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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sil to provide childcare

400 replies

Wadewilson · 14/08/2018 10:03

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

OP posts:
squeaver · 15/08/2018 19:10

I hope your SIL hasn't given up her job while you're researching childminders.

Kardashianlove · 15/08/2018 19:10

@Thirtyrock39 yes but they would have to employ her, she would have to pay tax and NI etc. If they were going to do this, they would be better employing a professional nanny.

Thirtyrock39 · 15/08/2018 19:24

That's not true
It would be if you are employing a nanny
There's no rules for family childcare arrangements
Plenty of people find it a good option that's cheaper than nursery
Obv in ops case she wants something different

Tara336 · 15/08/2018 19:29

I paid my mum to look after my daughter and while I was grateful and knew she was safe and happy there were times when she didn’t respect my point of view as a parent. This made things very strained at times.

smilingontheinside · 15/08/2018 19:31

Mixing family and childcare can and does frequently go tits up! I would stay well bleary if you want to keep your current close relationship Wink

smilingontheinside · 15/08/2018 19:32

Clear not bleary Blush

sweetsomethings · 15/08/2018 19:44

Thirty can you point to where that information is from everything I have looked up it says family members don’t need to register to look after children as long as no payment is received . Cause it would be classed as working on the side if the SIL wasn’t declaring the money .

Callaird · 15/08/2018 19:45

Is your SIL having your child at her house or yours?

It is illegal to pay someone to look after your child in their house, unless she registers as a childminder. She could look after them in your home as a nanny!

If there are other registered childminders in her area, they will call OFSTED and HMRC.

For you as her employer you will need to pay tax, NI and employers NI. If you want to pay her £200 a week that would be £866.66 net wage for your SIL. You would have to pay £22.45 for her national insurance contributions and £25.82 for your employers NI contribution. She would be under the tax threshold so no tax to pay. You would need to get an agency to do pay slips for you, unless you know how to do that yourself, around £150 a year. You will have to pay her for her 28 days holiday a year (if she works 5 days a week) you will also have to pay her SSP if she is ill. That will be a total of £927.33 a month (without SSP)

If you do not pay her legally and get found out, there is a fine of all back dated tax and NI plus the interest that HMRC would have earned plus a huge fine around £20,000 or a prison sentence. If you are in jobs in the public sector your employers will be told, you may lose your job and you may be struck off.

If you can afford all of that, go ahead!

Callaird · 15/08/2018 19:48

@Kardashianlove - I’m a live in professional nanny, I earn £38k a year, that’s quite a lot more than £200 a week!

sweetsomethings · 15/08/2018 19:49

Calliard she is wanting to pay her SIL £400 a month so £100 a week

sweetsomethings · 15/08/2018 19:51

Sorry I should say it’s not the OP who wants to pay £100 a week it’s her other half

mumsastudent · 15/08/2018 19:54

of course what you could say is that if your dh wants his sister to look after dc than he can pay

arbrighton · 15/08/2018 19:55

Long and short of it is she can't take the money for it as others have said, without registering as a childminder and jumping through hoops for inspection through ofsted

Jeepy · 15/08/2018 19:55

You've answered your own question. 'Educate a woman, you educate a family'.

And others are right, there are issues with legality. There was a case of two police women who decided to take care of each other's children to share childcare and were prevented from doing so (FFS).

Callaird · 15/08/2018 19:56

Relatives can look after your children without being registered, however, they cannot accept payment. That is illegal.

Nannies work in the families home, most nannies now need to be DBS checked, have paediatric first aid and insurance.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 15/08/2018 19:59

Those women weren't related. The issues with legality wouldn't have arisen if they were.

Kardashianlove · 15/08/2018 20:00

@Callaird yes, I understand a nanny earns more than £200 a week but if the OP was employing the SIL to look after DC in her own home (as pp suggested) she would surely have to pay her more than this.

If the OP was going to pay SIL to care for DC in her home she would be better having a professional nanny who plays with the DC, feeds them well, takes them out etc rather than having SIL come and put them infront of a screen all day.

sweetsomethings · 15/08/2018 20:01

Minge they also weren’t taking payment for looking after each other’s children like this case

Vicky1990 · 15/08/2018 20:02

I would not let this woman look after my cat let alone a child.
She is not a good mother and not a fit person to look after a child.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 15/08/2018 20:07

So the case of the policewomen is doubly not relevant here. But honestly, the rules are different for family. They are.

sweetsomethings · 15/08/2018 20:12

You can’t take payment off family and not declare it . It would be ok if it was a once off but this is a full time job for the foreseeable future.

Callaird · 15/08/2018 20:13

Sorry, my mistake. So no contributions to pay. However, you SIL will want extra money for food (joy, not only will she be eating crap food but you then have to pay for the crap food!) outings, classes (if she goes to any) fuel (for her to go shopping!)

By the sounds of it there will be no EYFS followed, the only education she will get is from the tv she watches. What happens if her cousins decide they don’t want a baby taking their mummy away? What if they take it out on your daughter? What if your daughter has an accident while with your SIL? Will she know what to do? As I said above, all the professional nannies/nursery nurses I know have up to date paediatric first aid and will know how to assess and do what is needed.

I’ve been a nanny for 32 years, I’ve had to deal with stitches, choking, anaphylactic shock, swine flu, febrile convulsions, suspected asthma attack (most when employers were home and I was not working, 2 when I was no longer their nanny but visiting for a weekend) it’s terrifying but I knew what I had to do and got on with it and turned into a gibbering wreck once the children were safe.

Also, what happens when SIL finds out that other people are getting paid much more than you are paying and wants a bit pay rise?!

Mixedupmummy · 15/08/2018 20:18

I'm not sure if anyone else has mentioned this but aren't you concerned that your oh went behind your back and asked your sil knowing it was against your wishes?
also if you're raising dc together shouldn't you talk openly about how you are going to raise them and what's important to you so you're on the same page with things. For example, screen time, diet, activties, education, discipline? I'm sure your dh won't be offended to hear you don't want to raise your dc as he was raised as I'm sure you will recognise there were things your parents did that you will do differently.

Almahart · 15/08/2018 20:19

Agree with PP. At some point SIL will find out she is being paid far less than a childminder and the shit will hit the fan

Cuttingthegrass · 15/08/2018 20:20

Never mix family or friends with business.

It's an age old saying that has stood the test of time for very good reason.

I feel for you OP. I know you're trying to be diplomatic. But your husband is walking all over you. He is not respecting you. He is not listening to your point of view. He is being selfish. Take a deep breath and just be honest.