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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why they are pretending it wasn’t planned?!

155 replies

Bilbonaggins · 14/08/2018 17:39

My SIL has just announced her first pregnancy - really exciting and her and BIL are thrilled!

They got married at Christmas and she told me when they got back from her honeymoon that she had gotten her implant removed as they wanted to start a family.

But now she is telling everybody what a surprise it was and how they weren’t even trying? AIBU to find it really odd to pretend a pregnancy was unplanned when they came off BC in order to have a baby?! I find it especially awkward when they say it around friends that I know have been trying for children a while and haven’t been successful.

I can understand pretending it was planned when it wasn’t but why would anyone want to pretend their baby was an accident? Any ideas?!

OP posts:
JynxaSmoochum · 15/08/2018 16:23

DC1 was "planned" but surprisingly quick. I always had very irregular cycles and spent much of my 20s on hormonal contraceptives to manage my periods. I had the implant out, had some unprotected sex in the following weeks, then the mother of all PMT some weeks later. I mused that the PMT was being unusally persistant then twigged I felt a little queasy so did a test. I absolutely did not expect to find a positive pregnancy test and six weeks pregnant before I'd got as far as opening the pack of OPKs.

After DC2, I got as far as getting an implant out to TTC for DC3. Got back to work after the holiday and was given a temporary opportunity at work that put plans on hold then got cold feet. I haven't used long term contraception since as my periods are quite managable now, DH doesn't want to undergo permanent contraception. DC2 is pretty effective contraception with a top up of condoms when required. I don't want to intentionally create a DC3 at this stage in life but if one was determined to occur, it would be accepted happily into our family.

SpottedTiger · 15/08/2018 17:29

Our very much wanted baby is a surprise in so much as we had been trying for years and was due to start fertility treatment the week I got my BFP. It was a wonderful, shock and huge surprise as we had pretty much given up hoping to conceive naturally. I have used the word surprise a couple of times and then realised that it makes it sound unplanned, when it is anything but.

Ohyesiam · 15/08/2018 17:34

I wonder if it’s a stealth boast.maybe she feels it implies how young and healthy they are and what an unpredictable and rampant sex life they have.
Or maybe I’m hormonal and cynical....

bananafish81 · 15/08/2018 17:56

There's TTC - trying to conceive, ie actively trying to get pregnant by deliberately ensuring sex is timed around the fertile period

And NTNP - not trying not preventing, whereby you're not focused on trying to aim for conception, but you're not actively aiming to prevent conception either

notacooldad · 15/08/2018 18:23

I mean, you don't have to try in order to get pregnant
Bloody ridiculous and insensitive statement.

notacooldad · 15/08/2018 18:24

I wonder if it’s a stealth boast.maybe she feels it implies how young and healthy they are and what an unpredictable and rampant sex life they have.
Or maybe I’m hormonal and cynical Probably!

MargaretCavendish · 15/08/2018 18:53

I think it's actually quite common for people to pretend their baby was less planned that it was. I had a few friends who had made comments about it surprises or happening straightaway who when I was open with them about my own fertility issues then spoke about using OPKs, temping, etc. I think some people feel a bit embarrassed about having to try - like it makes you a bit desperate? - and so pretend to be more fertile than they were. I also think it's a bit of a shitty lie to tell because it makes people feel like there's something wrong if it doesn't happen straight away, and it makes it feel more lonely if you do have problems. But I think it's a common truth to fudge.

BetterEatCheese · 15/08/2018 18:56

Maybe they had the implant removed but hadn't actually started trying yet. That's not so odd.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 15/08/2018 19:16

I don't think that not using contraception always equals "trying", or that "planned" babies can't be surprises.

Both my dc were planned. The first one happened immediately -we were surprised by this, but delighted.

The second time we had stopped using contraception but as shift workers we had to "try" as we were often working opposite shifts etc during my fertile time. No opks or temps etc, just needed to "try" find the time to make the magic happen! Grin

spotspot · 15/08/2018 19:28

I know a couple JUST like this about their current pregnancy. They are like it with everything ; birthdays, getting engaged, the actual wedding, etc. Always desperate to act as though they hadn't tried/hadn't put any effort in but in actuality had planned everything to the nth degree, invested loads of time and thought and money, etc.

I figured it was a kind of pretentiousness in a way- wanting to seem super cool and breezy and for some reason they feel as if making effort is not cool. It's weird and I find them very annoying for it!

MargaretCavendish · 15/08/2018 20:05

I figured it was a kind of pretentiousness in a way- wanting to seem super cool and breezy and for some reason they feel as if making effort is not cool.

I think that's it too. I get it to an extent - when I realised that we were definitely going to have to 'try' it upset me partially because I associated it with women who are obsessed with their weddings, etc. - which was so stupid and judgemental of me. But you do see that superior attitude about women who are 'too desperate' while TTCing a lot - see any thread about taking pregnant tests early or about the importance of 'just relaxing'.

Original poster
Bilbonaggins · 15/08/2018 20:10

If I had to guess I would say the last two posts are probably the most likely about her not wanting to seem desperate for it. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Bilbonaggins · 15/08/2018 20:11

In her mind as well as to other people! I’ve learned a lot about ttc from posting this! I feel like I’m definitely going to be the obsessive type when we get round to it though Grin

OP posts:
Funnybunnydog · 15/08/2018 20:14

I didnt want to 'try' for a baby as i knew I would end up letting it consume me so instead of trying for a baby we stopped trying not to have one.

BlackberryandNettle · 15/08/2018 22:53

This is a guess but was she out drinking/smoking a lot around conception time and now feels a bit bad so is trying to 'explain' by telling everyone it wasn't planned?

dorisdog · 16/08/2018 17:33

You say they've been saying this around friends who've been trying for years. Is it possible they are playing down how easy it was for them, to spare people's feelings?

Raindancer411 · 16/08/2018 17:42

Well ours was a surprise, but that was only as the other half had been told by the hospital he had extremely low sperm count and they said would need help conceiving. So it’s interesting how others view things

SerenDippitty · 16/08/2018 17:43

You say they've been saying this around friends who've been trying for years. Is it possible they are playing down how easy it was for them, to spare people's feelings?

If you are struggling to conceive, knowing that others do it without trying just makes it worse.

Puremince · 16/08/2018 18:25

DC2 was a surprise. We were trying, but then DC1 was ill for the whole of my fertile time, and was sleeping in our bed, so we thought we'd missed our chance that month. I must have fallen pregnant on day 6 of my cycle. Lovely surprise!

KingBobra · 16/08/2018 18:29

Does she work? It can sometimes be more hassle than it's worth to have to deal with the fall-out than just to make out it was a surprise. So it might be easier to tell people that, than worry about it getting back to work that you were trying to get pregnant, and dealing with the aggro.

KickAssAngel · 16/08/2018 18:30

I'm another person who doesn't understand 'shades' of trying. I know that there are people who need some extra planning or assistance to become pregnant,

BUT

The idea that somehow having unprotected sex doesn't count as 'trying' to get pregnant does worry me. ANYONE who has PIV sex (even with protection) stands a chance of becoming a parent. It bothers me that some people seem to think it needs extra effort (which it can) when it is FAR more likely that someone having sex will become a parent. It seems a lot of people think that because they've decided they're 'not trying' that they're somehow immune to pregnancy. Like it's mind over matter, when it's the reverse that is true - to have sex and NOT become pregnant requires more effort.

As someone who teaches teenagers (and I've taught pregnant teens who 'weren't trying to get pregnant - it just happened'), I'm worried by the idea that unprotected sex might not lead to parenthood unless someone was really concentrating on getting pregnant.

Basically, anyone who's having unprotected sex IS 'trying' to get pregnant. They may not get upduffed, but they're consciously doing all the right things to get there.

SevernWye · 16/08/2018 18:36

I work in a maternity unit, years ago we had a section in the patient notes that had two questions, was the pregnancy planned? If not, what contraception did you use in the last 6 months?

Many women said unplanned, no contraception in the last 6 months.

Confusedbeetle · 16/08/2018 18:38

Does it really matter? maybe there is just too much sharing going on these days

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/08/2018 18:48

Exactly, KickAss!

I'm having a slight re-think about the messaging I need to make sure I get across loud and clear to DD when she's older.

sunshinelollipopsrainbows · 16/08/2018 18:51

We did this because we were 24 and knew it'd go down like a sack of shit, and it did. We didn't want to deal with the criticisms of trying.