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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why they are pretending it wasn’t planned?!

155 replies

Bilbonaggins · 14/08/2018 17:39

My SIL has just announced her first pregnancy - really exciting and her and BIL are thrilled!

They got married at Christmas and she told me when they got back from her honeymoon that she had gotten her implant removed as they wanted to start a family.

But now she is telling everybody what a surprise it was and how they weren’t even trying? AIBU to find it really odd to pretend a pregnancy was unplanned when they came off BC in order to have a baby?! I find it especially awkward when they say it around friends that I know have been trying for children a while and haven’t been successful.

I can understand pretending it was planned when it wasn’t but why would anyone want to pretend their baby was an accident? Any ideas?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bilbonaggins · 14/08/2018 19:08

Katie - it doesn’t ‘matter to me’ in a sense that I lie awake thinking about it...

I haven’t confronted her about it or anything ridiculous like that! It was just something I thought was a little off and wondered what other people thought that’s all.

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 14/08/2018 21:24

I think some people see being uber-fertile as being something of a boasting point. OP. Wink

As you say, not very sensitive to say it was a 'surprise' and they 'weren't even trying' around people who are struggling to get there. Especially when they haven't been preventing for several months now. I mean ... Confused

I get it.

SerenDippitty · 14/08/2018 21:29

Perhaps they thought six months was a ridiculously long time to be actively trying, so they wanted it it look as though they hadn’t really been trying?

TheDowagerCuntess · 14/08/2018 21:33

I mean, you don't have to try in order to get pregnant. Grin

You just have to have unprotected sex.

Having repeated unprotected sex over the course of several months will, in most cases, result in a baby.

This shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. Least of all a couple at the peak of their fertility.

Alconleigh · 14/08/2018 21:40

I've read threads on this before and I too am confused as to how anyone thinks having unprotected sex, unless there are fertility issues already identified, or you're quite old (like me) isn't trying for a baby. Do people really think unless you're involving thermometers, apps and spreadsheets it's a wonderful miracle?! Would have made it rather difficult for the human race to have made it this far if that were so.....

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2018 21:40

My two were planned but surprises - I got pregnancy immediately in spite of ill-timed and infrequent sex and some health issues.

Even though we weren’t using contraception we were surprised because it happened so fast.

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2018 21:41

And I’m a bit older than ideal.

Supertiredmummy · 14/08/2018 21:53

Did the hubby know she was taking it out? ?

Dollymixture22 · 14/08/2018 21:54

It’s such a personal topic - if they want to tell people the baby wasn’t planned then what’s the harm? There might be a very good reason they want people less close to them to think this.

Don’t over think it - just be happy for them.

SoftSheen · 14/08/2018 22:00

Pregnancies can be both planned and a surprise. We took 10 months to conceive DC1. 3 years later we had unprotected sex ONCE and bingo- pregnant with DC2. We were surprised...

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 14/08/2018 22:06

I came off birth control a couple of Christmases ago, thinking we might like to start trying for a second baby, but not 100% sure. Also, because I hated my Mirena, but I definitely told the nurse it was to try for another baby. We then hummed and hah-ed and changed our minds loads of times. In the meantime we used one of those period tracker app things. I was pregnant by March! Definitely were not trying; avoiding fertile window and using condoms on fertile days etc.

Maybe it was something like that?

MouseholeCat · 14/08/2018 22:07

With an implant, I think it's quite common for it to take a while to regain fertility. So they probably thought they'd get it out, it would take time for her periods to come back, then they'd be "trying". So in that sense, it probably was a surprise.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 14/08/2018 22:07

It’s such a personal topic - if they want to tell people the baby wasn’t planned then what’s the harm? There might be a very good reason they want people less close to them to think this.

Don’t over think it - just be happy for them.

This^^ is also bang on though. Does it really matter? Maybe it was unplanned, maybe she was lying when she said they were trying for some reason. God knows why. Maybe it was planned but they have some reason for saying otherwise. Not really anyone’s business but theirs.

DoveGreylove · 14/08/2018 22:20

It really, really bothers me when someone says their baby "wasn't planned". I also think it's quite an insensitive thing to say.

If you have unprotected sex - you might get pregnant. It's that simple.

Getting a BFP should hardly be a "surprise" or "unplanned" following unprotected sex.

bananafish81 · 14/08/2018 22:32

I mean, you don't have to try in order to get pregnant.

You just have to have unprotected sex.

Having repeated unprotected sex over the course of several months will, in most cases, result in a baby.

This shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. Least of all a couple at the peak of their fertility.

1 in 6 couples suffer from infertility (failure to conceive after 12 months of regular unprotected intercourse) so it's not exactly unusual to have to 'try' for a baby

You might not have had to try to have a baby but an awful lot of couples do

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 14/08/2018 22:39

If you have unprotected sex - you might get pregnant. It's that simple

Yes, you might, but that doesn’t mean you’ve planned to fall pregnant. I don’t know if I’d describe either of my babies as “unplanned”, as we had discussed both beforehand. The second just came a little quicker than expected! And obviously we’d have been a lot more careful if we’d really needed not to have a baby at that point.

But I can see how lots of people don’t plan to fall pregnant, but end up doing so.

Even falling pregnant while actively trying for dc1 was quite a surprise to me tbh.

Why is it so bothersome to some? Is it that you don’t like the thought that people are being careless and having babies all over the place? Or is it just that you think they aren’t being accurate? Does it really matter?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 14/08/2018 22:43

Maybe she’s been telling herself they weren’t really trying to cover her disappointment at not falling pregnant immediately.

TheMonkeyMummy · 14/08/2018 22:50

It doesn't really matter, does it? Let them have their story. Smile and get on with your day.

FASH84 · 14/08/2018 22:57

DH and I got married in January, I came off the pill, but had already been diagnosed with fertility issues, so we didn't feel as though we were really trying, no planning, ovulation tests, calendar tracking, just letting my buddy get back to no added hormones before we were referred to the fertility clinic. I feel pregnant within a month, didn't realise until nine and a bit weeks because I was so sure I couldn't be. So not really planned, but not an accident either, just a lovely surprise much sooner than hoped for

SoupDragon · 14/08/2018 23:06

I just thought if you have stopped taking The pill to have a baby it isn’t a surprise when it happens, it’s kind of standard

How do you know they weren’t using condoms until they wanted to actively try for a baby?

WyfOfBathe · 14/08/2018 23:31

We stopped using contraception when we got married. DD was born 10 months later. It wasn't unplanned, but it was a surprise. I guess knowing several people who'd tried for a long time or had infertility, I was expecting at least a few months of trying and saving up

I never told anyone in real life that we were "surprised" though.

roundaboutthetown · 14/08/2018 23:39

If she'd only just had an implant removed, she might have wanted to leave it a few months before they started trying to conceive - I know some women worry about the effect of artificial hormones and want to leave it a while for their normal hormonal cycle to have re-established itself before they try for a baby. Others don't get their periods back straight away and wrongly assume they have not regained fertility yet as a result, so are genuinely surprised when they get pregnant, despite not having used protection.

TheDowagerCuntess · 15/08/2018 01:51

You might not have had to try to have a baby but an awful lot of couples do

It took us 16 months - not long by a lot of people's standards - but we definitely had to try, and were part of the 1 in 6.

The fact remains, that 5 out of 6 couples will get pregnant relatively quickly, just by having sex. No 'trying' required!

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 15/08/2018 01:58

I described my second pregnancy this way. DD1 was very tried for- took a year and timings and ovulation tests and Accupuncture. DD2 literally happened the minute I came off the pill. I took the final one on September 1st and by September 28th had a positive test. That was somewhat surprising to us, so I did refer to the pregnancy as a surprise.

mrbob · 15/08/2018 02:32

If you stop using contraception and have sex then yes you are actively trying to get pregnant