to be concerned with SD's obsession with babies?

[Yannia]

My first is due in November. Me and DH so excited, and so is SD, 7. Problem is, she's obsessed with babies, and this makes me extremely nervous. This paired with her inability to listen has made me dread her being around when DC is born.

Last week, I went to visit a friend who has a 2 month old. SD came with me. I thought it would be nice for her to spend some time with a tiny baby before her brother/sister is born. She was absolutely awful. She wouldn't put the baby down, my friend had to tell her off, when she was put down for a nap in the next room, SD said she was going to the toilet, however she was actually going to see baby. She woke the baby up and when my friend went in baby had milk on her face. SD had taken one of her milk bottles and tried to feed her even though she was told not to. She lied about going to the toilet. When I held baby, she whined and said that the baby wanted her, not me and went off in a strop when I told her not to be rude and that babies are not toys. She tried to put her toy dummy from her doll in the baby's mouth and in the end, we had to leave.

I was completely embarrassed, my friend was stressed and had asked me not to bring her round again until baby is older (completely understandable), and even though this is something we have talked to her about numerous times, she just will not listen.

I love that she loves babies, and know that when the novelty has worn off she will likely be a wonderful big sister, however I am so nervous about those early weeks and don't want to have to worry about leaving baby on their own in their Moses basket briefly whilst I pee/brush my teeth/shower etc.

How do me and DH tackle this? We have talked to her sternly about it but it just seems to be a recurring thing every time she is around a baby. It's worrying me and I'm close to saying that I refuse to have her on my own when baby is first born because I can't cope with both of them.

I understand I may sound like I'm being completely over the top, I just worry about my baby, am extremely anxious already and could really use some advice on how to tackle this.

Sorry for the long post.

Thanks. Y

That's a good point anonymumm about an unhelpful reaction from the friend. It's difficult when a child's bad behaviour embarrasses you in front of a friend, especially if it's related to challenges that friend hasn't yet experienced (e.g. when your child is older than theirs - parents of babies can have very confident opinions about older children's misbehaviour!). I wonder whether she would have said "don't bring her again" about a biological child of yours for the same thing. I wouldn't have reacted that way to any friend and their child - yes I'd have told the child off in my house if need be but I'd never say "don't bring her again (for x amount of time". Even if I felt that way, I'd just engineer it so it didn't happen e.g. arranging to meet out and about! Unkind and unsupportive to say it.

@Yannia that's not what I said.

You posted something about the level of involvement changing. I replied that that's not true.
If she was your daughter (since you seem so hell-bent on keeping SD and your baby separate) you'd have to get on with it.
Parents cannot just palm off their children because a baby has arrived.

It's a choice to have a child. I assume you weren't coerced into laying down and making this baby.
The only person who doesn't have a choice in this is SD, who is unfortunately now bearing the brunt of your and her dads choice.
However unfair it is.

You must have known that SD was such a 'nightmare' before you decided to create another baby.
Why has it only just now occurred to you that it could maybe cause a few problems?

I also said that your partner should be making arrangements to collect his daughter. Not once did I say that everything had to fall to you.
It's just another thing that you'll both need to adjust around, whilst ensuring that it's not at detriment to SD.

FWIW, I think if you told your partner or SDs mum exactly what you think of her; this problem would probably go away.
I would be fuming if my child's SM spoke about my daughter in the way you have.

It stands out hugely how much you think SD doesn't fit into your 'ideal'

'Everyone! I have a little terror of a SD who I do EVERYTHING for, she really is a nightmare but I've still done all the commuting/childcare for her. Now my very own shiny, new baby is coming and I'm scared this little terror is going to ruin my PFB, first time mum experience. She's awful. I think I deserve 6 weeks to myself and think that she should just put up with that.'

OP give your DH the choice - he either does the school runs for the first two months, pays for a taxi to do them or does a mixture of both. You then all need to explain why you can't drive DSD to and from school for a while.

If he refuses then you need to arrange to take yourself and your baby to a friend or family member until he sees sense as he clearly has issues stepping up and doing practical care. If you do decamp make sure when you tell your SD that the reason you left is because her dad has been silly.

In regards to the keeping an eye on both children when you have them -you have already been given good advice on this thread. Ignore the ones who want to beat stepmothers.

Maybe a stair gate that can be closed across the nursery door when the baby is napping if you are worried about her sneaking?

Bloody hell OP, I can't believe you're getting such a hard time. If I was expected to look after a stepchild and do a 20-mile school run when I had a newborn I would have been flabbergasted - because it's fecking outrageous. You are NOT her mum - as thousands of mums on MN feel entitled to say about stepmums who they feel have overstepped the mark and behaved too much like their child's mum.

(I am not a stepmum btw so have no axe to grind here.)

Not only should you say no to this, it's highly likely to not even be possible, so they shouldn't be relying on you to do it because they may then end up with no one. Not just a CS, but stitches, mastitis, an infection etc could leave you too unwell - I was back in hospital a week after DC2's birth with severe mastitis and stayed there for another week. And that's aside from the fact that most women with a newborn are too exhausted to get out of the house, certainly not first thing in the morning.

Her dad could take more time off work, they could enlist the help of a relative or friend, they could p[ay for a temporary carer to do it. They are going to have to look at options in a hurry if you can't, so they should do it now.

I seriously cannot believe you are being made to feel shit for not wanting to do this, or have to look after SD on your own at all in the first few weeks. People should look back to their own first baby and ask themselves if they seriously would have agreed to that.

Yes, the SD needs 1-to-1 time and attention at this point. From HER DAD, to reassure her that HE does not put the baby first. Of course a first-time new mum is going to put her own baby first for a while - you have to! Her dad should be spending lots of time with her, which will both be nice for her, and help OP. AND they can all spend time together, with dad there to make sure OP doesn't have the stress of trying to manage SD's potentially dangerous behaviour when she has a newborn glued to her / is too exhausted to move / possibly unwell.

None of this constitutes OP shoving SD out. It constitutes people around OP recognising that when she has a newborn she needs a break from her responsibilities around SD which are frankly taking the piss to start with.

Here’s what I would be suggesting to DH (if it hasn’t already): The first two weeks paternity leave have contact as “normal” but HE has to step up and supervise his daughter – as he would if she were your own daughter with this behaviour – and allow you to have some peace and quiet with your newborn when you need it. He should then add two weeks’ annual leave onto the paternity leave and tweak the contact so you and DH get a week to yourselves if possible. Surely if things are amicable with his ex, she might make some allowances? If only out of gratitude for all you do for SD.

I didn’t see the school run thread but it sounds like you’re doing a lot more of the parenting than her own father which might work at the moment but in these circumstances really isn’t fair. Things are going to change massively for you and SD when this baby is born. Why shouldn’t they change massively for your DH?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I also think it sounds like this school run malarkey needs re-visiting.

(And the moses basket in the playpen sounds like a brilliant idea)

Good luck OP

As a matter of interest OP, do you still have SD when your DH is working away from home?

None of this constitutes OP shoving SD out. It constitutes people around OP recognising that when she has a newborn she needs a break from her responsibilities around SD which are frankly taking the piss to start with.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

@MirriVan spot on!

Wow this sounds tough and I am sorry you are going through it, OP.

Like some others, I think:

*your husband needs to step up and do a lot more for the first few months--I don't think you should be expected to do that long school run at 2 weeks pp. That's nothing to do with SD's behavior.
*Is it just barely possible that some of your frustration with SD''s behavior is displaced annoyance with your H not being very proactive about supporting you? it would be if it were me anyway!

*I would recommend your SD be assessed for special needs, as recommended by some previous posters. If there is something unusual going on, then greater understanding of it would hopefully make life easier for all of you.

Problem is you were stuck from the time you agreed to step in and do DH's role with DSD.

He was never going to be available for 50% childcare so you got the brunt. How did that happen?

Did you happily volunteer?

Also, did you discuss how this was going to work when planning a baby?

Does he ever spend time alone with her? Can he not take her out alone and treat so she feels special as well?

I know that if I were thinking of joining a pre-existing family I'd do my very best to act towards the children as I would if they were my own. I'd also expect any serious new partner of mine to treat any kids of mine the same way.

I'd certainly do that if they had no mum on the scene at all. But where a child also has their other home and life with their mum, or conversely with their dad, the step-parent or new partner doesn't have that role. And the mum or dad often can get very upset if they feel the new partner is trying to take over their role - totally reasonably I think.

Out of the three primary adults in this 7yo's life, her real mum, her real dad, and her stepmum with a newborn baby - I can't see why it's fair that the stepmum who gets left with the caring and ferrying duties.

I honestly didn't realise that not wanting to do school runs, not wanting to have a new DC and SD on my own, and needing to be able to have some of that responsibility taken away from me for the first handful of weeks was so unreasonable.

NOT unreasonable at all. I think I’m going to need a lie down after reading this thread. Epic stepmum bashing for not being a fucking doormat. 😴

The post where you say your DH’s contact with SD cannot be changed because it is a court order.
It seems like DH must have gone to court to get the level of contact he has, but he cannot meet it (ie he relies on you to do an 80 mile round trip to get his DD to him).
Why on Earth did he go to court for that level of contact? I am presuming SD’s mum is the resident parent, your H has put her through a court process for a level of contact he is unable to meet and he has passed his obligations on to you.

Therefore, you are now stressed and anxious about how to look after a seven year old (who is not yours, you are right) because your DH has a court order he cannot meet his obligations to? Am I reading this right?

My point is that the court order does not oblige you to look after his DD, it obliged him.

What would he do if you were not on the scene?

Did you have anything at all to do with encouraging him to get this level of contact through court, or has he done it and then palmed the responsibility off on you?

I have been in litigation, it is horribly stressful. If my xH was not there to look after DC on his time, and relying on his pregnant partner/ newly delivered mum to do it, I would be questioning this arrangement.

Although SD’s mum has probably now arranged her life and work around the times she has her DD, so the buck stops with your H here, I think.

Have you considered buying a fabric sling to keep the baby in? I used to put DC3 in it to be safe from DC2! Is also very helpful for school run quick shop and protecting from unwanted hands (child and adult)

The problem is with Mirrivans view is that as much as everyone may wish it to be, and try really hard for it to be.. it's simply NOT the same to be the mother of a child as to be the step mother of a child. It can be pretty dam close - especially if your SC live with you and their mother is dead or out of the picture - with LOTS of effort from the SM but still not the same.
I would lay down my life for my children without hesitation. I would not do it for my dsc that would make my Dsc unhappy and MY children's happiness is paramount in MY eyes - above that of my sc. In day to day life this isn't an issue. As the happiness of dc & Dsc is important to us both but if I had to choose 'who came first' then of course its dcs. !
The OP has just as much right as any other parent to prioritise her baby's needs and safety above anything or anyone else. The parents of the SD should be prioritising her happiness not leaving it all (or any) down to stepmother.
Enjoy your baby OP.
If I were you I would be lining up a post partum bolthole for you a baby to enjoy your time together once DH has returned to work .

Do not end up being the default carer and missing out on those first precious weeks. You have as much right to them as any other woman.