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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why they are pretending it wasn’t planned?!

155 replies

Bilbonaggins · 14/08/2018 17:39

My SIL has just announced her first pregnancy - really exciting and her and BIL are thrilled!

They got married at Christmas and she told me when they got back from her honeymoon that she had gotten her implant removed as they wanted to start a family.

But now she is telling everybody what a surprise it was and how they weren’t even trying? AIBU to find it really odd to pretend a pregnancy was unplanned when they came off BC in order to have a baby?! I find it especially awkward when they say it around friends that I know have been trying for children a while and haven’t been successful.

I can understand pretending it was planned when it wasn’t but why would anyone want to pretend their baby was an accident? Any ideas?!

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 14/08/2018 17:41

Are they very young or something?

RebeccaCloud9 · 14/08/2018 17:43

Well there is a difference between unplanned and an accident, to being a surprise and happening quickly without actively trying (e.g. ovulation tests etc). Could this be what they meant?

exexpat · 14/08/2018 17:45

Maybe they have a different definition of 'trying' - i.e. they weren't actively 'trying' in the way that some people do by using ovulation predictor kits and deliberately shagging at certain times of month? Though I have to say that coming off contraception and seeing what happens is as far in the direction of 'trying' as I ever got.

ReggaetonLente · 14/08/2018 17:45

Our baby was planned, as in I came off contraception, but we never expected it to happen for us so quickly (literally the first time we had sex!).

Obviously we felt very blessed and lucky, but it was a bit of a shock, and I always felt like I had to explain that to people!

YaLoVeras · 14/08/2018 17:45

They probably weren't being that careful but they're married, it was on the cards at some point.

I wouldn't find it that odd tbh. They shouldn't have to divulge to others if the pregnancy was unplanned. A surprise is a nicer way of saying this.

YaLoVeras · 14/08/2018 17:46

Sorry, shouldn't have written that because they were married it was bound to be a plan at some point. I jsut meant it was more likely.

RebeccaCloud9 · 14/08/2018 17:46

Not exactly the same situation but I came off my pill to try and lose weight (fail) - NOT to have a baby. Got pg by the next month. To some people we said it was intentional, but it wasn't really. It was certainly a surprise and wasn't expected (but an amazingly wonderful surprise) and we would never have expected it to happen so quickly.

So in our situation, we told some people it was unplanned (the truth) and some people it happened quickly (to avoid everyone knowing we hadn't planned it).

exexpat · 14/08/2018 17:47

But in any case, I would just smile and nod and they will with any luck get over the excitement and move on to nursery design and baby names...

ReggaetonLente · 14/08/2018 17:47

Was she still drinking / smoking / doing other activities that she’s worried people might judge her for? That was part of it for me.

Is she still trying to get her head round it herself?

Winosaurus · 14/08/2018 17:47

I didn’t actively “try” for either of my children. I came off contraception and was pregnant within 3-4 weeks with both (pregnant in first cycle!)
We wanted children but it was still a surprise that it happened so quickly, we expected it to take much longer so they weren’t planned as such,
Maybe that’s what they mean?

WhyAreWeddingsSoAwks · 14/08/2018 17:47

Sounds more like their perspective is just different to yours. They had come off birth control yes but perhaps they thought it would take a certain amount of time before that wore off fully so they could “start trying” ?

I don’t think they would see it as pretending and I don’t think they are intentionally hurting anyone

Stormwhale · 14/08/2018 17:47

Could it be that they aren't in an ideal financial situation to have a baby, so are telling people it was unplanned so they don't think it's a stupid decision? Many people will judge a couple having a baby by choice when they can't afford it, but not many would tell them to abort an unplanned baby for the same reason.

TheCraicDealer · 14/08/2018 17:51

I came off the pill back in January because DH was going to be working away for six months, we wanted to start trying some time in 2018 and it seemed like a good time to give my body a break from hormonal contraception. However now he's back and we're still using condoms because we're not actively trying quite yet. Could be something similar with your SIL.

knittingdad · 14/08/2018 17:52

DW has had the copper coil removed because we intend to have children, but we aren't planning on having children now and are using other, less invasive, contraceptives. So any pregnancy now would be unplanned.

Would look like the situation you describe.

Original poster

Bilbonaggins · 14/08/2018 18:01

Sorry I don’t know how to tag people - but no they are late twenties and financially comfortable.

I wouldn’t have said coming off birth control in January and falling pregnant in June was particularly quick though - just normal?

But yes maybe they do just mean they weren’t being particularly active about it. I just thought if you have stopped taking The pill to have a baby it isn’t a surprise when it happens, it’s kind of standard

OP posts:

lambdroid · 14/08/2018 18:01

With my first, we’d had the conversation about having a baby and were just going to see what happened before actively trying. I got pregnant immmediately and considered the pregnancy ‘not really planned but definitely wanted’ for a while.

I hadn’t been ‘trying’ in my mind, hadn’t made any effort and almost felt a bit uncomfortable saying I had. I had no real appreciation for terms like ‘trying to conceive’ because I’d never been involved in those kind of conversations, either online or anywhere else.

It didn’t occur to me at the time that it could be insensitive either, and I think I’m usually quite aware of things like that, it was just beyond my scope of experience.

HelloViroids · 14/08/2018 18:03

Did she tell you the implant was out in front of her DH? Cynical me wonders if he didn’t know

SisterNotCisTerf · 14/08/2018 18:03

They got married at Christmas and she told me when they got back from her honeymoon that she had gotten her implant removed as they wanted to start a family.

She told you that at Christmas, 8 months ago. They may have changed their minds 3 months later and started using condoms again and this pregnancy is unplanned.

museumum · 14/08/2018 18:03

I was 36, came off the pill and was still bloody shocked to be pregnant six weeks later! I had been around so much “ttc” and read so much online I thought I was sure to be in for months if not years of stress. The “fertility falls off a cliff at 35” message is very very strong in the media.

auntyflonono · 14/08/2018 18:20

Maybe she was trying and he wasn't?

Original poster

Bilbonaggins · 14/08/2018 18:20

She definitely didn’t trick BIL, he’s been pining after kids for years and would’ve had them before the wedding if she’d let him

OP posts:

Stephisaur · 14/08/2018 18:40

I think they weren’t preventing, rather than actively trying as others have said.

I know what you mean about it not happening that quickly though, but maybe they only know people who have tried for longer and tracked ovulation etc so it was quick for them?

Original poster

Bilbonaggins · 14/08/2018 18:49

I think everyone is right about it being a case of ‘not preventing’ rather than tracking ovulation etc as she isn’t really the super organised planning everything type of woman! I just thought it was bizzare to describe a much wanted baby as an accident!

Clearly IWBU

OP posts:

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/08/2018 18:55

"Actively trying" is nonsense though isn't it? If you are young and healthy and shagging regularly then you are very likely to get pregnant within a few months. To pretend otherwise is either disingenuous or a bit thick.

katielouise3 · 14/08/2018 18:56

Why does it matter to you?

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