To not want sil to provide childcare

[Wadewilson]

I'm fully prepared to be told iabu, and possibly a bit snobby but that's why I'm asking.

Sil has a part time job during the day that she absolutely hates. She only gets £200/ month for it, but they need that extra money so she can't quit.
I'm due to go back to work after mat leave soon, and local nurseries are about £800/month. DH has suggested instead of that, speaking to his sister and offering her 300-400/month to provide childcare. Cheaper for us than nursery, and she could quit the job she hates and have more money.

The issue is, I dont want her to. I love sil, she's like an actual sister to me and I love spending time with her. But, her children spend almost 24/7 on phones and tablets (they are 2 and 6). If they are playing with toys rather than tablets they are told to be quiet and just go on the tablet instead of making noise. They are also fed convenience foods all the time. Constantly having chocolate, sweets, ice lollies. Actual meals are things like potato waffles with beans and sausage from a tin, frozen pizzas, that sort of thing. The nearest I've seen her children have to a home cooked meal is spag bol from a can. We are there quite a lot, so see a good range of their meals. We've also been away with them before, and all the children will eat is things like burgers and pizzas and chicken nuggets.
I know I sound really snobby and awful by saying that, but that isn't what we eat and definitely not what I want dc to eat. When i was growing up it was all home cooked food, vegetables, proper meals. That's what we eat now, and thats what i want dc to grow up eating. I know i cant force dc to like vegetables and things, but if vegetables and home cooked food is normal there is more chance of them liking it.

Aibu by thinking that? And aibu for not wanting her to provide childcare?
And do people have any other options? We could afford the 800 for nursery, but it would make things tight, and dh is insistent about not paying it and giving his sister money instead.

I wouldn't be focusing on the relationship issue. Your DH has already done that by railroading you into a decision you have already said no to. It certainly isn't your responsibility to provide your SiL with a job, which means substandard care for your child, for all the reasons already stated.

I'd have a good alternative to offer, then make it clear you want that option. If he refuses point-blank, then you have a serious DH problem. He has chosen his DS over you and your DC. If you give in now, it will only get worse.

No way would I go ahead with this OP. Because she is family, your child will be treated the same as your SIL’s own children (which is understandable). She isn’t going to make any extra effort with your child just because she gets paid for it. Don’t get me wrong, I give my children junk every now and again and put them in front of the iPads, but no way would I want that for my child 5 days a week. Let alone if I’m paying for it.
Her hating her job has got nothing to do with you either. If she gives up her job and things go sour with your arrangement, they will resent you for it. And you’ll also resent having to work for very substandard care for your own child.

I've got a few quotes for local childminders, and when you take the tax free childcare into account they are only around 510-550/ month.
Found a couple I like the look of so will go and meet them. Possibly drag dh along so he can see the benefits.

This is so frustrating. The op just has to say no absolutely not, but instead witters on about financial comparisons (yes, you do save money by giving your kids crappy care), and then disappears. In the meantime the window is closing to not have serious repercussions such as sil handing in notice to her job.

I just want to point out that if SIL gets cash in hand and doesn’t pay her national insurance doesn’t that mean she can’t claim a pension if she claims benefits as well as the cash from you guys that’s breaking the law and she’ll get caught when grassed up by a noisy neighbour. When you claim benefits your NI is frozen

Can avnyone clarify the legality thing? Lots of people saying it's illegal, lots saying it isn't. I didn't think it was illegal to pay family for childcare

At some point you're still going to have to use the word "no" though, op.

IT ISN'T ILLEGAL. THE USUAL RULES DON'T APPLY WITH FAMILY.

I'm quite a fan of family childcare arrangements and both give and receive childcare in the family. But full time sounds very unwieldy even if you and SIL were totally on the same page. On purely practical grounds what's going to happen when they're on holiday, or she's ill? Childminders have contingencies for this.

I absolutely agreee with you about the importance of good food - but have you checked what food the potential nursery will provide? It would be a lot of work, but you could provide really good packed meals for your children when they go to SIL.

Overall I agree with others though, it is never a good idea to employ friends or relatives to do this sort of work, it causes resentment and difficulties on both sides. NI and pensions are also an issue as she would be an employee and entitled to have you pay both.

Things like cans of spag bol are 30p in Asda. Maybe she feeds them bad food due to poor pay and not being at home. If you do this, you will have to help her become a registered childminder and discuss things like food. It might be a good way to get along with his family better and get then some aspirations.

MN actually has a page about this!

www.mumsnet.com/jobs/childcare-by-a-relative

Got to be in their home or yours though.

That extra 200 would be gone in all the extra costs of having an extra person in her house for 50 hours. Never mind the food too. It’s an awful idea. Your husband sounds like he is trying to save money in all the wrong areas. Is he always so cheap . Must be hard to live with someone like that

I'd be going down the route of sorting out your dh problem instead of focusing on the childcare issue.
He must have zero respect for you to do that behind your back when you have explicitly told him it's not what you want. He's trying to manipulate you into it by asking knowing you won't want to offend or make a fuss.
You need to sort this behaviour towards you out. It will only get worse once kids are involved.

When you claim benefits your NI is frozen

When you claim benefits your NI is paid for you by the DWP.

When you claim benefits, I suspect you are not supposed to be getting £400 a month from elsewhere.

OP, stop wittering about how to persuade DH and tell SiL you have decided against imposing on her good nature because of some of the drawbacks posted on here.

You have read them haven't you?

Oh FFS OP, stop pussyfooting around him!

Why can't you have an honest conversation with your husband? Why does he think it's OK to overrule you and go behind your back? Why can't you have a go at him about this? Are you scared of him or his reaction? If you are, don't have any more children with this man, and start thinking about ending the relationship, because this is not an equal partnership.

You started this thread yesterday, what discussion did you have about this last night?

As a nanny I wonder why people think that anybody is suited to childcare. !!!! I trained and qualified and it is actually a vocation rather than something just to do to make money

I'd be ok with 1 or 2 days a week but why would you want this for your DD 1/2 days every week? As a one off, eating rubbish and watching telly all day is fine but every single week for such a long day? I really wouldn’t want that for my kids.
I wonder if spending so much time with SIL has ‘normalised’ this for you to an extent you are actually happy with putting your DD in that environment regularly.

I think you need to talk to DH about why you don’t want to use SIL. Discussing how you want to bring your DD up is not really a conversation to be avoided with her dad!

Your childhood sounds lovely and it’s great you want this for your DD. I would have another think about whether you can afford to go part time, things like cutting down what your DH spends on coffee/lunch etc, there must be other things you can look at. She’s only this little once and you will never ever get this time back. All the lovely things you want to do with your DD won’t fit easily into a weekend unfortunately.

Also bear in mind the impact to your and DH jobs if you were caught doing this. Some industries would dismiss for having SIL childmind illegally (unlikely you would be found out, I know, but worth bearing in mind).

Gosh we did something similar with DH aunt, it only lasted about 3/4 months before we ended it. Reasons similar to your worries - I love his aunt to pieces but she is just completely different and brings her children up very differently, the same kind of issues with food etc so I would say definitely go for nursery, it's more structured, you get what you pay for and it's reliable also and won't cause family disagreements. There was not huge worries, he was safe etc but lots of little niggles and it just didn't work.

You can pay a family member for childcare
Or anyone in your own home

Don’t forget you would still have to pay her when either she or you went on holiday. Sounds like she would really need the money. Also what would the set up be for days out etc. Would he expect your sister to fork out for that too. One trip to the zoo etc easily £20

Yes thirty but to do that you would need to declare the Money and employ them not pay them £2 an hour

Send your child with their own food for lunch - you will be feeding tea yourself probably - Make contributions to the 'snack store' for all the children - it would be incredibly cheap for you to buy packs of rice cakes and all the stuff you would rather your child ate. I was a childminder for 10 years and the hardest thing for young children is other peoples food. I explained this to parents, and they often always agreed - we had a family that only ate organic food, and would not allow their daughter to eat anything other than that - she was happy, they were happy = I was happy! I would supply basic snacks - fruit, rice cakes those "p - f" fromage-fraise as snacks, but I had a typed up list of what would be available if they could not fetch lunch or were running late and needed me to give their child dinner before they collected them. Your SIL would probably welcome your input - especially as it will be starting while your child is still a baby. It's a thought. I hope you find your solution :-)

I am appalled that your DH feels able to ask his sister to look after your DC with the knowledge that you don’t want her to. Your DH is a big problem here. I wouldn’t have any of my family look after my DC either. My DM was the same as your DH. Kids were seen and not heard and left to get on with it. If you don’t want to leave your DC with your SIL then don’t. Time to put your foot down I am afraid and get your DC looked after by a nanny or a nursery who will provide a good structured day and healthy meals. You have seen your SiL attitude to her own DC it’s not going to change by adding yours into the mix. Remember your little one will be spending most of her waking time mon - fri with her if you choose that path.

Definitely go and see the childminders and also view nurseries. Have you considered a live in nanny? We went down the nursery route with our children as that was what we felt most comfortable with. On the odd occasion we were not happy we were able to go in and speak to staff and resolve the issue to our satisfaction ( on one occasion in relation to each child that meant removing them from the nursery they were at - different nurseries in relation to each). Your child is the most important thing in your life and if you are not looking after them as you are working then you have to be happy with the childcare you have arranged (and to be constantly vigilant and aware of any changes in circumstances). There are fabulous nursery assistants and child minders out there who have specifically chosen to do that for their careers and will not just love your child as much as some family members would, but also give them a happy and structured day with good food. When one nursery caused us concerns we paid over the odds to get our DD into a different one which was fantastic for her for the next couple of years - even though it felt like I was essentially working just to cover the childcare for a while. With our other DD the family run nursery she was at was sold and the new company cut staff numbers and introduced sugary drinks and non-healthy, but doubtless cheaper, food. We were just not happy, and we found another great nursery with excellent staff. Like someone else has said I wouldn’t mix and match to appease your DH and SIL. The hassle and time spent researching your best available options and viewing them will pay off in relation to peace of mind.