

I did similar at that age when I worked the late shift in a supermarket. I would rarely be asleep later than 3am though as my shifts times varied so couldn't permanently shift my routine. She may well be drinking lots of red bull or coke though in the evening that would keep her up?

I'm with Mirrivan all the way

Mayhem why do you think she needs to be going to drs appointments? She has a summer job, most healthy 18 year old people can get through a summer without a doctor's appointment.

She has worked very hard for over 4 years to get the results she needs to get to Uni. She deserves a few months, surely?

Have a chat with her about what she's missing, how her siblings want to interact with her and are missing her. I'd indulge her for a month or so, then give her some time to adjust her sleeping pattern to something where she can socialise a bit with you all.

You dh is being a tad silly, and biting his nose off to spite his face.

I am going to go against the grain here and say YANBU. It sounds really rude and antisocial to me. Yes, as a student I was pretty nocturnal but so was everyone else in the (student) house. But your dd hasn’t left home and is in a family living environment.
Why isn’t she moving out for uni? You will be constantly worrying that she’s not attending lectures.

Why can't you just cook her dinner when you make it and she reheats it?

Of course you can go on family days out without her, what's your dh going to do when she moves out?

I would say that the most alarming thing about the thread is the father of an 18 year old woman insisting his younger children can only have a day out with him if said 18 year old comes too, coupled with the fact that 18 year old has committed to remain living with her parents while at uni, til she's 21.

Living with your parents as an adult is unlikely to work if your father can't accept that you aren't at primary school any more.

It sounds to me that she has found a way to live independently while living at home. I think it unreasonable to expect an 18 year old to always be home for a family dinner/go out for family days/play with siblings.

How on earth does she manage Drs appointments etc?

How many doctors appointments do you think the average 18 year old attends? And for the odd one she has she probably finds it easier than most people with traditional working hours. She just has to go to bed an hour or so later or get up an hour earlier... i have to take leave from work

I wouldn't like the all night gaming. I don't think it's setting her up for healthy gaming habits as an adult.

She’s probably catching up on sleep lost whilst revising. She will no doubt be listening to music on her phone in bed and messaging friends. Just tell her that it would be good to see her up for a few hours interacting as she will be going to uni soon.

Why cant you go on family days out without her? Leave her alone she's 18 stop treating her like a child

Figlessfig your post at 18.52 is the best post I have read on here for a long time.

If you haven't read OP - please do.

When I spent a summer working 3-11pm every day my sleep shifted so I went to bed about 3am and got up about 11am. I was quiet when I came home and didn’t disturb the rest of the household, and I didn’t expect anyone to be quiet in the mornings while I was sleeping.

It’s not quite as extreme as your DD, but it’s easy to slip into that when you work evenings. You need time to wind down when you get home, like everyone else gets. And you don’t have to get up early in the morning

If she is quiet while the rest of you are asleep, and doesn’t expect you all the be quiet while she’s sleeping in the daytime, does it really matter? There’s nothing virtuous about getting up at 6am and there’s nothing inherently terrible about going to bed at 6am either. Thousands of shift workers do it!

If she has a doctors appointment (is that likely in a healthy 18 year old?) she can presumably schedule it for the most convenient time that she can get, so late afternoon, or she will have to put up with the inconvenience of broken sleep. She’s an adult, she’ll cope.

Completely agree with figlessfig

I don't think it's setting her up for healthy gaming habits as an adult.

She is an adult. It's up to her if she stays up all night. As long as she's not keeping the household awake through inconsiderate noise levels (not just them lying awake seething that she's not in bed) or treating them disrespectfully, they need to back off.

I'll be here Mirrivan!

She’s 18! This isn’t necessarily how she is going to live the rest of her adult life, but she’s fine for now. It’s probably her first taste of freedom after 13 years of schooling. Give her a break. I did the same when I was her age. I managed to sort myself out for uni, hold down jobs, and am now a fully functioning adult. Is she moving away for uni? All you and your husband are likely to do here is drive her away and she might not come back. You should probably try and enjoy these last few weeks with her tbh.

I would say to leave her to it. My mum was a bit like you and was very controlling about food and use of the kitchen - it is very grim to live with someone like that.

Let her do her thing and you do yours.

Why isn’t she taking the maintenance loan, OP? That’ll mean she’s really poor and/or needs to work all through uni, which might affect her work. Student loans aren’t ‘debt’ in any normal sense. People need to realise this. It’s more of a graduate tax.
She’s not lazy, whoever said that -she’s sleeping a normal number of hours and working a full time job, just out of step with everyone else.

I can see both sides. On the one hand she’s an adult but on the other hand she’s a young adult still living with her parents. I would say that she still needs some guidance from her parents (guidance not control) and should still be participating in some aspects of family life, for example I don’t think it would be too much to ask her to join the family for at least one meal every week, and do one or two chores. She’s not a paying lodger who can literally do whatever she chooses. I wouldn’t expect her to join family days out (err wtf DH?!) but i would be hurt if she didn’t want to spend any time with the family, not even mealtimes.

If I was the OP, I would be concerned about my DD’s wellbeing. I think ideally we all need to spend some time awake and out and about during daylight hours (depression rates are much higher in countries with shorter days, for example). And most people benefit from face to face interaction with other people. She might be getting that at work (can’t remember whether the OP said what she does?) but she can’t be getting much face to face social time between midnight and 8am. As she’s a gamer, are all/most of her friends and socialising online?

Ultimately it’s her decision about how she spends her time, but I would be gently encouraging her to find a balance for the sake of her own wellbeing, and I would also lay out two or three basic but non negotiable ground rules - these would be small asks, such as joining in with a family meal once a week, contributing a small amount towards food if she is cooking separately. Not joining in with family days out!!