DD going to bed at 8am and getting up at 6pm, would you allow this?

[evergreenmi]

Exactly what the title says. Thanks.

Will she be up for lectures at uni in the mornings? Seems unlikely but possibly let her do as she wants assuming she is at uni from Sept.

Family days out with an 18 year old, what is your DH thinking?

So she gets up, goes to work and then has her "evening" of leisure time, just on a different schedule from everyone else? It does make sense for her to do it that way, rather than getting up, having a day of mooching about and then having to go to bed as soon as she gets in from work. It's much harder to relax when you know you've got to go to work later! And then it's logical she wouldn;t want to have a family dinner for her breakfast. If she's making a lot of mess with her food later I assume you get her to clean it up? So it shouldn;t really affect you if she cooks later.

It's a bit weird that it bothers everyone else so much though and your dh won't go on a "family day out" if your 18 yr old doesn't come! As pp have pointed out, that's not going to be top of her list of priorities. In fact it sounds like she's trying to tactfully phase them out without actually saying "I don't want to come."

If she’s not noisy, and isn’t asking you to be quiet, and is holding down a job... leave her be!

Maybe she wants her time off after she has worked rather than before? I think I went semi nocturnal at that age too, partly to have more me time without parents around. Leave her to it, I reckon.

She’s being ridiculous and it won’t translate well to when she’s at uni. FWIW I used to work 12-12 in a pub and then go to uni the day after.

Your DH is being ridiculous insisting she is included when she doesn’t even want to be.

She’s being cheeky by cooking herself another meal - unless you’re cooking for only those of you that are eating.

Only young once and she will be at university soon enough - plus she's working. It's really hard to come home after working till midnight and go straight to sleep as it feels like you haven't had an evening - so I can understand her staying up.for a few hours (even though she's pushing it a bit) but she's an adult.

I'd be making sure she was pulling her weight in the house in terms of chores - and leaving her to it.

I've a 16 year old who is staying up to 2/3am but the rule is he can got to bed when he likes as long as he's up by 12 to do his chores for the day. My eldest does what he likes because he's an adult.

This would annoy the hell out of me! Does she take responsibility for her bills/car expenses etc herself? How on earth does she manage Drs appointments etc? I think it's really irresponsible tbh. Working an evening shift isn't that hard...is she using cocaine or similar so can't sleep overnight? What is she doing every night?

She's setting herself up for a difficult adulthood sleeping all day. It strikes me as lazy and irresponsible. A one off is a non issue but this is daily?? I would also query depression with sleep like that.

Insisting your 18 year old no longer a child accompanies you on family days out is pretty bonkers and controlling.

Yes but equally pandering to her sleeping all day long is pretty bonkers too!

Wake her up, give her some responsibility!

is she using cocaine or similar so can't sleep overnight? FGS

Refusing to organise family days without her is very unreasonable.

Expecting her to have the family meal for her equivalent of breakfast is also unreasonable. Just put her portion aside for her to reheat when she wants. If you don't want her cooking from your regular shopping, set aside a shelf in the fridge & cupboard for her to supply herself.

Leave her be.

I can understand your frustration (it would annoy me too) but I think its a teen thing? I recall doing something similar-ish (not 4pm but 1pm) although my mum was not happy with it. As long as she isn't depressed I wouldn't worry too much, but perhaps have a word with her suggesting that you would like to spend time with her during the day, or perhaps invite her out for lunch, the automatically her sleeping pattern may shift?

This wouldn't have happened in my house. YANBU. Also think YANBU about the food - I know on Mumsnet everyone seems to come and go at odd times but we always ate together and if I was at work my mum would plate a tea up for me for when I got home.

Yes but equally pandering to her sleeping all day long is pretty bonkers too!

It's not exactly "pandering", it's just acknowledging that she's an adult now and letting her do what she wants when it doesn't harm anyone.

Wake her up, give her some responsibility!

She already has a job and a place at university for next year! Not like she's wasting her life away!

If you don't want her making food then make her a plate of whatever you are having so she can heat it up.

She gets home from work at midnight - you wouldn't come home from work at 6pm and go to bed at 7 so why should she go straight to bed. She obviously likes to relax, having soemthing to eat etc after work and why not.

Your husband is being ridiculous. My 18yo, and my 2 16yos, don't come on family outings unless they want too on the basis they are adults/almost adults.

Sorry, this is all nonsense, and you and DH are handling it badly.

She’s an adult. She’s got a job. It puts her sleep and leisure hours a bit out of whack.

On the food thing, I’ll give you a gold star if you can convince an 18yo to turn up to family dinner when she’s got something better to do. (Like sleep!)

I know this is harsh, OP, but your DH is being a controlling dickhead about “family days out”. Your adult daughter is under no obligation to participate - unless you’ve imposed a rule that she can only live at home if she participates. And I really, really hope you haven’t done that, because it would be really stupid.

If you are really poor and can’t afford school uniforms for your younger children, then it’s ok to ask her to contribute a little from her wages. Otherwise, a young adult who is between school and uni stays at home - and is fed - free of charge.

Do you really have no insight into how this looks from the outside? At best, this is your eldest child (and it’s always hardest with your eldest as you have no experience to guide you), so you’re making a bit of a hash of things and getting a bit uptight, sometimes a bit nasty, because your child is becoming an adult and you’re confused.

At worst, you’re guilty of some downright controlling behaviours which are quite inappropriate for an adult of 18, and you risk serious and possibly permanent damage to your relationship with your child.

I used to hate trying to go to sleep straight after work when i did evenings. A regular sleep pattern, even nocturnal is safer than continually trying to shift your body clock.

Why does it bother you? Is she keeping you awake when she's up overnight?

she works in the evening, it's fine

I have chronic insomnia but I'm convinced it's because society doesn't allow for my nocturnal nature. Let her get the sleep while she can.

she might be able to opt for longer term work that suits her better.

Ah loads more posts since I started my reply then got distracted by children

OP I think from your last update you’re amenable to reading back through all your posts objectively and realising that this is very much your issue and not your DDs if that makes sense?

Oh for heaven's sake May - now the poor young woman is a cocaine addict because she has an unusual sleep pattern! Give me strength.

She is not lazy - she's working odd hours and has shifted her active hours and sleep to fit in with those hours.
Do you come in from work, say at 5.30 /6pm and go to bed straight away - doubt it very much, so why should someone working until 12am go to bed straight away. As PP said - you need down time.

There are different ways of managing your life when you work 'anti-social' hours. She's doing fine. As and when she need to get back to standard hours, it will take her a few days that's all. Used to take me about 36 hours to get back to normal after a week of nights. And yes your eating pattern goes the same way as sleep. It's not standard to eat spag bol for breakfast, so fair enough she would want something different.

Cut the girl some slack - she's got a job, she's not burning the candle at both ends and she's off to uni. She's a credit to you - not a problem!

I wouldnt be impressed either. It is not at all healthy. Its bad enough id you have to do it for shiftwork. Even then it mucks up your body. What reason doe she have for not going to sleep until 8am? Bonkers

God I can't stand sleep snobs. It everyone wants or has to get up at 6am and in bed for 9pm.

Also how many of you go straight to bed as soon as you're in from work?!