DD going to bed at 8am and getting up at 6pm, would you allow this?

[evergreenmi]

Exactly what the title says. Thanks.

It's really hard to switch off when you get home late from work - your brain tells you you have to "wind down" and have your "evening" even if it's daybreak. Cut her a bit of slack, she sounds motivated and smart and this isn't worth a fight.

YABU and so's dh for the family going out bit.

Are you worried she is depressed, OP?

I think your being a bit ott. Let her game/sleep/work while she can she will soon be in the boring work routine the majority of us are in! Either leave her leftovers to reheat or tell her to get her own food. Maybe ask her to compromise and have Sunday lunch or something with family?

It would probably be a good idea if you can persuade her to get into a more normal pattern before she starts uni, whatever happens in the meantime.

Your DH is being odd about 'days out' - we often went out leaving DD hard at work studying for instance in the years before she went to uni.

Why wouldn’t you let her use more food? When I had insomnia my mum used to tell me to help myself whenever I got hungry during the night! If you want her to contribute to costs charge her board?

You'd let her use more food from the kitchen??

I'd do her a plate of food that everyone is having that she could heat up later.

It's a bit odd that the fact your adult daughter doesn't want to go on days out, means your husband refuses to plan any days out at all. What about your younger child? That's quite mean.

You have the right to tell her it annoys you and explain why. If she chooses to ignore you there is nothing you can do she’s an adult. She works, she’s headed for uni in September I’d say let her crack on.

I'm not sure what you mean about her eating. She doesn't eat with you so cooks her own food. Simple. Surely she's not using up any more food than normal, unless she eats a lot or you're still making her a portion of the family meal.

Or you could leave her a portion of whatever the family had to heat up.

If I worked those hours I would probably do something similar. If I don't get home because I've been out eg cinema/theatre etc I like to have a couple of winding down hours and often don't go to bed until 2 or 3.

I can't really see what the problem is here. She works until 12am, she won't want to go to bed as soon as she gets home. She'll want to unwind etc. As for family days out, with an 18 year old? I think you can wave bye to those. You mentioned she won't play with your other DCs. Is there much of an age gap between them? As for her cooking for herself, it's not that much of a biggie is it? As long as she clears up after herself. I understand you house, your rules, but she's an adult now. Cut her some slack. She sounds like she's just a nocturnal type of person

You can agree things like some keep to cover the extra costs of food or tell her you'll plate her up something to heat in microwave. Or she can buy her own stuff.

Fair enough not wanting her to dig into food that's bought for a meal.

I wouldn't worry about the sleeping pattern as she'll have to self adjust soon when she starts uni. I would be setting ground rules about noise and no showers waking up siblings etc or cooking middle of the night.

Dh will have to get over the days out thing and your other children will have to accept she's an adult and not going to play with her. Remember younger siblings never have to go through that so it's unfair to expect the older one to!

No I wouldn’t accept it. The impact on others is likely to be a price I wouldn’t pay. Under my roof and under my rules. I wouldn’t have her cooking through the night. As someone says have some food ready to microwave. It does depend what times her shifts are and what she’s doing. Working a busy nightclub bar until 4am is very different from a pub to 11:30.

You'd let her use more food from the kitchen??

Of course I would. Why on earth wouldn't you let your adult daughter pick her own meals and mealtimes? She doesn't need to eat with you. Presumably if she's at work/asleep when you cook, you're not cooking for her and therefore wasting her portion?

Why would you begrudge your child a meal?

Is this a reverse?

What are you talking about 'let her' make more food in the kitchen?

18 year olds come and go on their own schedule and organise their own meals?

She's not 12. She's 18.

Are you short of money to the point you can't afford for her to cook herself a meal?

cherry You can’t dictate to another adult when they go to sleep. I work late and I’m awake for hours after I get in and it’s up to me when I sleep.

Yes we considered getting her to pay some money. But figured as she saves we would rather she saves it for uni as she isn't taking out a living loan only the loan to cover fees.

I never really wanted to save the food because on a Saturday for example when she doesn't work she doesn't set her alarm so she can eat dinner with us which she knows we would like so on the days she does I'm a bit reluctant to.

Understand the food issue and think you should stand your ground on this if she's not paying for it/ using more than you'd normally use, don't/ can't you leave her a plate of what ever you've prepared in the microwave as a compromise?

Your DH is the one BU about the family outings all having to be together, she's 18, she's an adult, the majority of people she'll be going to uni with will have left home so maybe cut her slack that she wants to eat when she wants to eat, doesn't want to have to get up and entertain her siblings or have to go on your family outings.

Think you're BU about her sleeping if she finishes at 12, she still needs time to wind down/ relax after work, maybe 8 is a bit too late but when you think about how late others go to bed after finishing at 5pm it isn't completely ridiculous. Having worked a similar shift before my sleeping pattern was pretty similar to your DD, it'd really wind me up when others expected me to adhere to their sleeping patterns, no I didn't want to get up early so I was knackered for my evening shift and no I couldn't finish work and be asleep 2 hours later. I'm sure hers will improve once she's at uni and has to be up at more "normal" hours, it's not far off till she starts anyway so I'd try to stop getting so wound up and cut her a bit of slack

I'm clearly being OTT and now I write it do see how it may not seem like a big deal.

Just really gets to me when I'm heading up to bed and she's stuck into her computer on her game not replying when I say goodnight and always getting "hang on mum I'm in game".

Then crawls downstairs at 6pm looking in the cupboards for some breakfast! Can't explain why it annoys me but it does.

To be fair, she won’t want to eat a full meal when she has just gotten up. Would you like a lasagna for breakfast?!

Your DH is BVU in saying that he won't go on days out unless your DD goes along when she is ...22!
From the age of about 16, there has never been an expectation that our DD will do that unless she chooses to.
I do understand you being annoyed by her sleep pattern - it would drive me mad.
At 19 I used to work in a pub & would get home at 12:30am or later some times, but would be up & functioning by 9:00am. I wouldn't want her cooking for herself purely because she can't be arsed joining you for your meals, unless she was buying her own food & was leaving the kitchen spotless afterwards. If you're following a tight food budget, her doing that will mean that you go through food quicker than you would if she ate with you.
I'd be tempted to turn the broad band off at 11:00pm & not switch it on again till a time that suits you in the morning.
Are you able to give us a rough idea of your other DC's ages, OP?
My eldest is a similar age to your DD. She buys her own food, cooks for her & her boyfriend & cleans up after herself. This is because she wants to eat different food to us.
I don't make any demand on her with regards to playing or spending time with her younger siblings and never have, even when she was still a child herself.
But because of this, there is and never has been any resentment between them. If she doesn't want to spend time with them, I've never had an issue with that.

The other day she suggested us spending the day together going to a museum exhibition that she thought we'd all enjoy - all her idea & organising. Today she's taken her youngest sibling out to a cafe & shopping.

She does work FT, so can afford to treat them & take them out & does so quite often, but only when she wants to, which is fair enough.
She also always tries to come and watch her brother play all of his football matches & her boyfreind comes too.
I had (and still have)an interfering mother growing up. It was stiffling.
As a result I have always been the polar opposite with my DCs. So I am maybe a little bit too much the other way!

My DD is slightly older and currently on a gap year doing bar work. If she works the late shift which can be any thing up to 12 hours finishing around 2am she will then come home, eat, chill then sleep waking around lunchtime the next day. If she was on a long stretch of shifts I could see her changing her sleeping pattern like your DD.
However she does a mix so other days she starts at 7am. I have a second uni student DC who is on summer break and working 8-6 days locally.

We have some family meals but mostly someone cooks for whoever is in at tea time and those that aren’t cook for themselves. We have a shared Tesco order each week and all food on there is paid from the family account.

For days out and events we plan for ourselves and if shifts allow DC1 joins us. We have done this since she was doing her GCSEs we don’t force family days.

YAB a bit unreasonable - why does she have to play with her siblings! No child (or young adult) is obligated to play with their siblings...

Your DH is totally out of order and seems not to understand the difference between 18 and 8. Of course she doesn't have to go on family outings and you can and should go without her.

Working 8 hour shifts finishing at 12 midnight you can't expect her to be in the same schedule as people working 9am to 5pm, it wouldn't work.

Most adults have a few hours between getting home from work and going to bed. If she finishes work at midnight when does she get in? 12:30? 1am? It's reasonable to chill out until 3 or 4am before going to sleep in that case.

It's unhealthy to radically vary sleep pattern by several hours regularly, so she does right to stay on her work pattern really. Some people have to swap between lates, nights and earlies but it's quite bad for your heart.

A compromise could be reached but she isn't even home on work evenings so eating together is only going to be possible when she isn't working, she's surely going to want to eat after work on those days.

Perhaps ask her to be up for 3pm every day so you can see a bit of one another and eat your evening meal together on non work days. That's fair as she's living at home.

Also if course she should tidy up after herself and ask about what she can and can't cook, put things on the shopping list and do a top up shop once a week or so, so your family meal planning isn't thrown by missing ingredients.