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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why they are pretending it wasn’t planned?!

155 replies

Bilbonaggins · 14/08/2018 17:39

My SIL has just announced her first pregnancy - really exciting and her and BIL are thrilled!

They got married at Christmas and she told me when they got back from her honeymoon that she had gotten her implant removed as they wanted to start a family.

But now she is telling everybody what a surprise it was and how they weren’t even trying? AIBU to find it really odd to pretend a pregnancy was unplanned when they came off BC in order to have a baby?! I find it especially awkward when they say it around friends that I know have been trying for children a while and haven’t been successful.

I can understand pretending it was planned when it wasn’t but why would anyone want to pretend their baby was an accident? Any ideas?!

OP posts:
Monty27 · 15/08/2018 02:47

They may have thought it would take longer. Happy days for them Smile

roundaboutthetown · 15/08/2018 08:00

mrbob - and anyone asking whether you were using condoms after taking ou the implant, or were naive enough to think you were infertile at the time, would be bloody rude and intrusive, wouldn't they. So no point whatsoever speculating on whether or not they were telling the truth...

Original poster
Bilbonaggins · 15/08/2018 10:09

I am starting to see that a lot of people see a difference between ‘trying’ and ‘actively trying’ which I didn’t really realise before tbh. I just assumed that once you had come of your birth control deliberately and had the conversation about having children, any resulting pregnancy was planned. Certainly not an accident - although I suppose I do see how it can still be surprising for it to happen quicker than people might think. I still wouldn’t tell any one who would listen it was an accident though - I still think it insensitive to those around you and seems a little wrong to describe a planned baby as an accident!

Thanks all for the input - and to those saying be happy for them, I am over the moon to be an auntie!! Grin

OP posts:
SaoirseTheSeahorse · 15/08/2018 11:22

Thinking about it, regardless of what she said to you previously, you have no idea if it was planned or not. People change their minds on and off. I know we did with dc2 and were definitely not trying when I fell pregnant as we were using condoms on fertile days and in the week leading up to fertile days. But if you asked the nurse who removed my coil for me a few months before, she’d have said I was trying for a baby. I wasn’t.

So it isn’t necessarily insensitive of her. I wouldn’t make that judgement.

Congratulations on becoming an auntie Smile! It’s ace.

CornishFairing · 15/08/2018 11:24

I lied at work and said my baby wasn't planned (my boss asked me!!!) when it was - I had been there for a very short time when I fell pg. I didn't expect it to happen at all as we'd been trying for years.

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson · 15/08/2018 11:40

It all depends, we were not using anything but we were not actively "trying" as we'd had a diagnosis of infertility and had pretty much given up whilst we were waiting on treatment. Told it "could" happen but it was very highly unlikely. My pregnancy was a massive shock to both of us, due to the diagnosis and also because I fell pregnant so quickly, only 5 months after I had my coil removed. This alone was a massive shock as we have friends who have been trying unsuccessfully for years with no fertility issues. Tied in with the fact I've not had a regular period since labour were in government, we consider it a surprise!

Original poster
Bilbonaggins · 15/08/2018 12:21

That sounds like a definite, but lovely surprise Angua, congratulations! Would you call it an ‘accident’ though?

I feel as though that implies it wasn’t wanted at the time of conception (although I know a baby can be much wanted once known about) and like previous posters have said if you are regularly shagging without birth control because you’d like a baby, it isn’t really an accident..

To me an accident is a birth control failure!

OP posts:
SaoirseTheSeahorse · 15/08/2018 13:58

You don’t know they were “regularly shagging to have a baby”. For all you know, they’d started using condoms, or she’d gone back on the pill. Maybe just get on with being happy auntie-to-be and stop second guessing what they’ve told you. They say it’s unplanned. There’s no reason to doubt that. They were planning a baby last time you spoke to her, but plans change 🤷‍♀️. They now say it was unplanned. It’s a bit ott and unnecessary to go all Miss Marple about it Grin!

Original poster
Bilbonaggins · 15/08/2018 14:32

Trust me, I know for a fact they were trying (as in having unprotected sex for conception reasons not ovulation tracking etc - we are V close and she’s told me a lot of things that I won’t put on here as outing!)

It isn’t me she is saying it wasn’t planned to it just seems be everyone else!

OP posts:
SaoirseTheSeahorse · 15/08/2018 14:34

Well, seeing as you’re very close, have ups considered just asking her what the craic is? Why ask mn when you can ask her?

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 15/08/2018 14:34

Have you considered*

Original poster
Bilbonaggins · 15/08/2018 15:15

Because if she has a reason for saying it I don’t want to put her on the spot/make her feel bad!

It’s her choice at the end of the day what she tells people I was just looking for other people’s perspectives on why someone would say this.

OP posts:
serbska · 15/08/2018 15:19

There is trying and TRYING

Having sex without contraception = trying

Having sex all the time, checking temperatures and ovulation and being really militant about it = TRYNG

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 15/08/2018 15:21

Well, you’ve called it bizarre and insensitive. Tbh, if I was her and someone I was really close to was saying that about me on the internet, I’d probably feel a lot better if you just asked me in the first place. All you’re getting here is people speculating about something quite personal to her. And you’re supposed to be a close friend of hers? I know I wouldn’t like this thread if I was her. I’d rather you just asked if you have some sort of problem with it. And if there’s no problem, great. No need for the thread then is there really?

YesitsJacqueline · 15/08/2018 15:21

I always say my ds was a surprise- of the nuce variety. Although i came off the pill ' to see what happened ' neither dp nor i had much hope- we were planning the ivf we would probably need after 18 months . I didnt track my ovulation as i didnt want the disappointment- id had endometriosis for 20 years, and was 38 - and dp was on very strong drugs for crohns that the consultant said wpuld render him sterile. 5 months later what a shock that bfp was!!!

IceCreamFace · 15/08/2018 15:23

I think it's insensitive to say it to someone who has been trying for a while. I guess you can go to different lengths when trying but having unprotected sex is definitely trying for a baby and it shouldn't be that much of a surprise when you get pregnant!

Original poster
Bilbonaggins · 15/08/2018 15:29

Calm down Seahorse, this is a forum where people can ask others opinions on things and that’s why I started this thread Hmm

But the differences between trying and TRYING, unplanned and accident etc are noted, thanks everyone!

OP posts:
DLB22 · 15/08/2018 15:31

I came off the pill because DH and I wanted to start trying but then got cold feet and stopped. I fell pregnant soon after when we were not careful on holiday. So I do tell friends that it is an unplanned but not unwanted pregnancy. Like me they might have been edging in the right direction but not quite ready to take the jump.

SaoirseTheSeahorse · 15/08/2018 15:34

Hahaha calm down? You’re the one starting bitchy threads about your close friends on mumsnet over absolutely nothing HmmHmmHmm.

MaisyPops · 15/08/2018 15:35

To me (But maybe I'm being daft) if someone comes off contraception because they want a baby, have unprotected sex because they want a baby and then get pregnant then they were trying for a baby and it's not a bloody surprise.

I say this as someone who's been TTC for 2 years. The TTC time started when DH and I thought we'd be open to a baby.

If you are not preventing a baby then you are trying for a baby.

4GreenApples · 15/08/2018 15:37

Maybe she’s saying it’s a surprise because there’s someone in her life that she feels will disapprove of the pregnancy?

Lweji · 15/08/2018 15:41

Maybe they are now telling everyone else it wasn't planned, as people tend to ask about babies and, perhaps, they told them they weren't trying to avoid the constant questioning. So, they are now saying it was an accident so that they don't want to tell them they effectively lied about it.

cyantist · 15/08/2018 16:01

If you're very close then why not ask her?

As someone who TTC for bloody ages I feel it is insensitive that make out to those people it was an accident but maybe she had a good reason for lying about it

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 15/08/2018 16:06

Like others have said, there's trying and TRYING. I didn't do temperature, ovulation tracking etc. My implant was removed 3 years before I concieved, and we used condoms in my fertile week. We knew we were taking a risk, yes, but that's not the same as planning. My pregnancy was a happy surprise.

There's a whole load of hassle and complication some women have to go to when ttc. I'm lucky not to even know the vocab. It would be unfair of me to coopt their "trying" - we weren't.

MaisyPops · 15/08/2018 16:21

ArchbishopOfBanterbury
But you used condoms so a happy surprise probably does (sort of) describe your situation. You ovulate at another time and you took the risk knowing you were open to a baby so would be happy with the outcome.

We've been TTC for 2 years (I don't get OPKs and temping etc) but we aren't any less trying. Based on the ideas on this thread we aren't really trying because I'm not seeing on sticks every 5 second and taking my temperature wach morning.

Anyone having regular unprotected sex is either trying for a baby or is is being an idiot who is too stupid to understand contraception.

If the OP's relative came off contraception because they wanted a baby then that's TTC.