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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why they are pretending it wasn’t planned?!

155 replies

Bilbonaggins · 14/08/2018 17:39

My SIL has just announced her first pregnancy - really exciting and her and BIL are thrilled!

They got married at Christmas and she told me when they got back from her honeymoon that she had gotten her implant removed as they wanted to start a family.

But now she is telling everybody what a surprise it was and how they weren’t even trying? AIBU to find it really odd to pretend a pregnancy was unplanned when they came off BC in order to have a baby?! I find it especially awkward when they say it around friends that I know have been trying for children a while and haven’t been successful.

I can understand pretending it was planned when it wasn’t but why would anyone want to pretend their baby was an accident? Any ideas?!

OP posts:
Biologifemini · 17/08/2018 07:33

Getting pregnant by accident is usually just a code for ‘cannot be bothered with contraception/got drink’.
If you are having sex it isn’t likely to be an accident. If you miss a pill or take antibiotics it isn’t an accident. That’s what the morning after pill is there for.

MaisyPops · 17/08/2018 07:42

Rollonweekend
It isn't anyone else's business, unless the couple decide to make it other people's business by telling everyone.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 17/08/2018 08:13

Agree with SchadenfreudePersonified

I bet SIL's new DH was the most surprised of all...

TheDowagerCuntess · 17/08/2018 08:38

The OP's already said upthread that the DH was ready before the DW was.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/08/2018 13:21

Yoo-hoo Catfleas Smile

McNutty · 17/08/2018 13:39

I think some people just want to give the impression thatthey are a super fertile hot couple who don’t even know what fertile times are cos they are always having sex anyway all the time

This completely!

Once a friend of sil’s was feeling glum and discussing how hard it was for them to get pregnant (been trying 2yrs).

Another friend pipped up about how easy it was for her, ‘DH only has to look at me and I get pregnant!’, she squealed.

Sil responded, ‘Well can you ask your DH to look at her? (Pointing at friend 1)Hmm.

They both enjoyed watching silly friend squirm.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 17/08/2018 14:11

I got off birth control wanting a baby but we weren't necessarily "trying" for a baby we went in with a "whatever happens, happens" attitide

Coming off birth control wanting a baby means you were trying for a baby, ffs!

MissP103 · 17/08/2018 15:07

As others explained maybe they felt it happened sooner and that was the actual surprise.
It's better than people saying they arent finding out the sex until birth and making a big deal of people guessing when they knew exactly what they're having. Two of my friends did this, one referred to the baby as 'he ' throughout and had a boy. The other did a maternity photoshoot all dressed in pink and girly items and had a girl. But they both apparently didnt know 😖

Ellyess · 17/08/2018 17:22

Bilbonaggins Like you, I don't understand her attitude about this. If she had the implant removed in order to start a family.... from what you say they didn't use other contraception once it was removed.

It sounds a bit attention-seeking to me. Why bother to make this kind of statement? I agree too that it is less than sensitive when there are couples wanting to conceive and not having any luck. There is something about her presentation of this pregnancy that makes me feel uncomfortable, as if she is looking to be the centre of attention.
I'd be inclined to keep my distance from her for a while, not obviously and not so as to upset the family, but just not get too involved.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 18/08/2018 00:03

I can understand being puzzled by it but I don't see why OP should have to distance herself from her SIL over it. A baby's coming, time for family to come together and get ready for the new arrival.

Making a point of distancing herself because of the dreaded MN 'attention seeking' would be attention seeking in itself, and for bad reasons.

TheDowagerCuntess · 18/08/2018 00:51

Making a point of distancing herself because of the dreaded MN 'attention seeking' would be attention seeking in itself, and for bad reasons.

Yes, agree with this.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 18/08/2018 07:37

Making a point of distancing herself because of the dreaded MN 'attention seeking' would be attention seeking in itself, and for bad reasons.

I also agree.

The op has come on here and asked a bunch of strangers to slag off her sil because she’s NOT STICKING TO THE RULES. Leave her be. It’s her pregnancy and nobody on here knows her except the op who apparently is “very close” to her and “over the moon for her”... Hmm really sounds like it I must say.

Tbh, if I was the op’s sil, I’d welcome her keeping her beak out from now on instead of inviting people to bitch about her online.

And before you say it op, I’m perfectly calm Hmm. I just don’t think much of this thread. It whiffs of the op wanting to cut the sil down to size when (because) she’s enjoying a happy moment in her life. There are a million reasons why she might be lying about this and who really cares? If you’re so “over the moon” for them, just leave them to it. If you have a problem ask her. Your “not wanting to put her on the spot” excuse doesn’t sound right. If you were feeling so caring and considerate of her feelings that you wouldn’t even countenance saying anything negative to her, you probably wouldn’t have started this thread.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 18/08/2018 07:41

We were surprised to get pregnant quickly, it can happen!

Got off the pill and that was it. I did not know I was pregnant until I was 2 months in, as I had not even had my first period yet.

It can be a decision but still a surprise

MargaretCavendish · 18/08/2018 08:06

I'm sure I'm a bit bitter from how much all the 'gosh it just happened so fast for us' pissed me off when it was not happening for us, but to be honest I think if you're having unprotected sex and are surprised to get pregnant you must be a bit simple.

For the record I think the absolutely most annoying version of the smug fertility boasting is: 'it happened so fast for us - DH was disappointed, he wanted more trying!'. Those people are idiots.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 18/08/2018 08:11

'it happened so fast for us - DH was disappointed, he wanted more trying!'.

I've never heard that, but if I did, I'd just pity them that they apparently have sex only to procreate and stop as soon as they've managed it.

if you're having unprotected sex and are surprised to get pregnant you must be a bit simple.

Quite. And if you're claiming a contraception 'accident', the most likely situations are either that you're lying or too daft to take your contraception properly. Actual contraception failures, when taking your contraception properly, can happen, but they are vanishingly rare. If it fails, it's almost always because you didn't do it properly.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 18/08/2018 08:45

if you're having unprotected sex and are surprised to get pregnant you must be a bit simple.

Quite. And if you're claiming a contraception 'accident', the most likely situations are either that you're lying or too daft to take your contraception properly. Actual contraception failures, when taking your contraception properly, can happen, but they are vanishingly rare. If it fails, it's almost always because you didn't do it properly.

Surely you know it’s not as clear cut as that. Totally straying from the subject of the sil and bil in the op, but do you know how many abortions are carried out every year in this country? Do you honestly think all of those pregnancies were planned? Or is it just that people who have unwanted pregnancies aren’t allowed to say “unplanned” in case it hurts someone’s feelings? They should have known better. They must be “simple” to fall pregnant by accident. Honestly, it’s a two way street when you’re banging your gavel demanding people BE MORE SENSITIVE snarl snarl.

How about this for a radical idea? Leave them to it. Maybe, as has been said on here, they’re feeling insecure about themselves and want to show off how hot / fertile they are. So what? It’s not an attack against someone struggling to conceive. Maybe it is a bit insensitive, but I’ve definitely heard a lot worse, and I think most people have said stupid things when they’re just starting out on an exciting new part of their lives.

When I got engaged for example, my cousin went a bit weird and I only realised later that she dearly wanted to marry her LTP, but he didn’t believe in marriage. She found the excitement around dh and me getting engaged, (honestly we really were quite understated and not at all “squee”, but there was a bit of excitement within the family), really hurtful.

We got married quite young and were one of the first couples in our friends and family to TTC dcs, so I only know from mumsnet the ‘things not to say’ to anyone about pregnancy, just in case they’re struggling to conceive. Otherwise I’d have put my foot in it by now I’m sure. Obviously the big no nos are just common sense “it’s not meant to be” etc, “just relax and it will happen”. That’s insensitive. But it’s not as bad as saying anyone who falls pregnant by accident is faking / simple / fucked up their contraception so it’s their fault. That’s actually deliberately unkind and totally lacking in empathy.

MaisyPops · 18/08/2018 09:02

We were surprised to get pregnant quickly, it can happen!
So it's a surprise that it happened quickly.
Not a surprise that unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy.

Anyone having unprotected sex claiming a pregnancy is a surprise is being a bit dim.

MargaretCavendish · 18/08/2018 09:02

To be clear (since you seem to be conflating our posts) I don't agree with aynrand about actual accidental pregnancies. While it is true that most contraceptive failure is user error, that doesn't make people 'daft' if it happens to them, it just makes them human. Very few people use contraception absolutely perfectly so those that fall pregnant on it are unlucky not stupid.

However, I do maintain that that is quite different to acting like it's a shock to get pregnant when you were knowingly having unprotected sex.

And I don't think anyone was suggesting that the SIL should be hauled over the coals for it if she's making a big song and dance about this fake 'accident' - just that it's a bit insensitive and also a bit silly/immature. It's not a crime but it isn't great behaviour - just like most of the things people complain about on AIBU!

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 18/08/2018 09:05

Oh no, I know the difference between your two posts. I was quoting yours because it didn’t make sense to include just TheObjectivist’s response. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 18/08/2018 09:45

do you know how many abortions are carried out every year in this country? Do you honestly think all of those pregnancies were planned?

Of course not. Where did you get that from? All I said was that contraception, if properly used, almost always works. If it doesn't work, there is a tiny chance it was a genuine fail, but the overwhelming likelihood is that it wasn't being used properly.

Why it wasn't being used properly is a different question.

Maybe, as has been said on here, they’re feeling insecure about themselves and want to show off how hot / fertile they are. So what?

Yes, I agree. It's not a big deal. It does, however, perhaps contribute to the environment in which people struggling to conceive find it even harder to deal with. They think that everyone around them just fell pregnant 'without trying', when in fact a sizeable percentage of those people are lying about it.

Doesn't make a person evil to do it, but it is perhaps a bit thoughtless.

Original poster
Bilbonaggins · 18/08/2018 10:01

Gosh I didn’t mean to enrage anyone by posting this thread - it certainly wasn’t intended to encourage people to bitch about my SIL online (and I don’t even think she is on MN) was more just looking for opinions on why she was portaying it how she was I guess? I wouldn’t have mentioned it with anyone in real life for fear or breaking her confidence so online anonymity seemed like a good way to go. But never having had a child or tried to myself, It was something that puzzled me.

I think the thing I’m taking away from this thread the most is the difference between accident and surprise. If you know lots of your friends have struggled and you’ve been using BC a long time and expected it to take longer I imagine it would have been a surprise. But accident still definitely seems like the wrong word to me!

OP posts:
Icanttakemuchmore · 18/08/2018 10:33

Nrtft. Maybe they were using another form of contraception until they were ready to start trying.... Not something that's of anyone else's business imo. Let her enjoy her moment, and delight of her being pregnant.

Flutterbyeee · 22/08/2018 17:31

How is this your issue??!!

Monty27 · 23/08/2018 04:04

I don't see what your problem is OP. Do you think she's lying? She sounds delighted to me.
Are you envious?
Are you not just a little bit happy for them?
What's the issue here?

MaisyPops · 23/08/2018 08:57

Monty27
Why does a woman have to be envious if she has an opinion on a situation?

The OP has expressed that she thinks it's a bit odd that a couple who've come off contraception to try for a baby are going out their way telling everyone it was an unplanned pregnancy.

No envy. She hasn't said she isn't happy for them. She's said it's a bit odd to go around saying a planned pregnancy isn't planned (and she's right, it's a bit bizarre).