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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why they are pretending it wasn’t planned?!

155 replies

Bilbonaggins · 14/08/2018 17:39

My SIL has just announced her first pregnancy - really exciting and her and BIL are thrilled!

They got married at Christmas and she told me when they got back from her honeymoon that she had gotten her implant removed as they wanted to start a family.

But now she is telling everybody what a surprise it was and how they weren’t even trying? AIBU to find it really odd to pretend a pregnancy was unplanned when they came off BC in order to have a baby?! I find it especially awkward when they say it around friends that I know have been trying for children a while and haven’t been successful.

I can understand pretending it was planned when it wasn’t but why would anyone want to pretend their baby was an accident? Any ideas?!

OP posts:
Touchmybum · 16/08/2018 19:09

Why does it matter?

Soulstirring · 16/08/2018 19:12

I had a similar thing with a close friend who I worked with. I knew she was trying, had been for some months then when she fell pg she made a song and dance it was the first month she tried and how lucky she was. Why?!?!?

Turnitaroundagain · 16/08/2018 19:36

I think some people just want to give the impression thatthey are a super fertile hot couple who don’t even know what fertile times are cos they are always having sex anyway all the time

AynRandTheObjectivist · 16/08/2018 19:49

I think some people just want to give the impression thatthey are a super fertile hot couple who don’t even know what fertile times are cos they are always having sex anyway all the time

Yes, I think this is it.

It's funny because if you think about everyone you know who's ever had a child, and how much you cared whether it was immediate or took a few months as it usually does, you'd realise that actually nobody gives a toss.

MissVanjie · 16/08/2018 20:01

Agree with Saiorse

This is a weird thread

Hope your sil doesn’t join mn and recognise herself, she would probably be very hurt because your tone seems to be about slightly wanting to ascribe negative motivations to her

Mind you maybe it will make her more circumspect about who she shares details of her sex life with

JamForBrains · 16/08/2018 20:02

After DS1 I went on the pill. When I came off the pill I was told it could take several months for my body to come it cycle again (it didn't but that's another story 😁) maybe she was expecting the same?

vincettenoir · 16/08/2018 20:14

I agree with you OP and am surprised that so many on MN don’t see actively deciding to come off contraception and then having unprotected sex as trying for a baby. Of course it is! I also agree that it’s an odd thing for them to lie about. I would guess they are just adding a bit of colour to it to make it all sound a bit more exciting.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/08/2018 20:16

Maybe he wasn't trying - she was . . .

AynRandTheObjectivist · 16/08/2018 20:19

I agree with you OP and am surprised that so many on MN don’t see actively deciding to come off contraception and then having unprotected sex as trying for a baby. Of course it is!

Completely agree. Seems weird to stop taking contraception, keep having sex and insist you're not 'trying'. I could just about get my head around doing this and 'seeing how it goes', but you'll know how you really feel about it if you've still not conceived in 6+ months, I think. If you really don't want a child, you'll be on that contraception.

I agree with PPs who think it's just a way to sound incredibly fertile and sexeh. Which is weird because a) nobody gives a shit and b) if they think anything, they'll probably just think you're a massive idiot for not knowing how to use your contraception properly.

SirGawain · 16/08/2018 20:31

Could someone please explain why it is anyone elses business whether a pregnancy was planned or accidental.

SevernWye · 16/08/2018 20:41

I should think it’s when they bother to tell you if it was planned or not.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 16/08/2018 21:09

Could someone please explain why it is anyone elses business whether a pregnancy was planned or accidental.

Well it isn't, of course, but if they choose to tell you then they've kind of included you in it.

MaisyPops · 16/08/2018 21:24

Seems weird to stop taking contraception, keep having sex and insist you're not 'trying'. I could just about get my head around doing this and 'seeing how it goes', but you'll know how you really feel about it if you've still not conceived in 6+ months, I think.
This. ^^
We stopped using contraception and continued having sex. If we finally got a BFP then it would be a surprise (Because we're on 2 years and having fertility testing) but it's hardly a 'oh would you look what happened' moment.
Some of us will probably need to be more proactive than others, some will need additional assistance, some are lucky, some are unlucky but the common factor is if you're having regular unprotected sex then you're trying for a baby. The amount of additional effort or assurance required doesn't make someone more or less TTC.

Could someone please explain why it is anyone elses business whether a pregnancy was planned or accidental.
It isn't. But if someone goes around sharing then they are making others aware. If they are going around making a big fuss about how easy it was for them and how unplanned it was (because they must be just super fertile or lucky etc to have magically conceived) around friends they know have been trying then in my opinion that also makes them a bit dickish.
'We're expecting' to friends struggling to conceive- great congratulations
'We're expecting and it was such a shock etc' to friends struggling to conceive, a bit gutting at times because it's sometimes really hard when you're struggling and others seem to manage
'We're expecting and it's such a surprise and unplanned, out of the blue etc' knowing full well you've been having regular unprotected sex with a view of having a baby is just pointless lying in my opinion. Why do it?

SirGawain · 16/08/2018 22:18

When Lady Gawain and I were trying to conceive we did not feel the need to divulge this fact to anyone!

batshitbetty · 16/08/2018 22:48

Well we aren't trying, but I came off the pill and we are just going to give nature a chance and see what happens - I'm old (41) and round (Blush) so not holding out hope and we'll be equally happy either way but didn't want to get to 60 and wonder 'what if'. So yes, I can understand why they may have come off the pill and still consider it unplanned!!

AynRandTheObjectivist · 16/08/2018 22:54

batshitbetty, I very much hope you conceive and have a healthy child. But the fact that you think it unlikely doesn't mean you aren't trying or a child wouldn't be planned!

tolerable · 16/08/2018 22:56

tough tits.theyrefamily.keep to yourself cos thats how it goes=no harm done.you sttert pointing out faults with that you'll be sorry for sure.easy hit/struggling/not at all isnt a choice.smile.you got a neice or nephew in the post?

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo · 16/08/2018 23:15

I'm with others who have said if your having unprotected sex, you have to at some point expect a pregnancy.

DC1 was a "surprise" I was on birth control, I followed it to the text book. Hello DC1....surprise!!

DC2 (who I am currently pregnant with) I had my mirena coil removed a year ago, we have been playing with fire by not using condoms 100% of the time. We got burnt...it's not a surprise 😂

Strongmummy · 16/08/2018 23:33

It doesn’t matter

pollymere · 17/08/2018 00:12

I was told due to medical issues that it would be difficult to get pregnant so anticipated years of trying. I got pregnant the first time I wasn't careful! It was a huge lovely surprise. I haven't managed it since either. I suspect this is what they mean, so don't be too hard on them.

Biblio78 · 17/08/2018 06:43

Sounds like they thought it would take longer than it did. Not surprising as that it what people are told about long term contraception, though many people discover otherwise!

pacempercutiens · 17/08/2018 07:01

DH and I weren't trying, but we were using condoms during/around what my app said was my fertile days. I had come off the pill to clear it out my system as we planned to start trying 9 months later. We had one time we thought we'd be ok 2 or 3 days before fertile window. Our little surprise arrived at the time we thought we'd be starting to try 😀.

We refer to it as we were not trying, but not being careful. Now trying for 2nd DC and I'm glad we were so lucky last time!

Bond0O7 · 17/08/2018 07:16

I got off birth control wanting a baby but we weren't necessarily "trying" for a baby we went in with a "whatever happens, happens" attitide and we never thought it would happen so quickly for us so I can understand what your Sil is talking about.

Bond0O7 · 17/08/2018 07:17

*attitude

Rollonweekend · 17/08/2018 07:33

I don't think its anyone's business but I do see how others who find it difficult to conceive find it smug.

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